Chapter Fifteen
Bhodi?
Feeling a slight movement next to me, my eyes snap open immediately. Already on high alert, my eyes scan the dark room. I forget where I am or how I got here for a split second. But as my gaze lands on the blonde curls fanned across the pillow, I feel my heart rate settle. Last night’s memories flood back instantly as I allow my head to gently fall back onto the soft pillow.
Laying on her side, Summer sleeps peacefully. I watch in awe as she breathes gently, lost in a warm slumber. I had no intention of staying, hell I don’t even know why I fucking showed up. I just knew I wanted to see her, get lost in her, and forget the terrible things I had done. But that doesn’t mean I regret killing Alex. I’ll never regret that. Someone like him needed to be stopped without question.
I left the mess in the warehouse for someone else to sort out. I knew if I had stayed, I’d begin to feel myself spiral, second-guessing and questioning myself, and I don’t need that right now. I can’t deny Summer does something to me. From the first moment I saw her picture in Michael’s office, I felt a pull I couldn’t explain. I’d never had that before, the desire to be near someone. The bright smile from the photo seemed to offer so much hope and wonder, that I couldn’t seem to pull my eyes away.
Growing up, I had no friends. There was nothing wrong with me as a kid, but when your mom is a drug addict along with her abusive boyfriend, it’s not something you want banded around school. Kids can be cruel, and I didn’t need them having that ammunition. Instead, I chose to read. I’d climb a tree near my mom’s place and get lost in a book for hours. There’s something about your imagination that makes you believe anything is possible at that age. Back then, I had a slither of hope that maybe one day she would change, break the habit, get herself cleaned up, and become the parent I always wanted.
Life doesn’t give you what you want most of the time. The dull ache in my heart begins to feel unbearable as I lay on my back. My gaze fixed on the ceiling as the hideous memory passes through my mind. I feel a tight knot form in my throat, and my eyes blur with tears as the screams pierce my ears. My guilt consumes me…
I should have done more…
That small phrase haunts me. Each night I close my eyes, it rears its ugly head, taunting me further, and makes sure I never forget what a terrible son I was. Maybe that’s why I’ve chosen the path that I have, taking bad people off the streets so they can never torment and terrorize another soul again. But even I know all the good in the world cannot forgive my own mistake, I was only fourteen when it happened. My entire world crashed at my feet, but guilt doesn’t have an age restriction. It eats at your soul, gnawing away like a curse.
Unable to sleep, I roll onto my side. Whilst the bed is incredibly comfortable, I know my mind is far too alert and on edge to allow me to sleep. I know Alex’s death would never be traced to me, and that doesn’t bother me too much. What bothers me is the same question that I ask myself over and over.
Will I ever have a normal life?
For ten or so years, the career path I chose has been hectic, long, and drawn out. My childhood years were full of misery and abuse. My teenage years weren’t much better, but as a teenager, I filled out a little and learned to look out for myself. I became street smart which helped with my NYPD career. But I’d always had this dream of walking into my home. My wife would turn around with a bright smile because I was home, and we’d dance slowly to Frank Sinatra in the kitchen as we prepared dinner.
The thought always brought a glimmer of hope to me, hoping one day I could have exactly that. Someone could show me how to love, show me affection, kindness, and warmth, something I’m all too aware my dark soul lacks. My biggest fear of all, is that once everything is said and done, I’ll end up alone. The only thing keeping me company is fading memories of the horrific acts I’ve committed, along with the screams of so many who dared to escape justice.
Some may say that’s perfect; you’ve made a difference and should be proud. Maybe so? But not me. I know there’s far more to life than what I have right now. I just have to work on it and not allow myself to fall down a black hole where I lack empathy and love. A few weeks ago, this wouldn’t have crossed my mind. I would have just carried on because I didn’t know any different. But with Summer walking into my life, even under the tragic circumstances, I just can’t seem to allow this to pass me by, no matter how anyone else feels about it.
Taking one final look towards Summer’s peaceful form, I savour the moment. Making a note of each freckle on her nose, how her delicate features are resting, how she sleeps with one arm under the pillow, and how, even when she’s in a deep sleep, she’s so breathtakingly beautiful. It is so delicate and so peaceful, and I feel a warmth pull at my cold heart. As though someone is trying to remind me that it is still, in fact, there and beating.
Sliding from the bed, I briefly turn back to ensure I haven’t woken her up. Moving through the apartment I find my clothes strewn across the bathroom floor. Quickly getting dressed, I pull my phone from my pocket, but to my surprise, there’s no messages. My shoulders sag slightly when there’s no news on Strode’s condition yet, knowing I’ve been told to go home and stay there for now, I doubt they would have sent anyone to check on me.
Turning in the mirror and spotting the blood that’s still stained on my T-shirt, I opt for heading home and burning it all. As my mind begins to swarm, I know the best thing for me to do right now is leave. I feel my fists clench at my own fucking stupidity, thinking with my dick and not my brain. I’ve now done exactly the opposite of what I told Strode. I’ve crossed that fucking line and made things far more complicated. How stupid was I to ever think this could end happily, she’s about to bury her father for fuck’s sake and all I’ve done is send mixed signals because I’m incapable of functioning like a normal human being.
As my head falls back, I let out a heavy sigh. Shaking my head, I move quickly from the apartment and back towards my car. Unable to shake the guilty feeling that follows me.