32. Chapter 32
LONDYN
WHAT AM I DOING?
I honestly don't know because the script keeps changing, but I also don't want to stop myself.
I might be risking pushing myself too far, but Sean is so gorgeous, one hand tied behind his back, the muscles of his torso flexing every time he sucks in air and pumps his free hand over that glorious cock.
He's so girthy, so stiff-straight and swollen at the tip.
There's a long, thick vein running underneath that his fingers massage with every stroke.
My body is pulsing for him. Maybe I'm too foggy with lust, but I just want…
I just need…
He moves his free hand behind the chair as I reach him. I know with absolute certainty that he'll keep it there. He won't touch unless I give him permission.
Knowing that pushes me forward onto his lap until I'm straddling him and we're both staring deep into each other's essence. I arch my back, craving his touch even though I feel on the edges of yellow.
Just one touch.
I push my breasts close enough that a nipple grazes his lips. He doesn't move, staring up at me and waiting.
"Green," I whisper even though I'm not. I just want this so badly and I'm tired of being patient. I desperately need to feel normal again.
His tongue flicks out first, adding heat to my skin.
When I moan, he draws my nipple and breast into his mouth, as much as he can get in, then his tongue swirls around the bumpy surface.
His mouth is so hot. My body is so hot. The way he's sucking with a deep hunger sends a delicious shiver down my spine.
I let out a moan that sounds like it's coming from some new part of me, and I start to rub myself on his thighs.
"Sean…"
He doesn't answer, only moves to my other breast and stares up at me with eyes that hold so much raw desire—unblinking, dark, watchful.
But with those gentle crinkles along the edges that tell me he'd never hurt me.
He's thoughtful and caring and god I want to experience all that emotion with him thrusting inside me.
His cock is hard between my legs, twitching every time I shift my hips. I move up on his lap, trapping him between my inner thighs and squeezing in rhythm with the pulsing need inside me.
He releases my breast, licking his lips and leaning back to watch me work his length with nothing but my soft skin and the insistence of my hips. He lets out a low, dangerous rumble, and I can see it's taking all his restraint not to grab me and fuck me.
The ache is too much for both of us. His eyes are burning into mine, asking permission without saying a word. My own eyes go half-lidded as I reach down. His thickness twitches in my hand as I position myself above him.
Don't, my mind says.
You're pushing yourself.
But I just need this. I'm so tired of stopping, of carrying this burden I never asked for.
As I position him at my opening, he breaks my concentration by saying, "Give me a color, beautiful. I don't want this to be too much."
I close my eyes and don't answer. I can't lie. And I can't tell him the truth.
He's leaking a lot of pre-cum and I'm not on birth control, but I'm hardly thinking about that as I slide down slowly, taking in each inch.
He stretches me open, and the fullness sparks blistering waves of pleasure.
It's been so long since I've felt this, but since the last time was when a man touched me without kindness or consent, the haunted panic starts to build.
It's clear how not ready for this I am.
Sean feels so good that I don't stop until he's buried completely, until he groans out my name like it's been waiting on his lips forever. Still, it's too much. There's not enough air beneath my lust. Warnings flash yellow in my mind as the fear grows and grows, blocking out everything else.
All my features pinch together and I can feel the tears gathering. I look down at him and whimper slightly. "Sean…"
His gaze softens fully back into my protector and he nods. "Let's stop."
I lift my hips before the fear turns red and I start screaming. He remains still, panting beneath me as I pull away, inch by inch, until he's out of me completely. The emptiness leaves mixed relief and longing in its wake.
We stay like that for a moment, neither of us moving or speaking.
Finally, he says my name softly. "Londyn…"
I know what he's asking: Are you okay?
I don't respond, only drop my chin until it's resting on my collarbone.
I'm not okay and I'm so tired of not being okay.
The tears sting my eyes but I try to push past all of it and reach down to grasp his cock.
I feel the velvety skin and, even though my body has already derailed from any sexy feelings, I want to give him pleasure.
I've felt so selfish this weekend, and I just want to see him get pleasure and feel good.
His voice is a hard wall. "Stop."
I inhale and release him, glancing at him through my lashes. "But—"
"Just stop."
The tears immediately sting my nose and fall from my eyes as I turn away. An aching despair weighs on my chest. "I'm sorry I ruined this. I'm sorry I couldn't—"
"You didn't ruin anything. Hey. Look at me."
I shake my head.
"Beautiful, come on."
Finally, I give him a side glance.
His tone is unflinching as he says, "You didn't ruin anything. You're perfect. This evening was perfect, and I loved this time with you."
"I'm far from perfect."
"Matter of opinion."
My heart aches because how does he always do this? How does he make me feel like everything is fine when all my baggage is clearly getting in the way?
"I'm not looking for things to have a certain ending," he continues. "Yeah, I say things when I'm horny, but I wasn't trying to pressure you. Did you feel that way?"
"No."
"Good. I'm just delirious because that's what you do to me. But there's no goal. Coming isn't that important."
I scoff. "Says no man ever."
He doesn't laugh. "I'm serious. I'm happy to share what we're sharing. This time with you is what's important to me. We don't have to finish a certain way or do anything that doesn't feel good. I'm still so fucking happy."
The conviction in his words makes me smile but my insides are sinking into a dark pit filled with snakes.
I've wilted on his lap, my head hanging low, so he says, "Hey. There's no rush."
"There is, though. We have a time limit. Mike comes back Tuesday. And I'm sure your company isn't going to keep giving me financial assistance, right?" He doesn't respond, so I peek up at him.
Sean's jaw ticks, then he runs his tongue over his teeth. "Don't worry about that."
"Why? Honestly, I can't afford this security and I can't afford a third month of rent. And you're only here a few more weeks. This also isn't what your job is supposed to be…"
"I told you, anything you need."
"I can't ask this of you. I can't ask you to stay when you're not getting paid."
His jaw ticks again and he opens and closes his mouth a few times like he's not sure what to say. Finally, he drops his gaze to the floor. "Is it that you can't? Or don't want to?"
Air stalls in my throat because I wasn't expecting that question. I wasn't expecting him to want to stay or to ask for validation that I want that too.
I do. I really, really want him to stay.
But that's so much to ask. We're not a couple; I don't know if I can be a couple.
He can't just stay here as my free-of-charge security because how's he going to pay his bills?
What about his home? I think he lives in California, across the country.
I can't just demand this man, with his own life, drop everything and move to Manhattan because I simply need more time with him.
That really is insane, and I'm not going to be so selfish.
"I'm sorry." I climb off his lap and fix my teddy so it's covering all of me. I undo his wrist and legs and walk toward the hallway.
"Londyn."
I turn slightly, not enough to look at him. "I need some time alone."
"Should I stay across the hall?"
"For now. But you can sleep on the couch again later, since that's safer." I don't linger; I walk down the hallway and shut my bedroom door.
I'm crying, but silently, the tears drying quickly on my cheeks. When I enter the bathroom, I lift the bottom of my teddy to expose my stomach. The puckered, wrinkled skin stares back at me—a patchwork of deep rose, pale pink, and various shades of tan where the cuts have healed.
I don't believe Sean. I don't believe he can see me as perfect. Or be happy with this .
Or want to stay.