48. This Should Go Terribly #2
The argument starts picking up speed after that. I don’t even think either of them wants it to. They just don’t know how to stop, and that’s the problem. They’ve always been like this. Two people who love each other so much that every disagreement feels like the world is ending.
“You’ve ignored me all day.”
“Well, we’re having the conversation now!” Anders mutters, turning his back to his brother. He folds his arms across his chest. “You can’t get mad at me every time I don’t pick up the phone to give you a play-by-play. I have a life. My own life.”
“Anders.”
“What?”
“Stop with that shit. We’re not doing that.”
“I’m not doing anything, Luca.”
“You’re running away and acting like you can just avoid me that easily.”
Anders actually laughs. “Running? Are you fucking serious?”
“Yes.”
“That’s rich.”
Luca blinks. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“It means you’re standing here acting like I’m the one avoiding things.”
“I’ve been trying to talk to you all day.”
“I’m not avoiding you. You just don’t know what boundaries are, and you think you can do whatever the fuck you want.”
“If you want to talk about boundaries, then I can go pull Parker right now and explain to the both of you what a fucking boundary is.”
“No, you can’t. I’m not going to let you keep being a controlling asshole because you think I stole your friend from you.
” The words start tumbling out of Anders faster now.
His breathing gets shorter. His hands won’t stay still.
Every sentence starts bleeding into the next one.
“You don’t trust me. That’s the problem. ”
Luca huffs. “That’s not true.”
“Yes it is.”
“When have I ever said anything about not being able to trust you?”
“You don’t trust me, Luca. You’ve never been able to trust me!” His voice cracks, just slightly.
Enough that Luca hears it too, because the anger leaves his face immediately. Replaced by something heavier and worse. “Mano,” he says quietly. “I’m trying to understand.”
“Then listen.”
“I am listening.”
“No, you’re waiting for me to say something wrong so you can pick me apart.”
Luca drags both hands down his face. The exhaustion in the gesture makes him suddenly look older. “You really don’t understand why this is hard for me?”
Anders stops pacing. For a second neither of them moves. Then Luca says quietly, “I keep sitting there trying to remember every summer. Every birthday. Every holiday. Every time the two of you were together.”
My stomach drops so fast it almost feels physical. I reach back and grab the railing behind me, the rough wood immediately digging into my palm.
Luca isn’t looking at me and seeing the friend who crossed a line…he’s looking at his little brother and whether somebody he trusted got too close and he didn’t notice until it was too late. I don’t think I’ve ever felt guilt quite like this, but I understand why he’s afraid of it.
Luca stares out across the lake, seemingly trapped in the movement of the water all of a sudden. “I keep asking myself if I missed something…”
The words settle heavily between them. Anders goes completely still. “Luca—”
“I keep asking myself if there were signs.”
“There weren’t,” Anders says immediately, sounding a little too defensive.
“How do you know?”
“Because I know him, Luca.”
He laughs weakly. “Do you?” The second the word leaves Luca’s mouth, he regrets it. I see it happen. So does Anders. The color drains from his face as he finally looks back at his brother.
“Oh my God.”
Luca shakes his head. “That’s not what I meant.”
“Yes, it is. That’s exactly what you meant.”
“No—it isn’t.”
“Yes it fucking is.” His breathing starts speeding up. Fast enough that I can see his chest moving from here. “You’re asking if he was waiting for me.” Anders inhales sharply and covers his mouth with his hand. “You think he was waiting for me.”
Luca takes a deep breath to calm himself down, lowering his voice. “I didn’t say that—”
“You don’t have to say it, Luca. I can tell it’s what you’re thinking.”Anders wipes angrily at his face again. “Nothing wrong happened.”
“Anders—”
“Nothing happened.”
“I’m not saying it did.”
“Nothing happened.” The words come out louder and desperate, like if he repeats them enough times Luca will finally hear what he’s actually saying.
Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened.
My chest cinches. I understand exactly why Luca is asking, and I understand exactly why Anders can’t bear hearing it.
He’s looking backward through ten years of memories and trying to figure out whether he failed the person he loves most. The problem is Anders can’t hear that.
All he hears is someone questioning us…the thing he’s fought so hard to protect.
“Andy. Mano.” The anger leaves Luca all at once. “I wasn’t trying to do that.”
“Then what are you trying to do?” His voice breaks completely.
Luca closes his eyes. For a second he looks like he might cry too.
“I’m trying to figure out if I failed you.
” Everything stops. “Because if something was wrong,” Luca says quietly, “if something happened and I didn’t see it…
” His voice catches, choked up in tears.
“If you needed me and I missed it…I don’t know how I’d live with that. ”
Anders stares at him. The anger drains away, and what’s left behind looks raw. Like an open wound. For a second I think they’re finally getting somewhere. Anders wipes at his face again, like he’s angry at himself for crying. “I can’t do this right now.”
“Mano—”
“I can’t.”
“Anderson, please.”
“I can’t, Luca.” He turns quickly and starts walking back up to the house, trying very hard not to run.
And that’s when he sees me. The second his eyes land on mine, something in his expression crumbles. I don’t move, or dare to reach for him even though it kills me not to. I barely breathe, because this isn’t my conversation. It never was.
Anders just stands there for a second and looks at me, completely wrecked.
Then he makes a small, broken sound. It’s barely audible, but I think I could still hear it from the other side of the world. He starts walking straight towards me, every step comes faster than the last. By the time he reaches the path, he’s practically stumbling.
My heart lurches. “Hey.” The word barely leaves my mouth.
Anders crashes into me. His arms wrap around my waist so hard I nearly lose my balance.
I catch him automatically…one arm around his shoulders, and the other sliding into his curls.
The second I touch him, he breaks. His face disappears, tucked beneath my chin while his entire body shakes.
Months of fear and hiding—waiting for this exact conversation. All of it finally gives out at once.
“Sweetheart,” I murmur, tightening my hold on him. “Hey, I’ve got you.”
He shakes his head against my shirt. I can feel tears soaking through the fabric. “I’m sorry,” he murmurs. “I’m so sorry, Pet’ka.”
My chest aches. “For what, baby?”
“I don’t know.” The answer comes out strangled. “I don’t know.”
Behind him, Luca hasn’t moved. He’s still standing on the dock, but his eyes are stuck on us.
And somehow that’s worse, because the thing Luca has been terrified of all day is standing right in front of him.
The fact that when Anders is hurting, his first instinct isn’t to go to his brother.
It’s to come to me. And neither of us did anything to make it happen. He chose it all on his own.
I lift my eyes. Luca’s gaze meets mine across the distance. The hurt there is unmistakable. I flash him an apologetic look, but it’s useless at this point. Luca looks back at me in a way he’s never done before, derisive and full of hatred.
This is what I used to worry about…having to choose. At this moment, it feels like I’ve already chosen. I may have lost a brother, but I’ll be damned if I let Anders lose his.