Chapter Eighteen
brEANNA
TURNING THE nozzle on the hose to jet, I spray the bottom of the muck cart I’ve turned over sideways to wash off the poop. The wind on my back is cold out of the north, and I lift my shoulders a little to block my ears with the collar of my coat. The overcast day is blustery and fits my mood.
It’s been three days since Dad had his heart attack, and since I let my guard down and let Mato comfort me. I’m going to chalk it up to temporary insanity brought on by grief. I was scared to death I would never see my dad again.
What bothers me more than the fact I walked right into his arms is that it felt right.
It was as if the last ten years hadn’t happened, and hugging him was a natural and normal reaction.
When he said, ‘Whatever happens, I’m here’, the temporarily forgotten years slammed into me like a Mack truck, and I pushed him away.
It pisses me off that the familiar feeling of being held by him, and his scent all around me has kept me awake every night.
I almost stomp my foot in anger as I clench my teeth, swinging the hose nozzle wider and faster over the cart and ground in front of me, when I remember him bringing donuts and coffee that morning. It was a sweet gesture. I don’t want sweet gestures from him.
Damn it!
I’ve been visiting my dad at the hospital in the evenings, and since Mato told me he’s been letting Koda do odd jobs at the gym in the evenings for cash, I’m sure I won’t bump into him then. I know how much Dad hates hospital food, so I’ve been taking healthy meals to eat with him while I visit.
God, I thought I’d lost him.
Turning the hose off, I take my frustration out on the cart when I flip it upright and wheel it back into the stable. I’m surprised when I see Marley standing just inside, leaning against the big metal bars across the front of one of the stalls.
She’s smiling, her round belly poking out the front of her burgundy Carhartt jacket. A long braid of blond hair falls over her shoulder to her waist, and her knitted stocking cap is hugging her head. I’m pretty sure our old housekeeper, Opal, knitted her that hat years ago.
“What’d that poor cart ever do to you?” Humor is in her tone, and her blue eyes are shining. “I swear, sometimes I see more and more of Dad and Gray in you.”
Right on cue, I scowl at her as I open the gate Koda fixed last weekend and push the cart inside. “What are you doing here?”
I feel bad for snapping at her, but my mood is just bad enough that I’m looking to pick a fight.
I hate this day.
She pushes off the stall, her smile never faltering. “Well, I thought I would take a break from cranky horses and come get some of the same hostility from my little sister and wish her happy birthday.”
Stopping what I’m doing, I drop my head to look at my boots that are almost due to be resoled. Feeling like a grade-A asshole, I turn to face her. “It’s been a shit week. I’m sorry.”
Stepping up to me, her round belly bumps against my flat one, and her hands cup my face. “I know, but I come in peace with a hot lunch and cocoa.” Her eyes move between mine, nothing but maternal love looking at me. “I want to know what’s going on. I’m not going to let you suffer alone.”
Huffing a heavy sigh, I stare at her for a moment. “Fine, but you get nothing until I see these offerings and I have cocoa in my hand.”
When I was a kid, Marley would make hot cocoa when I was upset about something. She said that our mom always did it for all of them before she died and would want her to do it for me. I’m not too cranky to admit that hot cocoa late at night throughout my childhood is one of my favorite memories.
“Deal.” She takes my hand and leads me to the door of the breezeway. “Follow me.”
In the hallway outside my office, I can smell toasted ham and cheese sandwiches - my favorite. My stomach growls, and I hang my coat on the hook on the wall behind my door.
With a quick check on the five puppies sleeping soundly next to my desk in their heated box, I grab the thermos first and pour myself a steaming hot cup of cocoa.
“Where’d the puppies come from?” Marley asks as she sits in a folding chair next to my desk.
Blowing across the top of my cocoa, I look at the adorable little balls of fur and then back to my sister. “I’m not entirely sure if they were brought to me by fate or karma, it’s yet to be seen.”
Her eyebrows climb up her forehead, and she huffs a laugh. “What’s the difference?”
Taking a bite of one of the still-warm sandwiches with butter-toasted sourdough bread, my taste buds give a standing ovation in my mouth, and I loudly hum while I chew.
“Mmm, my favorite.” Wiping my mouth with the paper towels sitting on my desk, I wait until I swallow my bite.
“I guess I always think of fate as something good, kind of like a reward. But karma is always brought into the mix when revenge is involved in some form or fashion, you know, like a punishment.” I shrug my shoulders and take another bite.
“That’s fair, I guess I just kind of never thought about it like that.” She flinches and slides her hand over her belly. “He’s really active today. Come here.”
Leaning closer to her, I hold my hand out, and she places my palm over the part of her belly she was just holding. A foot or a fist pushes against Marley’s tight belly against my palm, making me smile, and I hold my hand still to feel it again.
“It’s highly unlikely you’ll ever carry to term.”
My nose stings, and tears fill my eyes.
“Hey. What’s happening?” Marley leans closer and cups my chin in her palm, making me look up at her.
I’ve never told anyone what the doctor told me that day. That one piece of information is a heartless thief that cuts deep and shames me in equal parts, and has for years. And I never shared it with anyone.
To be honest, I’ve been able to push it to the back of my mind for the most part - until Mato came back to town. When I first found out that having children was outside my reach, the devastated part of me mourned the baby I lost even more. Mato’s baby.
Now, it’s weighing on me more than it ever has, and I need to get some of it off my chest.
“I can’t have children.” Saying it out loud makes it more real, and I take a slow, deep breath.
Marley gasps, her mouth hangs open, and her eyebrows dip down over her nose. “Who says?”
Slumping back in my chair, I suddenly feel tired. “The doctor who saw me after I had a miscarriage ten years ago. It was Mato’s baby.”
