Chapter 18
Shelving books at the library is one of my favorite things. Getting to see the books and putting them back in their places, the spines a kaleidoscope of color against the dark wood.
A light green book with accents of gold calls to me from the shelf above the one I”m working at, and I reach up to tug it down so I can inspect the tome. It”s old, covered in book cloth instead of a printed cover. Opening it, I realize it contains ancient tales and myths. Flipping through the pages, my gaze snags on an illustration of swans taking flight.
I am so lost in thought I don’t hear the footsteps behind me crossing the floor. Not until a deep, gravelly voice speaks behind me.
”What are you reading?”
I jump in surprise, my hands fumbling as I almost drop the book. I whirl around to find Kieran leaning against the wall, watching me with an unreadable expression.
”Kieran! You startled me!” I exclaim, pressing a hand to my chest. My heart was pounding, though not entirely from shock.
”Sorry, it looks like that book must be good,” he says, pushing away from the wall. ”I came to see you. To see if you wanted to go to dinner.”
I grin and fight the urge to fidget, my nerves getting the better of me as I toy with my necklace. The one I now know is from Kieran.
”You could have called. Or texted.” I bite my lip.
Kieran eyed the movement. ”I know. But I wanted to see you. Plus, I”ve always wanted to make out with a naughty librarian.”
I laugh at this and playfully shove at him. ”That”s not happening, buddy.”
His smirk tells me he thinks differently.
I gesture to the cart of books I’m in the middle of shelving. ”I”m busy right now. But I could have dinner with you.”
”What time do you want me to pick you up?”
”7?” I ask, thinking I”d need time to get home and feed Conan and change out of my work clothes.
”7 it is then,” he replies, reaching across the cart to grasp me around the waist and tug me to him, capturing my lips in a kiss that had me questioning my no make out in the library rules.
He pulls away and tucks a stray hair behind my ear. ”I”ll see you at 7,” he says before turning and walking away.
My mind is reeling, caught up in the surge of emotions racing through me, when a laugh interrupts my thoughts.
”So that”s what has been keeping you distracted lately.”
I turn to see Mavis standing at the end of the bookcase, a hand resting on her growing baby bump. She is due in a couple of weeks with her first child and although Sarah and I have both told her to stay off her feet and rest as much as she can at the reference desk, Mavis has been doing as she pleases.
The telltale heat of a blooming blush creeps up my neck, and I suddenly find the books in my hand very interesting. ”I have no idea what you”re referring to, Mavis.” I try, but fail, to hide my smile.
Mavis steps closer to me. ”I need all the details. You”ve been holding out on me! I mean, Kieran Calder!” she whispers this last part.
”I know, I know! I haven”t told anyone, even Iris. Mainly because Iris seemed to think he wasn”t good enough for me.” I frown.
Mavis glares. ”Screw that. I want all the details.”
I laugh. ”Okay, but not... here.”
Mavis nods. ”What about this weekend? You can come over to my place and help me finish up the nursery while you tell me all the steamy details.”
”Okay, sounds good.”
Later that evening, I’m standing at my closet door, wondering what to wear. Kieran and I have seen each other a few times now, but it is always at his place or mine. By him seeking me out at the library today, plus going to dinner together tonight, we are moving away from feeling like we have to hide our relationship in the shadows.
Conan brushes up against my leg and meows, looking up at me with pleading eyes. ”You want me to pick you up, bud?” Reaching down, I put my not so small tabby cat in my arms, while he curls up and nestles close, kneading in the fabric of my soft, fluffy robe.
”What do you think I should wear tonight, hmm?” I walk over to a simple black dress, pulling it out to take a better look. Conan yawns, and I chuckle. ”Yeah, I think you”re right. It”s too simple.”
Next, I finger a long, gauzy violet dress, which might be more suited to warmer, spring weather instead of the chilly autumn nights, but I think it would pair well with a pair of ankle boots and a fitted faux leather jacket. Conan swipes at the fabric, trying to play with it. I laugh. ”Purple it is, then.”
It isn’t long after that I touch up my makeup and sweep my copper hair up into a simple, slightly messy bun when a knock sounds at the door. Answering it, I can’t help the swell of gratitude for Conan”s choice of clothing when I spot Kieran wearing dark dress pants and a navy sweater pulled over a white button-up shirt.
”One second, I just need to feed Conan, so he doesn”t tear us my curtains or devour my pillow while I”m gone.” I say to Kieran as I step back to let him into my apartment.
His lips twitch. ”Has he done that before?” Kieran asks as he shuts the door behind him.
”No,” I reply over my shoulder, grabbing the cat food down from the cabinet. ”Well, not exactly. It”s a long story.”
”Good thing we have all night, then.” I glance up through my lashes at Kieran from where I”m kneeling, putting Conan”s food bowl on the floor.
”That”s rather presumptuous of you.” I respond haughtily, trying my best to mask the heat flowing through my veins at the look he”s giving me as I kneel in front of him.
The moment stretches between us, and I can”t think of a single thing to say to break the rising tension.
Kieran reaches his hand out to help me up, and I take it, silently rising to my feet in front of him.
