1 #3
“Thank you, Uzi,” I said softly, giving his hand a squeeze, “but my point still stands. I think all our teenage romanticising has gone straight to my head to be honest, because what even is the right moment, anyway? This is reality; almost nothing works according to plan. Either we find a way to go with the flow, or we set ourselves up for a world of disappointment.”
Uzezi’s eyebrows were furrowed, his mouth working like he wanted to say something, but he seemed to change his mind. When he did speak, I knew he’d planned on saying something else, but I didn’t want to push.
“So, what you’re saying is you want to just … get it over with?”
“Don’t make it sound so—ugh. I just don’t want it to mean so much anymore. Is that so bad?”
“No, of course not. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting sex for the sake of it, first time or no; a lot of people don’t care and that’s fine. If that’s what you really want.” His eyes were far too perceptive.
I stood to hide my expression, even though it was pointless because he’d know exactly what I was doing.
My hand felt cold without his touch. “Have you ever thought maybe the reason we even put so much emphasis on our first times is because of, I don’t know, society’s expectations and all that shit?
I mean, think about it. Realistically. It shouldn’t. Even. Matter.”
“It shouldn’t matter to whom?” Uzezi argued, shifting so he was sitting on the edge of the bed and facing me properly, swinging his legs around to balance his socked feet on the carpeted floor.
“Wanting your first personal experience with sex to be a positive one has absolutely nothing to do with what the fuck society may or may not think.”
“But it’s not just a “positive” experience I want, is it? I want profound emotions and curling toes and stars in my eyes and—” I stopped and shook my head. “I just don’t want to set myself up for disappointment. And putting this “perfect first time” shit on a pedestal is going to do exactly that.”
“I …” Uzezi stopped, sounding heartbroken. He straightened. “You’re right, it’s probably not going to be perfect in the most literal sense of the word, but, for me, when I say perfect, I just mean that no matter what, it’s going to be good. It’s going to be everything.”
Longing stirred. That was what I wanted.
Exactly that. Unrealistic as I was beginning to think it was, I wanted it to be everything.
For a moment, I remembered that night again—A.K.A.
the Glitch that heralded all the other Glitches—me and Uzezi confessing our desires over the phone in the intimacy of the darkness, and how that intimacy had nearly had me blurting out something reckless.
That feeling I’d felt that night—the safety and the trust and the teasing warmth in my lower belly; the way my skin had tingled with it, the air thick with a tension that had felt positively electric—that was what I wanted; it felt like I’d been endlessly chasing that high since it happened.
But for me to get that, I had to meet someone who was on the same wavelength as I was, someone I completely loved and trusted and wanted with my whole being and who felt the same way about me.
But I was tired of putting myself out there, vulnerable and full of hope, only for my desires to get dashed time and time again.
Either I got with the program, or I remained alone forever, waiting for a person—and a moment—that didn’t exist.
I tried to lighten the mood. “It might be easier for you because you’re a guy who wants to take it slow; you’re practically a unicorn.
” Uzezi managed a small laugh. I grinned, then sobered.
“If only I had someone like you, right?” I said, but the admission felt a little too strange.
“Unfortunately, it seems there are only so many Uzezis in the world,” I added in a rush.
Uzezi was smiling that slow smile at me, the one I was sure drove all the people whose eye he caught wild. “Aw. That’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever said about me.”
“Get out of my bed. I want to sleep.”
Uzezi laughed but took that as his cue to say his goodnights. I dutifully walked him to the front door. He lived with Prince and their third housemate, Dayo, on the street just behind the house I shared with Fiona and Bernice, my third housemate.
On the stoop, he turned to face me, tucking his hands in the pockets of his jacket. “If it makes you feel any better, I also think there are only so many Ofures in the world, cause look at me. If it were so damn easy, I’d also have found the one by now.”
“Huh.” That was true. There are only so many Ofures in the world. That statement should not make me feel as good as it did. “That does make me feel a little better.”
“Wow, okay. Enjoy my pain, will you?”
“Guy, if you don’t get out of this place—”
Uzezi laughed, stepping backward onto the pavement and blowing me a dramatic kiss. “Goodnight, Fure. Love you.”
I grinned and reached out to catch it, then pressed my clenched fist just as dramatically to my chest. “Goodnight, Uzi. Love you, too.”