Chapter Two #2
Putting my hands over my ears, the stress of the whole situation is making my skin crawl, and I close my eyes. “Stop it.” I whisper. “Just stop.”
Kinley pulls my hands down, and I open my eyes. “This isn’t going away, Bre, stop acting like a child. This isn’t Oz; you can’t just close your eyes, tap your shoes together and wish away reality.”
Pulling my hands from hers, I step away. “Just leave me alone. I wish I’d never told you.”
The truth is, I want to keep my baby. But I don’t want to see the disappointment in my dad’s and brother’s eyes when I tell them I’m knocked up at seventeen.
And that the father of my baby ran away.
Every day I hope I’ll hear from him so I can tell them about the baby with reassurance that me and Mato are going to do this together.
How can I defend him when he’s not here? Especially when I’m doubting him myself, which is like a knife through my chest every time I think about it.
The first few weeks of my college classes are stressful, especially since morning sickness has started. My days are full of trying to get to class on time, running to the nearest restroom to vomit, and trying to do homework in between crying jags.
My dorm mate, Stefanie, who is pre-med, is nice, but I’m so miserable that we don’t talk much. I think she knows. How could she not? I’m in the bathroom every half hour, retching.
I still haven’t heard from Mato, my heart is now in two pieces in my chest. Is it even possible to feel numb and feel so much pain simultaneously? I’ll never forgive him for this.
On my birthday, a few weeks later, my phone buzzes at the exact time I was born, and Dad’s number is on my screen. “Hey, Daddy!” I’ve kind of been avoiding him, and I quietly start to cry when I hear his voice.
“Happy birthday, honey.” His gravely, deep voice has always been my safe place, and tears start rolling down my cheeks.
Trying to hide that I’m crying, I clear my throat. “Thanks. How is everyone at home?”
“We’re all good. How are your classes?”
Horrible.
“They’re good; most of it is the crossover from high school stuff, so it’s not so bad yet.” I wipe my hand across my nose that’s started running.
“You sound stuffy, honey, are you getting a cold?”
No, I just miss you and want to come home so you can hug me and tell me everything’s going to be okay.
“I think I might be, I’ll get some cold medicine from the campus store.” I use the hem of my shirt to wipe my nose.
“If you need to go to the doctor or come home for the weekend, call me and I’ll come get you.”
He will. He’ll do anything for any of us, and that makes the tears come even faster. I don’t know how much longer I can hold back the dam, so I take a deep breath. “I will, Daddy, thanks. I’ve got to go, my next class is coming up, and I have to walk across campus.”
“Alright, honey, happy birthday, and I love you.”
“I love you, too. Bye.”
I don’t go to my next class. Instead, I lie on my bed and cry myself to sleep.
It’s dark outside when I wake up, and Stefanie is cross-legged on her bed, head down, reading one of her textbooks as she scribbles notes in her spiral. As the haze of sleep leaves my brain, a pinch in my stomach makes me realize what woke me up. I vaguely remember the one I had a few minutes ago.
She doesn’t look at me when I sit up, but when I look down, there is blood soaked into the crotch of my jeans.
Oh no!
When I stand up, I freeze in place as a gush of blood warms my panties. Stefanie looks up and her face goes slack.
“Holy shit, that’s a lot of blood.” She calmly sets her textbook to the side and stands up. “What do we do?”
Panic is muddling my thinking, and I tear my eyes from the blood that is creeping down the thighs of my jeans and whisper, “I don’t know.”
“How far along are you?” She asks as she steps toward me and takes my hand.
“I don’t know, I haven’t been to a doctor, but I think maybe nine or ten weeks.”
She nods. “I did a report about miscarriage in my advanced biology class in high school, and it’s typical for this to happen, but this seems like a lot of blood. Should I call an ambulance? Or do you want me to take you to urgent care?”
“No! I don’t want a record of this. Will you call my sister?”
She grabs my phone, and I tell her to find Kinley in my favorites, and she taps the button. I hear my sister’s voice before she hands me the phone. “Kinley?”
“Happy birthday, squirt. I was going to call you later.”
“Kinley, I need your help. I think I’m having a miscarriage; there’s so much blood.” My voice is shaking, and I can barely hold the phone.
In the background, there is banging, and then I hear keys jingling. “I’m on my way. It’ll be almost two hours before I get to you, can you hang on? Do you have anyone there with you?”
“Yeah, my roommate is here. What do I do?”
“Go get in a steamy shower and let the hot water beat against your back for ten or fifteen minutes. Do you have any sanitary napkins? Not tampons, pads.”
I look at Stefanie, and she shakes her head. “No, only tampons.”
“Okay, use a hand towel folded up in your underwear after you get out of the shower and lie down. If the bleeding gets worse or you start feeling dizzy, go right to urgent care and call me. I’m on my way.”
I do as Kinley says, and when I lie in my bed to wait for her, all I can think is that my only tether to Mato is broken. He left me to go through all this alone, and now I’m losing our baby.
I hate him.