”What are you thinking about?” he asks as he tilts his head. I feel like his eyes can see right through my facade, to the nerves that are racing through my veins.
I wring my hands together and look down, embarrassment heating my neck. ”Sometimes I have dreams. But I”m not sure if they are dreams or memories.”
”What do you dream about?” he asks, eyes narrowing.
”You. Me. Us. We”re having sex.” I stammer, not needing a mirror to know red is blooming across my chest and face.
I glance up to see Kieran”s hands fisted by his sides. My mouth opens and closes, but no words come out and I wish the ground would just open me up and swallow me whole.
”We should talk.”
”Talk?”
”Yes,” Kieran drawls. ”Talk.” He runs a hand through his hair, disheveling it in the best way possible, and I try hard to not bite my lip. Kieran places his hands on the nearby kitchen counter, his face suddenly serious. ”From our conversations before, I was the only one you had this conversation with, but it may have changed.”
I move to slide onto the barstool across the counter from him, waiting for him to continue.
”With sex, I like to be in control.” He pauses and examines my face at this, looking for any sign that I”m about to run. I”m not. While he”s right that I don”t recall having this conversation with anyone else, much less him, most of my romance books on my e-reader have elements of BDSM, so I”m not completely ignorant.
I am, however, shocked that we”re having this conversation and again have to remind myself that Kieran remembers our relationship, and that I”m the one who this is all new for. Well, new again.
Knowing we”ve been here before gives me a confidence I didn”t know I had, so I ask, ”What else do you like?”
Kieran”s eyes darken at that, the brown deepening to the color of the forest at night.
Leaning forward, he pulls the invisible string between us tight as he answers. ”Telling you when to come and making you do it over and over again until tears are streaming down your face as you scream my name in ecstasy. And then you kneeling at my feet, begging for more.”
All the air escapes my lungs and heat travels directly to my center. It takes me a few tries before I can voice my next thought. ”And what did I like?”
A smirk straight from the devil plays upon his lips and I realize I”ve shown my hand with my question. I don”t think I have it in me to care if he knows what effect his words have on me.
”My hands wrapped around that pretty throat as your pussy wept for my cock.”
I”m practically gasping for air now. ”And did I have a safe word?”
Surprise flashes across Kieran”s face. ”You remember that?”
”No, but I”ve read about it.”
”It was daffodil.”
”Kieran,” I breathe, the name rising from some place deep inside me.
And then Kieran moves faster than I can track, and his mouth descends on mine in a searing kiss that steals my breath away, binding me to him in a way that is impossible to escape. Not that I want to.
My lips part with a soft gasp and Kieran takes advantage, his tongue sweeping forward to meet mine, leaving the taste of whiskey behind. I feel dizzy with desire, clinging to him as my knees threaten to cave under the weight of my passion.
Kieran wraps his arms around me, pulling me flush against him. The warmth of his body seeps into mine, and I slide my hands up his chest to wrap around his neck, deepening the kiss.
A low groan rumbles in Kieran”s chest, vibrating against my lips and sending a jolt straight to my core. I want more—to drive him to the edge of control and beyond. To ignite the barely restrained passion I sense within him. Kieran is always so restrained and calculated. I want him undone.
Kieran”s hands trail down to my hips before lifting me up. I arch into him with a soft moan, wrapping my legs around his body as he carries me to the couch in the living room, sitting me astride his lap.
Kieran moves from my lips to trail hot, open-mouthed kisses along my jaw and down the sensitive skin of my neck. I tip my head back with a sigh, desire pooling low in my belly.
”Tell me to stop,” Kieran rasps against my collarbone. His hands slide under the neckline of my dress, calloused fingers igniting sparks along my skin. ”Tell me you don”t want this.”
”I will never tell you that,” I reply breathlessly, ”but we”re going to be late for dinner.” I tangle my fingers in his hair and guide his mouth back to mine, kissing him with a hunger that matches his own.
”I”ve got all the dinner I need right here,” Kieran growls low in his throat, the sound shuddering through me. His hands slide down to cup my breasts, teasing my nipples into tight peaks that strain against the violet fabric.
Heat floods my veins as I arch into his touch with a soft cry. Tugging at his sweater, Kieran breaks our kiss to yank it over his head and tosses it behind him. I”m desperate to feel his bare skin against mine and fumble with the buttons of his shirt, fingers clumsy with anticipation.
As I push the shirt from his shoulders, my fingers brush against the ridged scars that mar his chest and abdomen, but that isn”t what catches my eye.
My gaze snags on a tattoo on Kieran”s broad chest. It is an exact match to the necklace I wear, the curved lines intertwining just about his heart. My hand automatically lifts, tracing the edges of the ink.
I understood in this moment that no matter what I couldn”t remember of this man, of our time together, I was etched in his soul, more permanent than any scar.
”Now you know,” Kieran interrupts my thoughts, his voice low.
”Know what?”
”I would have carried you with me forever, no matter which way the tides turned. If you remembered, or not. If we were together, or not. It wouldn”t have mattered. You left your mark on me a long time ago, Lina.”
At a loss for words, I lower my lips to the lines my fingers were tracing and kiss them.