She’s silent as her eyes volley between mine.
Confusion, anger, and sorrow move across her face, the only movement in the room is our chests rising and falling as she takes in the information.
“I suspected there was something between you, but when he left to enlist and you left for college, at almost the same time, I assumed you were just behaving like friends who grew up together.”
I watch as her eyes focus on the wall behind me and her mind thumbs through her memories. Her eyes narrow, and her gaze slides back to me as her head tilts in anger. “Did he take advantage of you?”
Marley was raped by a classmate at her senior prom, it messed her up pretty bad for a long time. Her tolerance for any kind of asshole behavior in a man is nil, and I can see she’s already making a plan to make him suffer, a plan that includes my brothers.
Shaking my head, I lean forward to set my elbows on my knees and take her hands. “No, he would never do anything like that.”
She’s quiet again, her eyes flicking all over my face. Marley may be all soft, warm maternal edges, but she turns mama bear in the blink of an eye. Her face turns to granite, and anger swirls in her eyes. “He left you pregnant?”
I shake my head. “He didn’t know I was pregnant when he left. I didn’t know either. I found out a couple of weeks after he was gone.”
She pulls her hands from mine and shakes her head as she holds her palms up in surrender. “Wait. You went to college pregnant?” She sucks in a breath, and her hand flattens against her chest. “Jesus, Breanna! You had a miscarriage while away at college? Alone?”
This is the part I dread telling her because I know it will hurt her feelings. Clearing my throat, I shake my head and wince. “Kinley was with me.”
Leaning away from me, her back straightens and hurt fills her eyes. “You both kept it from me?”
Feeling like shit, I lean toward her and put my hands on her knees.
“Not like you think, Marley, I swear. Kinley was suspicious, and she kind of cornered me and threatened me. I didn’t plan to tell anyone because I was so scared at the time and I didn’t want all of you to be disappointed in me.
And I wanted to make the decision to keep the baby or not on my own.
I asked her not to say anything, I’m sorry. ”
A soft tap on my office door pulls both our heads in that direction. Ricky’s head is poking in. “I’m sorry to disturb, but there is a man in front asking to speak with you.”
Hiding my irritation, I ask, “Is it something you can take care of?”
Shaking his head, he pushes the door open further so he can step partway in, keeping his voice low. “He’s not here about an animal, he says it about the house. He’s also giving off major douche vibes.”
Marley and I exchange glances, and I stand up. When I push through the door that separates the waiting area from the back, I’m surprised to see Jacob Neil standing in my waiting room.
He’s next to one of the windows with his thumbs hooked in his pockets, looking toward the house down the hill. When he hears me open the door, he turns to face me, and I see anger etched on his face.
I step up to the counter as he steps up to the other side, like a standoff. “What can I do for you, Mr. Neil?”
“I saw you went with an out-of-town contractor. The permit to do the test came through yesterday morning.”
I’m surprised he even knows about that. Wouldn’t he have to be watching for the permit to know? “I’m pretty sure I have the right to get a second opinion.”
His eyes drift over my shoulder, and I turn to see Marley standing at the door with Ricky behind her, before they flick back to me. “It was brought to my attention that my office is mentioned with the assertion that I provided you with a false recommendation.”
Not knowing how any of that works, or why his name would even be mentioned by another contractor, I’m not sure what to say.
He points his finger at me. “How do you think that’s going to affect my business? My livelihood? You think you can slander me and get away with it?”
Standing my ground, I square my shoulders. “I didn’t slander you; I only told them I needed a second opinion based on what you told me. You can twist it however you want, but I’m pretty sure you lied to me.”
He looks at the audience behind me again before his eyes burn into me. He leans farther over the counter so they can’t hear him. “Careful, Ms. Harlow.”
I stand on my tip-toes to lean even closer, my head tipped back. “Are you threatening me?”
His lips tip in a half-smirk, half-snarl. “You gonna tell your dad? Or maybe call your reservation watchdog?”
Heat climbs under my skin, flooding my chest and spreading up the back of my head. Curling my fingers into my palms, I try to hide that his slur against Mato bothers me, but my cheeks flush with my anger.
The smug change in his expression tells me he knows his comment hit its mark, and he’s enjoying it.
Taking a calming breath, our eyes locked over the counter, I let my disgust for him show on my face. “You know, for a grown man, you still act like a playground bully. It makes sense that you would bring Mato into this since he made you feel like the failure you are for so many years.”
His face is flushed now, and a little vein next to his eye is pulsing under the skin.
I got to him. Ha! How do ya like me now?
But that’s probably not a good thing. We stare at each other for several long moments, and he’s the first to back down, his upper lip curling as he takes a step away, knocking his knuckles on the counter.
“You have a good day, Ms. Harlow.”
My heart is still knocking against my sternum, and when the door closes behind him, I curl my fingers around the edge of the counter to stop my knees from buckling and suck in a deep breath.
Damn it.
“What the hell was that about?” Marley asks from behind me.
Blowing out my cheeks on an exhale, my shoulders fall as I turn to her; she’s got her phone in her hand ready to call her husband. “That’s the contractor I told you about.”
Her eyebrows climb up her forehead as she points to the door. “That’s the asshole?”
“Yep.” I pop the P as I nod.
She puts her hands on her hips. “Well, I’m telling Mason and Gray.”
“No! Don’t say anything. Everyone is already stressed out over Daddy, I don’t want to add to it with a stupid bully.”
Her lips press into a thin line as she stares at me, trying to decide if she’ll do as I ask. After several long moments, she puts her hands on my shoulders. “Promise me that if he comes back and makes more trouble, you’ll let them know.”
“I promise.” I lie.