26. Chapter 26
LONDYN
Raven is also here, virtually, trying to stop me from unraveling further.
"It's not your fault, love," she coos. It's daytime in Melbourne, so her apartment glows around her as she adds, "None of this is your fault."
The light from my laptop screen cuts through the darkness of my bedroom, casting harsh shadows across the walls.
I'm trying to focus on her soothing tone, her words, but I'm lost in memories and images that won't stop playing and rewinding.
I feel Sean's lips against mine, how steady and wonderful they felt.
There's the warmth of his hands, the bulk of his body pressing me into the couch. I felt electric and needy for more.
And then mind-shredding panic. Overwhelming, suffocating terror that made my skin feel borrowed.
Raven's concerned face stares back at me, waiting. She really is lovely. She looks beautiful and whole and unbroken. If only I could just be her, because so often nowadays I don't want to be myself.
I touch my swollen eyes and feel the puffiness from hours of crying. My throat is raw, my chest hollow from scooping out all the emotion. I've been crying so long my body has forgotten how to do anything else, and I'm sure I'm already terribly dehydrated.
I stare at my lovely friend as tears blur my vision again. A question has been burning inside me since I pushed Sean away, searing through every other thought. I've been scared to voice it because what if it's true? What if Raven agrees?
I'm scared, but I need to ask.
"If I like Sean, you know, watching me…" I begin, the words sticking like shards of glass in my throat, cutting me on the way out.
"And… I like knowing he's… getting turned on because of me…
am I… I mean… does that mean I actually wanted…
that when I was assaulted… I liked… I mean, I secretly wanted—"
"Sweetie, no." Raven's voice rises in pitch and her face twists in on itself. She's pissed, but I know it's not aimed at me. Just my thoughts.
I can see tears gathering in her eyes now too. "Lonny… no. Please, please don't think those things. That was not your fault. That man had no right to do that."
The dam breaks and I'm sobbing again. My hands shake so badly I have to set the laptop on the bed beside me. I curl around it like it's a safety plushie, like Raven's voice is the only thing keeping me from exploding into a million pieces.
"I wanted Sean to see me," I say through ragged pulls. "I wanted him to want me. What does that say about me, though? About what happened with… that man in the past?"
"It says you're a perfectly wonderful, sexual woman with normal desires," Raven insists, her voice cracking as a tear slips out.
She sniffs and wipes her eyes. "You have every right to feel sexy and want a bloke to think about you and desire you.
You can want all those things. You can even have fantasies about things being, well, rough.
Because sex is fun when you want to share all that with someone you trust, yeah? "
I nod, trying again to absorb her words, but they slide off me like raindrops.
The shame burns too hot, too bright. In my head, The Director's voice whispers to me as he restrains me.
He tells me that I wanted this since I wore such skimpy clothes.
That I knew I was a tease because I was always smiling.
If I didn't want it, why did I agree to go to parties with him outside of work?
"You've wanted this all along. Your body was made to be dominated, so you don't need to deny or resist what's completely natural, sweetheart."
"Listen to me," Raven continues, pulling my focus away from a nightmare.
She leans closer to the camera, no longer teary but determined.
"Having sexy desires does not mean that it's okay for a man to assault you.
I don't care if you're in the nuddy walking down the street, no one has the right to touch you without permission.
That's why it's a crime. It's a hundred percent that twisted asshole's fault. "
I press my palms against my eyes, trying to stop the flow of tears.
"I know that," I whisper. "In my head, I know.
I've spent thousands of dollars on therapy just learning that.
But here"—I touch my chest—"This doesn't listen.
Why do I still feel like this? Like I did something wrong? Why can't I just be okay?"
The question almost chokes me with its honesty. Years of therapy, of rewiring my head, of carefully rebuilding myself, and one moment of me trying to be sexual again with someone brings it all crashing down.
"I thought I was ready," I continue, lowering my hands to stare at the ceiling.
"I really like Sean. He's so considerate and funny and sweet.
I've been feeling just fine around him. We've flirted and touched and it's all been fine and I've been craving more.
The first kiss was so tender. And… I just thought I was ready. "
Raven remains silent, giving me space to process.
The memory of Sean sitting beside me on the couch plays again.
His eyes held such vulnerability as he told me about Wunmi; his strong hands trembled slightly.
I yearned to comfort him and ease that pain I recognized so well.
And beneath that, a current of desire pulsed, one that has been building since his blue hair first touched my heart.
Our first kiss was like stepping into sunlight after years in a cave. Gentle. Warm. Safe.
So I pushed myself, pushed him for more, thinking it would all continue to be wonderful.
