23. Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter twenty-three
Iwas a damn fool thinking I'd be able to do any of this.
Managing to mostly keep up with the squad yesterday gave me false hope that I might be able to fumble my way through training too.
Holy gods, was I wrong. Every inch of me aches, I have a sore wrist, countless new bruises, raw knuckles, and have been knocked to the ground repeatedly.
And even worse, I can tell they're going easy on me. Hendrix stands across from me, grinning, as I suck in another breath and wipe the sweat from my forehead on the sleeve of my too-tight training shirt. "Please tell me we're done?" I nearly whine.
Shaking his head, he steps closer. "Come on, we've been over this. You need to sink your weight into your heels and find your center. It's far too easy to knock you off your feet."
How I wish I hadn't skipped all those combat lessons during basics that everyone else seemed to find so easy.
Maybe if I'd pushed myself to try harder and ignored the taunts from my classmates, I wouldn't be screwing up even the most simple moves now.
For fuck's sake, I can't even get breathing or standing right.
I try to mirror the posture Hendrix demonstrates for the hundredth time, straightening my spine and jabbing my left fist into his open palm.
I can tell it wasn't a great effort from the feeble sound when our hands connect, but at least I didn't hit him in the face like last time.
Even sweet, quiet Djalira is on the opposite side of our makeshift sparring area, landing impressive kicks and punches while Nav grins with pride.
It doesn't help that Aven sensed my immense frustration when we started training and has been gleefully chiming in with unhelpful commentary.
"Hasn't it only been a few years since you finished basics?" Cayzenn asks, folding his arms and leaning against the one tree in this small clearing. His frown suggests he's been watching for a while and is not impressed.
"It's been six," I pant. "The year after the twins."
He nods slowly. "Then why are you acting like all of this is completely foreign to you?
Surely, the foundations of sparring and footwork Benz taught you haven't completely faded, even if there's not much use for the skills in the gardens and greenhouses.
" The asshole's training shirt doesn't even look damp, so he's either taking it easy or is ridiculously fit.
In comparison, I'm a sweaty, bedraggled mess, dreading the highly unappealing prospect of trying to get clean with melted snow.
"I dropped out of his classes in the first week and got permission to take an elective in the kitchens instead, not that it's any of your business.
And yes, my parents were about as perplexed as you look right now," I hiss, and he narrows his eyes.
"The crossover with making elixirs and salves for the Remedies was useful, and it got me out of combat training so it worked out. Until now, anyway."
Both men laugh, and Hendrix pats me on the shoulder before heading over to stretch with Xaavi and Drea. Now that I look, the whole squad is in various uncomfortable positions, arms or legs pulled taut against their bodies.
"Well, at least you'll have something to keep you occupied while we're searching," Cayzenn replies. "Because no member of my squad is going to be out here without basic self-defense.”
"Don't forget, I’m not a part of your squad or even meant to be here, Commander." I pour sarcasm into his title, in case it's not clear I don’t intend it to be a sign of submission.
“Oh, trust me, I haven't forgotten. And yet, here you are, so let's do this." He steps right into my space, and I tense as his hand moves over my abdomen, far too close. I feel the heat of the other at my lower back as he murmurs, "Do you mind if I touch you?"
My eyes fly up to meet his, and whatever he sees there causes him to falter. "Just to help you get the stance and drop into the breathing that will support you. Standing like this throws off your whole center of gravity."
I stare at him, intensely aware of the rest of the squad nearby and conscious he can probably hear the rapid thump of my heart.
Slowly, I shake my head. "No...no, it's fine.
Don't worry, I’m sure I'll figure it out.
" I stumble awkwardly over the handful of words, hating how weak I sound. For once, I’m not being deliberately obstinate.
I'm just hot and sweaty and gross, and can't bear the thought of him touching me.
There’s no sign of irritation, and his reply is quiet, I'd even go as far as to say gentle.
"Alright, I'll show you another way." He pulls his hands back, placing one on his own stomach, and starts explaining what the position should feel like.
I can hardly hear him over the buzzing in my ears and the rising urge to run away to the safety of my tent.
