Chapter 12
Iarrive at my sister”s house, a modest brick home tucked away in a quiet suburban neighborhood. I knock sharply on the vibrant red door, adorned with a wreath of dried flowers. The door swings open, revealing my sister”s smiling face, framed by the colorful fall leaves that cover the front yard. Surprise spread across her features as she greets me into her cozy abode.
”Avalina? What are you doing here so late?”
I step inside. ”I need to ask you something.”
She studies me for a moment before nodding slowly. We sit at the kitchen table.
”What do you know about Kieran Calder?” I ask without preamble.
My sister frowns, hesitation in her eyes. ”Why the sudden interest? Have you remembered something?”
”I just... I need to know what you know. It”s hard to explain.”
She sighs. ”Avalina, perhaps it best if you leave the past in the past.”
”Please,” I implore my sister. ”Tell me everything you know.”
She looks uneasy but continues. ”You and Kieran... you had a relationship before the accident.”
”You knew about this? And you didn”t tell me?” I exclaim, rage rising to the surface. I back away from Iris, needing to put distance between us.
”I”m sorry, Avie!” Iris wails, as she moves to follow me. ”I never liked your relationship with Kieran, sneaking around and trying to hide it from everyone. You know what they say about the Calder family, you know what he does. Is that really someone you want to be with?” Iris pleads. ”He”s dangerous, Avie.”
”Better than boring, better than living a lie.” I reply, fury sharpening my tongue. How dare she keep this from me? And then act like she did it to protect me?
“Why go through all the trouble of showing me pictures and videos, trying to ‘help me get my memory back’ when the whole time you were keeping memories from me? Who are you to decide what memories I’m allowed to have?” I’m shouting now, my words honed blades designed to fly true.
Iris” face falls. I feel like I should feel guilty, but mostly I feel free. Having this out in the open, knowing what Kieran has told me is true, I feel a weight lifting off my chest. I look away, letting the silence grow.
I will not apologize for my words, not when Iris has been trying to get me to go back to my old life this entire time, when all I wanted was to break free.
”How did you find out?” Iris whispers, the silence too loud to speak.
”Kieran told me,” I reply, my words short. ”When did I tell you? About him, I mean.”
”You told me after you were with him for a few months. Swore me to secrecy.”
”Did Mom and Dad know?”
”About Kieran? No way. You know how they are. They wouldn”t approve.”
She”s right. Our parents are all about the appearance one presents to the world, and dating a mafia boss wouldn”t fit their image.
”I stand by what I said, Avalina,” Iris tells me. I know she”s serious when she uses my full name. ”Be sure about Kieran. His life is dangerous, and he”ll just bring that danger to you.”
I nod slowly, taking in my sister”s ominous words, trying to feign nonchalance when I feel like anger is going to boil me from the inside out.
She clasps my hand, concern in her eyes. ”Be careful, Avalina. Some things are better left in the past.”
Iris tries to hold my hand, but I pull back, my eyes narrowing. “Will you just stop already?” I hiss, the volume of my words rising as the storm inside of me builds. “You think you’re protecting me, but all you’re doing is suffocating me!”
My feet are moving before my mind does, and the echo of the slamming door rings behind me as I burst outside, my breath coming in angry gasps. Iris’s pleading voice still rings in my ears, pressing me to go let Kieran go. As soon as I”m outside, I get into my car and head home.
I don”t get far before overwhelm is threading its vines around me and wrapping tight.
I debate driving to Claire”s apartment, but I would have to drive over the bridge by Lockwood Lake and I haven”t driven there since the accident. Anytime I”ve tried, I break out in a cold sweat and my heart races. My therapist suggested I try exposure therapy to see if that would help me get over my fear of the bridge, but so far I”ve just been avoiding it completely, too terrified of the waves of panic and nausea that come with it.
A frustrated hiss rushes past my lips as I resign myself towards my original destination, arriving at my apartment on autopilot, too consumed by the hot swell of anger and betrayal.
One thing I hated about my life growing up was I felt like choices were taken away from me. That my parents predetermined my path based on how much money we had and how much more they wanted. My looks, friends, hobbies, and education had all swirled around the golden road laid out before me, when all I had wanted was to wander the wooded trail instead.
And if Kieran knew me, he would have known this. Yet he still kept our relationship a secret from me, getting rid of any evidence that we had a relationship. And my sister went right along with it.
I was so tired of others deciding for me, trying to control the path my life took.
Walking through my apartment door, I text Claire.
Did you know I was with Kieran Calder before the accident?
What??? What are you talking about??