My stomach drops as I am suddenly in the air, being carried down the hall towards my bedroom. Sitting me on the bed, Kieran kneels before me.
”May I?” he asks. I nod and he moves like honey, trailing his hands up my legs in an unhurried pace, slowly slipping my boots off.
Hooded eyes meet mine as his hands began a deliciously slow torment up the inside of my thighs, meandering in their exploration. But instead of going to my dripping core like I”m envisioning in my head, Kieran smirks as he grabs the hem of my dress to lift it over my head.
I couldn”t stop the frustrated growl that left my lips.
Kieran just continues to his sly fox grin as he reaches around to unclasp my bra and then his hands are traveling to my hips again, gripping my underwear and oh so slowly pulling them down my heated flesh.
”Didn”t anyone ever tell you that patience is a virtue?”
”Fuck you,” I hiss.
”Oh, you will, don”t worry.” he grins.
He pulls back enough to strip off his pants and then he”s on me, pushing me down against the bed and folding his body over mine. His lips crash into mine as his body weighs me down, the sudden contact too much and not enough.
I thread my fingers in his hair as I pant between kisses, shifting my hips in an attempt to ease the ache that”s building between my thighs.
”I want to hear you say it, Lina.”
I pout and nip at Kieran”s neck in irritation, wanting to leave a mark on him, the same way I know he”s marked my soul.
A dark chuckle tickles my ear before Kieran leans back to look me in the eye. ”Use your words, Lina.”
I blow a breath between my teeth before answering. ”I want you to fuck me, Kieran.”
Thankfully, Kieran doesn”t tease me further, and instead trails kisses down my neck and shoulder, a constellation that only he knows.
”Please,” I gasp. I lift my hips up, angling towards him. Kieran pushes inside in one slow glide, forcing a shudder out of my body and breath out of my lungs. We both still for just a moment, all too aware of how well we fit together, and then we”re moving once again.
Here, my forgotten memories are abandoned, discarded like paper on the wind. All that matters is the blood rushing in my veins, singing to the man currently seated inside of me. It”s sex, but it”s more than sex. It”s coming home, and I”m unsure which one of us is finding ourselves again, me or Kieran.
I wrap myself around Kieran, holding on as he grips my hips and fucks me slow, trailing kisses over my neck and breasts, teasing my nipples into firm points that have me arching against him. Slowly the pressure builds and Kieran”s hand moves between us, brushing and circling my clit with languid strokes. He”s in no rush to wring out every drop of pleasure he can from my body.
I”m caught in a web that I”m desperate to escape but never want to leave. The pleasure is intense, clouding over all of my senses until nothing is left but the sensation of Kieran”s body on mine. My past that I can”t remember, the accident, everything else melts away.
Another brush of his lips under my ear, a swipe of his fingers at my core, and I”m crying out, muscles tensing in pleasure so sweet it feels like I”ll drown. Kieran grunts and then he”s moving with me, chasing his own release.
We fall back to the bed with me curled on top of Kieran, my head resting on his chest, again tracing my fingers on the dark lines there.
”What does it mean?” I ask.
”It”s a Celtic knot called Serch Bythol, which means everlasting love in Welsh.”
”And when did you get the tattoo?” I gaze up at him to see his hooded eyes locked onto mine, their depths unreadable.
”The night I gave you the necklace.”
I settled back onto his chest, pondering his words, one hand on my necklace and the other on Kieran”s chest.
It wasn”t long until sleep settled over me like a soft blanket, and for the first time in months, I simply dreamed.
Iawake to the rich scent of coffee, and my mouth waters at the thought of sugary caffeine on my tongue. I stretch languidly, my body pleasantly sore as memories of the night before flash through my mind—Kieran”s hands and mouth exploring every inch of my body, his whispered promises and fervent pleas ringing in my ears.
”I dreamed of you, even when you didn”t dream of me. It”s always been you, Avalina. Always you.”
The creak of a door made me turn. Kieran emerges in the doorway, dressed once more in dark jeans and a black shirt. His hair is mussed from sleep, his gaze intense as it settles on me.
”I brought you coffee,” he says, holding out a steaming mug.
Sitting up with the sheet around me, I reach out for the cup of divine nectar. ”Trying to get on my good side?”
Kieran”s mouth quirks. ”Too late for that now, Lina.” His gaze dipped to the exposed skin at my neck, darkening. ”I already got everything I wanted from you last night.”
Heat floods my cheeks as I bring the mug to my lips. The coffee was hot and sweet, just the way I liked it. ”How did you know?” I wonder aloud.
Kieran sits down beside me, his arm brushing against mine. ”I”ve always known you, Lina. Even when you don”t know yourself.”
I stare at him, questions rising in my throat. I think of the familiar way he touched me, the secrets we had shared in the dark. Even though I can’t remember our time together from before the accident, it feels right, being here with Kieran. The only thing missing was my acceptance of this bond that tugged tight between us.
Sipping my coffee, a flash of insight dawns. Somewhere along the way, the memories I was missing in my relationship with Kieran began to feel less like an unbreachable mist. Curiosity burns the mental fog away, revealing the path that had been before me all along, waiting for me.