20. A Sticky End #3
“Ew, what did you say?” I toss the phone onto the nearest table.
“Just kidding,” he says. Regardless, I wipe the screen with the sleeve of my overalls.
Trystan crowds up on my right side, and Josh on my left, as I type into the search engine, “How do the characters from Peggy in the Middle die?”
Google swallows the question, and a few moments later the answers are kindly spat out in a handy list.
Trystan gasps. I’m unsure if it’s because of the advancement in technology since he died, or if an answer has caught his eye.
“What is it?” Jeanie says, snapping her attention to us again.
“Oh, nothing. Gary has a lot of . . . uh, unread messages,” Trystan replies.
“We’re checking Gary’s emails,” Josh says. His eyes are too wide, too bulgy for that to be true, but Jeanie doesn’t seem suspicious and turns back to the TV.
“What the fuck?” Josh whispers. Trystan grips my arm.
In the long-running TV show, Peggy in the Middle, the following characters meet their untimely ends in some notable ways:
Drowning. In episode one, series one, the character of George Fitzwilliam is drowned in a bathtub. His body is later dumped off a narrow boat to give the appearance of a canal?based accident.
Pushed down the stairs. This method of death featured twice over the duration of the show.
Once in episode seven when the character of Lisa-Marie was pushed down a flight of stairs in a grand hotel, and once in season four, when Lisa-Marie’s daughter, Dawn-Marie, is pushed down an escalator in a shopping centre.
Buried Alive. One notable death involved the character Frank, who was struck over the head with a lead smoking pipe and then buried alive in the forest.
Deadly overdose. In season two, the character of Camilla was administered a fatal overdose of an unnamed drug. This episode has since been pulled from circulation after concerns that it perpetuates harmful stereotypes.
Poisoned Jam. Lucas Wilde was the only character under the age of eighteen to meet his untimely demise. The character, played by actor Max Thewell, consumed poisoned jam atop an English muffin.
Slipped in a Cave. In the final episode of series one, the character Jonathan Douglas’s body is discovered on a beach.
It is later determined that he slipped inside a cave and was washed out by the tide.
Peggy is instrumental in solving this riddle when she accidentally slips while inspecting the same cave and gives herself a concussion.
Many fans criticised this as a weak ending to the series, as Drusilla’s usual puzzle-solving monologue was cut in favour of “comedic hospital nonsense.”
Chandelier. The season seven finale saw the much?reviled antagonist, Martin “Bigmouth” Hives, finally earn his redemption whilst simultaneously meeting his demise when he saves Drusilla from the path of a falling chandelier.
Hives takes the impact himself, and his character is later pronounced dead, though some fans speculate the character’s return since the body was never shown.
This list goes on, but these examples stick out like a hand made of sore thumbs. There are simply too many similarities to actual events for it to be a coincidence.
Also, what the fuck? I’m the loudmouthed antagonist? Not Stove?
“Peter’s the only one without a comparison,” I whisper. Is that important? He died before Peggy in the Middle aired, so maybe not.
Peter’s head lifts at the mention of his name. He glances over sleepily, but I know it was too quiet for him to hear properly, especially with all the noise and hubbub in the bar.
“Oh my god,” Josh says, also whispering, and I love that I’ve accidentally recruited him into this mission. “Poisoned muffin. It literally says muffin.”
“So, are we looking for a Peggy in the Middle mega fan?” I say, keeping one eye firmly on Jeanie.
Trystan follows my gaze. “Is she that narcissistic?”
“Honestly, probably not,” I say. “But even if she is, who killed her?”
Jeanie spots us glancing over at her, but she smiles. “What are you three boys gossiping about?”
“Uh . . .” I say.
“We’re checking Gary’s emails,” Josh adds.
Jeanie waves us away. “Oh, yuck, emails.”
“Actually, Josh, do you mind if I check them?”
In a way, it’s been nice not having to submit to the grind, but I’ve realised how totally cut off from my old life I am.
Can I even log into my accounts any more?
Turns out, yes. When Swindon Sounds sacked me, they didn’t bother to revoke my access to my employee dashboard.
“Junk, junk, junk, junk,” I say, scrolling through the unread messages.
But there, right at the top, is a message from Barry Prestwich. It must have arrived overnight.
From b.prestwich@
To g.runcorn@
Subject: What the fuck?
Gaz, what the fuck was that?
Take that podcast off the air immediately. This request comes directly from the execs and the police. The fucking police, Gaz!!!!!
It goes without saying that you are forbidden from airing any more episodes using the Unalive on Air name. Should you do so, the station will contact the legal dept.
Best wishes,
Barry.