I'm convinced this detour is going to be the death of me. If the hiking and the never-ending snow doesn't do it, the excruciating daily training sessions and even more torturous breath practice likely will. For something so simple, it's annoyingly hard and beyond pointless.
Moving excruciatingly slowly, without talking or interacting, trying to practice being present in my body while accepting and letting go of my thoughts, whatever that means.
I hate it even more than training. Silence has always felt crushing to me.
I like to be busy and productive and have spent years avoiding being alone with my thoughts.
The boredom is also a contender for cause of death. For the last week, after the tedious training and breathwork routine culminating in too much breakfast, we're subjected to hours of scaling a mountain, only to wait around, trapped behind Cayzenn's wards with instructions not to leave.
The rest of the squad, including Drea—who fits in perfectly and seems more herself out here than I've ever seen—leave us to search part of the mountain for whatever it is they're trying to find before we can continue. Or, at least, that’s how it went for the first two summits, and they've just finished unsuccessfully searching the third.
This time, the incline eases after an hour of climbing, and we're almost walking flat along a ridge connecting two peaks.
The view is breathtaking from up here, white-dusted peaks in every direction, cut by glistening rivers and vast glaciers.
Dark patches of forest lie beneath us in the distance, stretching all the way to the thousand foot cliffs at the edges of the island, where sun sparkles off the endless frothing ocean beyond.
As we navigate the jagged rocky terrain, my gaze frequently drifts in the direction of Orz, as if I could see all the way to my sister. Four weeks doesn't seem like enough time to get there before solstice.
Even with the shield wrapping around us, it’s violently cold. I pull the top of my jacket closed and step directly in Drea's footprints, where the snow has been packed down. Djalira drops back to walk beside me.
"Make sure you're drinking plenty of water, The air thins out up here," she says, tucking her long, black braid back over her shoulder.
"And let me know if you start feeling nauseous or dizzy.
It's only going to get harder to breathe as we get to the higher mountains.
Staying hydrated helps, and I can make you a ginsenga tea if you need it. "
"Is it that obvious I'm having a hard time?" I rasp, decidedly out of breath from climbing.
The Remedy healer gives me a kind smile.
"You're doing well. It's no weakness to be struggling, especially when you're not used to this kind of exertion. Make sure to eat and drink enough, and you’ll manage just fine.
Your body will be burning through its fuel faster than usual, with training and all the walking. "
I return her smile, grateful for the encouragement, even though I know I'm slowing them down.
"What do you think my chances are of getting out of training?
" I half-groan, adjusting my heavy pack for the sixteenth time today.
"I could take over morning meals while you're all working out, so food would be ready straight away.
Think Cayzenn will let me drop it if I promise him a decent breakfast instead? "
Djalira laughs, and a low, gravelly chuckle joins in from behind us.
"Highly doubtful," the man himself replies.
"If anything, you should be doing double, considering your lack of self-defense abilities.
And don't forget, I've seen you try to mount that stolen horse of yours, and it wasn't pretty, so not training isn't an option. "
My face flushes, and I turn to scowl at him, even though he's not wrong. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to check on my brother and that crazy invention before he melts too much of the snowfall in the wrong place and causes a damn avalanche."
He strides to the front of the group, and I laugh at the huge grin on Felix's face as he aims his new toy at the snowbank blocking our way, turning it into an icy puddle with a quick blast of orange flames.
He'd spent yesterday using his Adaptor magic to turn a spare tent pole into some sort of fireblower while we were stuck in camp, and it's proving extremely useful.
Now that we're in territory the squad has never covered, the path is often blocked, hidden, or has been reclaimed by the land.
I'm surprised there's even a map of such remote, unused parts of the island. It takes hours to make it across the mountain-top ridge, even with sacrificing breaks to ensure we’re well clear of the slopes before nightfall so we don’t freeze.
And while my thighs and calves ache and the blisters on my heels have long since popped, I'm relieved I only had to ask for a slower pace once.
It's early afternoon by the time we clamber over the steep edge, and clumps of pale green tussock grass appear among the rocks and snow, followed by the occasional spindly tree.