Chapter Thirty-One #3
Kade put his fingers to the base of Killi’s throat, along the long thick line of enil that ran down the center of Killi’s chest from the two rings around his throat. A vow taken, a pledge, an oath. “Was it this? Was it him?”
Killi flinched and it was all the answer Kade needed.
“Ah,” Kade breathed, the pain in his chest swelled to bursting. “Of course.”
Killi’s hands came up to hold him, soft but firm. There was nothing he could say to make this better.
“Tell me,” Kade begged. He didn’t want to know. “Tell me.”
“All that I am, is tied to him.” Killi’s voice was cold, distant, like he wasn’t affirming Kade’s nightmare. “If he dies—when he dies—I….” I’ll die with him.
No one dared to bind themselves so wholly to another, to pledge the entirety of their en to another being…
It was suicide.
It was too much. Kade pitched forward, his forehead hit Killi’s chest, and he broke. His mouth hung open in shock. His eyes wet and wide. It was as if his entire world had tilted beneath his feet and he was left whirling.
Going numb, Kade’s knees buckled. Catching him, Killi helped him to the floor, drawing him close, his head tucked under Killi’s chin.
“Breathe,” said Killi. “Breathe.”
“How could you?” Kade gasped. He couldn’t get enough air into his lungs. “How could you agree to this?”
All that I am, Killi had said. His entire being. All of his en.
Fyar was stealing Killi all over again. Taking him away from Kade. Again.
Kade had been naive to think that Killi belonged to him, even for a moment. Killi had always been Fyar’s, and he always would be.
They were one entity—Killi was Fyar—one sided as it was. There was no way the king would tie himself to another. There was no way he would risk it.
“I’m sorry,” was all Killi said. “I’m sorry.”
It was no comfort.
Closing his eyes, Kade took a few deep breaths to steady himself. “Is that the king’s blood on your trousers?”
A beat of silence. “No. The king wasn’t attacked in that way.”
“Oh.”
“I need to get ready. Can you stand on your own?”
When Kade shook his head, Killi helped him over to perch on the end of the bed. Then, he stepped away and began swapping out his bloodstained sleeping clothes for the dark fabrics of his uniform.
Kade watched him, feeling like he wasn’t all there. “If he wasn’t attacked, then what was it?”
“You know I can’t tell you.”
“Why not? The king’s health and general well-being just jumped to the top of my priority list. I’m hardly a threat to him now, am I?”
Killi paused, his eyes flickering over to Kade. “Were you ever?”
“I could have been.” Kade had fantasized about it enough times for it to be considered unhealthy.
Having finished pulling on his jacket, Killi shoved his feet into his high boots and began fixing the laces. Kade’s eyes followed his deft fingers.
“Poison, then?” Kade simply shrugged at Killi’s glare. “It makes sense. It’s the easiest option if it wasn’t a physical attack. You really aren’t that great at secrets, Killi. As the Captain of the King’s Guard you should really work on that.”
“I think I’m plenty good at secrets,” Killi scoffed. “You can just read me too well.”
“You should work on that, too.”
Killi straightened, and stepped closer. Kade spread his thighs to make room for Killi between them.
He tapped Kade twice on the nose. “You’re just too smart for your own good.
” Killi took Kade by the chin and tilted his head up so he could meet dark, intelligent eyes.
“It was poison, but he’s alright now. I’m alright now. They won’t get so close again.”
“You can’t know that.” Kade could hardly imagine it as it was, someone getting so close as to poison the king. Or to even have the gall to try. “How did they do it? What poison?”
Scowling, Killi shook his head. Then, his face pinched and he seemed to change his mind about something. “This doesn’t leave this room.” Kade nodded seriously. He wouldn’t break Killi’s confidence. Killi pursed his lips, clearly hesitant, but he pushed on anyway. “What do you know of anafei?”
“Anafei?” The name didn’t spark any recognition in Kade. “I’ve never heard of it.”
“It’s a flowering plant not native to Netyere.” Killi sounded stiff, like he was reciting something he still didn’t understand. “The flowers are poisonous but the root has…stimulating properties. It was brewed into a tea.”
Kade went deathly still, his heart sinking into his stomach. Tea? “What color are the flowers?”
Killi’s brow furrowed as he recalled the information. “White.”
“I thought that the king dosed himself with poison regularly to avoid situations like this.”
“He does.” Killi ran a hand over his face, digging his fingers into tired eyes. “Apparently, not against this strain—this plant.”
There was a picture being painted in Kade’s mind, the broad strokes becoming clearer and clearer to reveal a horrible, devastating picture. There were scenes flashing in his mind, words said and decisions made that hadn’t mattered in the moment—hadn’t fit. Until now.
Kade saw Porthos in Hokda’s office, looking through the king’s history.
Kade saw Porthos asking Kade to swipe something from the king’s garden.
Kade saw Porthos saying he wanted to make a tea for his brother using the flower Kade got him. A white flower.
It couldn’t be true.
Eyes sliding shut, Kade fought down a whimper. He desperately needed to speak with Porthos.
“Hey,” Killi said softly, placing a gentle hand on the nape of Kade’s neck. “It’ll be alright. We’ll be alright.”
Kade nodded, even though he couldn’t quite believe it.
“We should go,” said Killi, nuzzling his nose into Kade’s cheek. “They’ll be waiting.”
No matter the situation, Killi’s closeness was intoxicating to Kade. He leaned into the touch and—just for a moment—let himself melt against Killi, forgetting all the awfulness of the situation he was in.
“We should.”
Neither of them moved.
Too much time later, Killi pulled back just enough and held out his hand.
Kade took it, but didn’t move to stand. He brought Killi’s hand to his lips. “I don’t want to go.”
Tucking a loose strand of hair behind Kade’s ear, Killi said, “I know. Me either. I wish we could just stay here. Fuck everything else.”
“You should drink a vitality elixir before we go. You didn’t sleep.”
Killi’s expression softened. “I will if you will.”