49. Nicola
Nicola
The realization washes over me: She did this. All of it. It was Martha all along.
My father.
Ben.
Jason Redfern.
Her!
Why didn’t I see it? Where had it been all along? Perhaps I just didn’t want to see it. The truth is ugly that way. So, we shove it down deep, in places where no one can see what we know, what we hide.
Did I give her permission that day, or did she just take it?
Did I ever give Martha permission for anything, or like the darkness itself, has she always been swallowing me up whole?
I can’t tell anymore.
The loop has paused, the truth wrung out like blood from an open wound. Coursing, spilling, seeping, it rushes forth. Undeniable.
Martha was there. The crow wasn’t a crow at all. It was her. Her voice. Her question. Her suggestion, taking root and making the unthinkable happen.
Had I not listened to her, I could have stopped it. I could have pulled my family back from that car. I could have saved us all.
I can see it now. The darkness, even in all its confusion, has illuminated the truth for me.
Bambi and I are not so different after all.
Victims of a twisted, wrong kind of love.
Victims of cruelty. Victims now of Martha’s own agenda.
That’s why there is no getting even. There is only more and more pain if I don’t get out.
“Ben!” I cry out his name, an animal-like wail. “Can you hear me? Ben, I’m so sorry.”
It wasn’t your fault, Nicola. And besides, all is not lost yet.
“You knew?”
I feel him now, his voice a breath on my ear. Of course I knew. I’ve been waiting for you to see it, too.
“How could she do this?”
How? You know how. She wanted what she never had, what you long for now. The light is hers, and she’s not going to give it up.
“I need to save Emmy! I have to get out! I have to stop her!”
There’s only one way to do that.
“Tell me, for God’s sake!” My voice turns sharp and cracks, and suddenly I am speechless.
You know, Nicola. You have always known.
Before I can form a thought and hold onto it, set it free, I tumble back into the darkness—the black casket of my mind—and all the lights go out.