Chapter 9
Chapter Nine
Giovanna
J anine ushered me into a huge room that I instantly felt was far too hot. Instinctively, I looked around and found my grandfather sitting up in an enormous bed at the other end of the room. It was a huge relief to find him looking better than I imagined he would. Once he’d unburdened himself at today’s party and named my eldest brother his successor, I’d watched as he’d sunk back into his chair. His pallor had greyed before my eyes, and I saw just how old he had begun to look. But now, at home in his bed, he looked comfortable, rested even, with a little pink in his cheeks and it gave me hope.
I offered him a smile and started to make my way over to him, nodding my thanks at Janine as I went.
He couldn’t be dying.
It had to be wrong.
It was with that hope rising inside me, I took note of the lady’s blusher on his bedside table, and I saw the whole picture in front of me for the facade it was. The pink in his cheeks was false. I could only imagine that his comfort was coming from a fresh injection of pain relief, and it was all for his audience with me, the granddaughter who had stolen his heart. Immediately, I stopped crossing the distance between us as the truth hit me with such strength of force it nearly felled me to my knees.
He was leaving me.
What would I do without him?
Upon realising their death was imminent, most heads of families would seek out the nearest priest for atonement of their sins. But my grandfather was a proud man. I knew he had done many things over the years that would go against our religious upbringing, but unselfishly he wanted the air that left his body to be spent in preparing his family for the future, not on trying to save his condemned soul.
As that last thought formed inside my head, a loud sob left me. Like the little girl who had always flown to his side in her times of need, although the tables had turned on us both, I ran to the side of his bed and bent over to him. Happily, I received the same tight embrace he had always given me and lost for a few minutes in our connection, I tried to convince myself that I had it all wrong.
He had always been strong and formidable. He had been to war many times. He had survived the loss of his wife and my papa’s brothers.
But as his hold on me began to relax, I had to accept that his life, like all things, had an expiry date. As he released me altogether and fell back to his many pillows, nurses wearing starched, white uniforms seemed to appear from everywhere. I stood by impotently as they made him comfortable yet again and offered him some liquid to sip at, until the cough that had been brought on by our hug was once again relieved.
‘Giovanna.’ He spoke my name with the same tone he had always used, but the strength behind it was weak.
‘Nonno,’ I replied.
‘Can I get on here with him, please?’ I looked up to find Janine as I asked my question and the realisation of just who my grandfather’s new companion really was, hit me.
He’d known he was dying for a long time. My heart felt heavy at the burden he’d been carrying around.
‘Yes, of course. It’s the closeness of our nearest and dearest that keeps us all tethered here, after all.’
I took in her words and gingerly got up onto the bed with him. Lying down beside him, I placed my head next to his shoulder and took his hand in mine trying to ignore the cannula that was already there.
‘Do you know I was the first to hold you after you were born?’
‘Yes,’ I whispered, remembering the story he’d told me a few times before.
‘I held you upright and placed your head on my shoulder, and together we watched a violent summer storm.’
‘We’ve seen many a storm together,’ I offered.
‘We have, Nipote… although this will be our last.’ I understood he was talking metaphorically and swallowed as my throat tightened with captured emotion.
‘How long, Nonno?’ I asked.
‘I’ve known for a while.’
‘Why didn’t you say before?’ I voiced the question knowing the answer already. He couldn’t appear weak before our family was strong enough to cope without him.
‘What you can’t change, Nipote, you have to accept.’
‘I’m not sure I can do this without you,’ I selfishly responded.
‘Look at me,’ he demanded.
Reluctantly, I tore my gaze away from a small spot on his expansive ceiling just as the tears that had been creating the building pressure behind my eyes began to force their way out.
‘I’m sorry,’ I muttered, apologising for my sudden weakness.
He lifted our conjoined hands and used one knuckle to wipe the cheek he could reach.
‘You are stronger than you think, Giovanna. I have refused all the marriage offers for you so far, as I wanted you to first become the woman I know is inside there. The same woman you rarely let make an appearance.’ His face lightened and for a few seconds his pain seemed to slip away. ‘I saw her today. I saw her in your smile, I heard her in your laughter, and your zest for life. Don’t shut her away any longer, let her free. I regret I won’t be there to watch you fly, but you must promise me you’ll embrace the one who will, because he’ll be the same one who will catch you when you fall.’ He stopped as another cough racked through him, and I squeezed my eyes tightly wishing it away, all the while picturing Dante in my mind. At the same time, I felt my pocket vibrate as what I was sure was Dante’s mobile went off inside my pocket. It was if he was reminding me that he was still with me. Once Nonno’s cough had subsided, he carried on, ‘Be the woman you keep out of your mama’s reach.’
‘I’m just me, Nonno. Just me.’ I shook my head a little.
‘I see you, Giovanna, and I have a need to tell you what I want for you. I have placed Salvatore as head of the family, and he will do a good job. Your brothers will fall into line beneath him. But know this…’ He coughed again and continued, ‘One day you will also be in the position of the facilitator.’
‘Facilitator?’ I questioned, puzzled at his use of the word.
‘Yes. You will one day be in a position that makes this family stronger, or be the one who tears it apart.’
‘Me?’ I answered with fear creeping into my tone.
‘I have every faith you will choose the right path.’ He nodded as he swallowed, trying to curb a cough that now seemed to be ever present.
‘You will become your own woman; this will mean you butting heads with Salvatore. First and foremost, be safe and listen to his direction where it counts, then live your dream, work hard, and learn the piano until there is nothing more for anyone to teach you. When you play at your first concert, I will be there on your shoulder like you’re now on mine.’
I could feel his body fighting against him expelling his precious breath to speak to me. But like always he carried on, making sure he imparted his love and instructions to me.
‘And when you find love like the true love I found with your nonna, hang on to it tightly. You may find other loves, but true love… It only comes but once.’
He stopped speaking, as his body shook violently once again with another coughing fit. Reluctantly, I sat up to let a nurse help Janine get him comfortable. Tears were still falling silently and undisturbed from my eyes, down over my cheeks and I watched as they dripped onto his clean, white bedding.
‘Rest now, Nonno. I’ll be back later.’
As they lifted him between them further up the pillows, I understood how weak he was. When his head began to slowly turn from side to side, refusing to give me permission to return, my tears turned into sobs and I clamped my hand tightly to my mouth.
‘This is my death bed, Nipote. I don’t want your last memory of me to be less than I am now. Take with you my love, my hope, and as long as it makes the family stronger, my permission to take the future you want.’
‘I want…’ my words became louder sobs, as once again he shook his head at me.
‘Go now, my beautiful girl.’ He placed his fingers against his lips and blew me a kiss.
I took his hand in my own and held it to my cheek, only to see a wide smile capture his handsome features.
As one of the nurses helped me from his room, I didn’t turn around. I could hear he was coughing once again and I wanted to hang on to the last thing he’d bequeathed me, his beautiful smile.
His door opened and I fell through it. Rudely, I refused all offers of help as I made my way along my grandfather’s corridor, through to my mama’s eerily quiet part of the house and back into the sanctuary of my room.
As Dante’s mobile vibrated again, without looking at the caller ID I dropped it inside one of the drawers next to my bed.
I couldn’t talk to him just yet.
For now, my grief was all-consuming. I had to find a way to deal with the fact I felt untethered, burdened and most of all unhinged. Pressing a button on my remote, I locked my bedroom door and let the blinds down to shut out the day, and hoped in turn it would shut down my thoughts.