Before I can type out the next message, my phone is ringing, the noise loud in my quiet space. I”m not surprised to see Claire”s name flash on the screen.
Pressing the screen, I don”t even bother with a hello. ”Did you know?”
”What? This is a joke, right? You and Kieran Calder? You would have told me!”
I let my head fall into my hands, unsure of what to say. I thought I would have told Claire. I suppose I”m glad I didn”t, because this means she isn”t another person who lied and hid something from me. But I also don”t want to reveal something that will hurt her because I kept a secret from her.
”Avie?” Claire sounds unsure. ”What”s going on?”
”Can you... can you come over? I need to show you something. I”ll explain everything.”
”Of course, I”ll be right there.”
I spend the time waiting for Claire by straightening up and cleaning things that don”t need to be cleaned. I just need to move, to release this frantic crawling under my skin that feels like it”s going to eat me alive.
I practically run to the door when I hear the knock, opening it as Claire rushes inside, eyes wide.
”Okay, spill. Were you and Kieran together? And you didn”t tell me?” Anger swells in her voice at the last part, but I know it”s because she”s hurt. So am I. Everything feels bruised inside.
I walk over to my couch and flop down, groaning. ”I don”t even know where to begin. The past day has been a lot.” Claire follows me and sits down, tossing her purse and keys on my wooden coffee table.
”Were you and Kieran together?”
”It appears so.” I hold up my hands in apology before the questions I can see blooming on her face can begin. ”I don”t remember it. The only reason I know is because Kieran told me, backed it up with all the deleted pictures off my phone, and I guess Iris knew because she confirmed it.”
Claire”s eyes grow so wide they”re practically overtaking her face. ”Hold up. He deleted photos from your phone? Who does that? And your sister knew and said nothing?”
I throw my hands up. ”Oh, I know! I told you the past day has been intense. I”m still trying to piece everything together myself.”
I tell Claire about the past day, up to when I left my sister”s house and texted her. That”s when she gets up from the couch.
”Where are you going?”
”To get ice cream. This amount of drama calls for ice cream.”
I can”t fault her logic.
She calls over to me from my kitchen. ”What do you want, chocolate chip cookie dough or brownie batter?”
”Cookie dough.” I holler back.
Claire makes her way back over, pints of ice cream and spoons in hand. She settles down before holding her hand out to me expectantly.
”Let me see your phone.”
”My phone?”
”Yeah, you said Kieran gave you back all the pictures and video he deleted. I want to see them.”
”You”re right, this totally needs ice cream.” I say as I hand the phone over and take the cookie dough ice cream from her.
A couple of hours later, pizza and wine joined the ice cream. We”ve been through everything repeatedly, and I”m still not sure how I feel about any of it.
I toss my head back on the arm of the couch and stare at the ceiling. ”I just don”t know what to think about any of this.”
”I do.” Claire responds.
”You do?” I look over to where Claire is petting Conan, who is curled up in her lap.
”Yes, angry! But also, it”s kind of romantic. I mean, you wanted your relationship with Kieran to be a secret, or else I would have known about it.” She narrows her eyes. ”Right?”
I nod fervently. ”Of course, yes.”
”And we all know his family is into shady business, so I can see where he thought he was protecting you. But now, he misses you and wants you back, I think.”
”This would be simpler if I could remember any of it.”
”Yeah, it would.”
“There are rumors…” Claire begins.
Leaning in closer to her, I ask, “What kind of rumors?”
“That the Calders, well at least Kieran and his brother, Liam, are actually trying to do good for the city. That they’re trying to clean things up after their father died.”
“Clean things up?”
“Less money through drugs and blackmail and more money through investing, I guess. Anyway, it’s just what I heard.”
There”s silence for a moment, then Claire asks, ”Do you think you”re going to date him?”
”I don”t know. A part of me wants to, but it”s strange, having him remember me, but I can”t remember him.”
”Just start over.”
”Just like that?”
”Yep, just like that.”
I”m still pondering Claire”s words as I get ready for bed later that night. There”s something about him that draws me in, but I”m not sure if I”m prey for his web, or if what I see in him is just another version of myself. A creature wanting to break free of the chains placed upon us at birth, wanting to escape and fly away, to get away from the expectations of everyone around us.
Before I can think too much about it, I grab my phone and send a text to Kieran.
Why were we together? We”re from two separate worlds.
He doesn”t respond right away, and I debate putting my phone on the other side of the room so I can”t chicken out and unsend the text.
I”ve just closed my eyes when I hear the ding.
We were both born in cages we wanted to destroy.
I stare at the words on the screen until the moon rises high in the sky, casting its glow through my window and illuminating all my shadows.