"The first kiss was like something from a movie," I say. "But when he was above me, suddenly it wasn't Sean anymore. It was the man from my past. I was back there, pinned down, and I couldn't breathe."
"Oh, sweetie."
"I tried, Raven. I really tried to stay present, to remember it was Sean. My body was saying yes, but then my brain just…" I press my fingers against my sternum, feeling the rapid flutter of my heart. "The terror became so overwhelming. And I worried he might not stop if I asked."
But Sean did stop. He immediately stopped. He didn't question or argue or try to tell me to 'relax' or anything else. The moment I said stop , he was on his feet, giving me space. The contrast between him and The Director couldn't be more stark.
And still, I spiraled.
"After I freaked out, everything gets blurry," I say. "I think I was babbling about clothes and parties and—" A realization hits me and I feel sick to my stomach. "Oh god, I think I basically told him about my assault."
Raven's eyebrows lift, squishing the freckles on her forehead. "Did you tell him directly?"
"No, but Sean is very observant. Like, scary observant." I pull a pillow to my chest, hugging it tightly. "I'm sure he figured it out. The look on his face… there was so much anger."
"Good," Raven says firmly. "Because if he wasn't angry about what happened to you, I'd fly over there right now and kick his arse."
I give her a tiny smile. "Well… he knows my truth regardless. Now he'll always see me as damaged goods. Everything will be different." I swallow hard, trying not to cry again.
I don't want things to be different between us.
I want more of him close to me.
Raven shakes her head. "Or maybe he'll see you as the incredibly strong, resilient woman you are.
The woman who survived something horrific and is still working to heal and be happy.
" She pauses, considering her next words.
"Love, I think you need to talk to him. Not just give him hints.
Be upfront about it, as much as you're comfortable sharing, and say exactly what you need from him to feel safe.
The way you talk about him… he sounds like a good bloke. He'll listen."
"There's still a chance it ends badly. What if he doesn't want me after knowing?" The fear that's been lurking beneath all others finally surfaces and I can no longer shove it down.
Should I really tell him the details?
"Then he's not the man you thought he was and you move on," Raven says simply. "But, truly, I think it'll be great."
She's right, of course. In the brief glimpse I had of Sean's face before I sent him away, there was no disgust, no judgment, only concern and a rage I recognized wasn't directed at me.
Still… the dread is invasive.
"Okay, but I need some time to think over my words." I don't have to tell him details, only something. It'll at least explain why the news outlets all said I was in rehab; The Director fabricated that story.
Raven's expression shifts and her forehead crinkles in concern. "I could come visit. Be there in person."
The suggestion catches me off guard, but it makes me happy. Her willingness to drop everything for me is so amazing. "You'd do that?"
"Yeah! No worries. I'll book a flight right now."
"Your work never gives you time off."
She shrugs. "I'll tell 'em to rack off. I've been thinking about quitting."
"Don't do that for me. Really, I'm so touched you would offer but with the whole stalker thing… It's a lot. I don't want to worry about you coming here and something happening."
Her amber eyes flash wide. "Like what? Is it that serious? Then it sounds like I need to be there."
I backpedal quickly, realizing my mistake.
I haven't shared everything with her because I don't want her to stay up at night worrying.
"No, no, it's not that serious. Sean and Mike are handling it, and they said there hasn't been any sign of someone following me.
" The lie tastes awful, but the last thing I need is Raven putting herself at risk.
"I only meant that it's stressful, but I'm not sure someone's really stalking me.
I'll be fine, I promise. Don't upend your life.
Though, someday I do want to hang out in person.
I'd rather come to you where we can spend time on the sunny beaches. "
She studies me for a long moment, clearly not convinced but willing to let it go for now. "If you're sure. But the offer stands. Anytime."
"Thank you." Fresh tears sting my eyes, this time from gratitude. "You're the best friend I could ask for."
We talk a while longer and Raven's calm voice slowly pulls me back from the edge of despair. She lightens my mood by sharing updates about her new apartment situation. There's a hot neighbor wanting to help with her repairs, so she's been breaking things on purpose.
By the time we say goodbye, my eyelids are heavy and my body is depleted from the emotional onslaught.
I set my laptop aside and curl up beneath my blankets. My face feels puffy and tight from dried tears; my throat is parched. Sleep tugs at the edge of my consciousness, promising a temporary escape.
In the morning, I'll think about what to say to Sean. I'll face whatever reaction he has with my chin up, even if he rejects me and my heavy, heavy baggage.
For now, I surrender to exhaustion, letting the darkness pull me under as I imagine Sean's lips on mine again in a tender, gentle kiss.