Chapter 28
Titus
Idon’t think I can jack off anymore. Physically, I’m not sure my body can handle it. I’ll be the one passing out from dehydration, and I’m not confident in Mariah’s ability to pick me up off the floor.
But the alternative is walking around my house with a constant hard-on, and that’s not going to happen.
Sleeping beside her every night, waking up to the sweet press of her ass against my dick, is testing my willpower in a way nothing else has.
More times than I can count, I’ve been on the edge of peeling her pajama pants off so I can sink into her body.
And that would be wrong. I’ve pushed shit farther than I should as it is. No way will I push this. When Mariah’s ready to take that step, she’ll let me know. I just have to be patient.
And hope she doesn’t start noticing my showers take a hell of a lot longer than they should.
“Are you almost ready?” Mariah comes into my room, looking fucking gorgeous.
She normally wears her hair up around the house, but today she's left it down, the long, blonde waves tumbling past her shoulders. She’s dressed in one of the cute matching shirt and pant sets that has enough stretch she’ll likely be able to wear it most of her pregnancy.
And I can’t help but imagine what it will look like.
How she’ll look with a rounded belly. How she’ll react to feeling the first flutters of movement.
What she’ll want the baby’s room to look like.
If she’ll want to find out if it’s a boy or a girl.
I swallow hard, the twinge of guilt pinching my gut. It’s not sharp or painful, but it’s still there. And maybe it always will be.
I’m not betraying Kara. I know that. She wouldn’t have wanted me to lock myself away like I did. Deep down I know she’d be happy I’m starting to live again. She’d be happy Mariah found me. I’ve just got to figure out how to let go of the guilt I’m carrying for feeling the same way.
“I’m ready.” I move closer to where Mariah stands, looping an arm around her waist and pulling her close. “You sure you don’t mind coming with me?” I want to believe I could do this on my own, but based on the last time I was at the office, I’d be wrong.
“Do I mind getting out of the house for the first time in weeks?” Mariah gives me a grin.
“Not at all.” Her expression softens, smile dimming the slightest bit.
“What about you? We don’t have to do this.
You can keep working exclusively from home the way you always have and everyone will just have to deal with it. ”
I know this. I know I can stay here and continue on the same way I’ve been going. My team has been just fine only having access to me digitally. But Mariah can’t live the way I have. It’s not fair. She deserves to enjoy the world and experience any and everything she wants. I would never stop her.
But I also can’t stomach the idea of her doing it without me. Of Mariah being somewhere and having a dizzy episode. Or worse, her passing out and me not being there to take care of her.
So I’ve got to get over myself. Suck it up and face my fears. Coming into the office is a great—and relatively tolerable—way to get the ball rolling.
Hopefully I can find a way to branch out.
“I’m going to be just fine.” I manage to offer a smile back even though my insides are already twisting up. “Promise.”
I will find a way to be fine. Figure out how to rejoin the world. I have to. Even once Mariah has the baby, I can’t imagine not wanting to join them at least part of the time. I can’t imagine wanting to stay behind while they move forward without me.
I manage to keep the worst of my anxiety at bay as I load Mariah into my new car, buckle her in—being careful not to make the belt too tight across her belly—and drive us to the office.
We waited until later in the morning to leave, giving Mariah’s stomach time to settle, so everyone is already inside the building when we park.
It gives my own stomach additional time to form a knot as we cross to the entrance.
Mariah’s hand stays tucked tightly in mine as she greets the receptionist at the main desk.
Without Trevor to escort us inside, I’m forced to remember the way.
It’s a blessing in disguise, because instead of worrying about what everyone’s thinking when they see me, I’m worrying about making sure I don’t drag Mariah all over the campus.
Thankfully, I manage to get us to the large room housing my team without getting turned around, and we’re stepping inside right on time.
We’re still the last to arrive, so every set of eyes in the room locks onto us as we walk in.
Mariah grips my hand tighter, stepping partway in front of me like her small body can shield me from their stares.
The tip of her chin lifts, eyes narrowing as they snap from person to person, glaring until I’m no longer the center of everyone’s attention.
Trevor watches the whole thing from where he stands at the front of the room.
One brow angles at me as I lead Mariah toward him.
I know what he’s questioning, but I’m not interested in giving him any answers.
Not that I have any. I don’t know what Mariah and I are.
I don’t know exactly how she feels about me.
And I’m not going to put her on the spot by asking.
So, like the physical aspect of our situation, the ball that will label our emotional connection sits firmly in her court.
My brother has already pulled a chair up for Mariah to sit in, so I get her situated close beside me before taking a deep breath and starting the first in-person meeting of my career.
It goes smoother than I expect. I manage not to trip over my words or spiral into the same kind of panic that sent me racing out the doors with Mariah in my arms last time. By the time the meeting is over I’m feeling… Calm.
Maybe not comfortable, but there’s no panic gnawing a hole in my gut, so a definite improvement from where I was before.
As my team disbands, returning to their cubicles and offices, Trevor pats me on the back. “Good job, big brother. Now maybe everyone will talk about what a great meeting you run instead of the way you carried Mariah out of here last time.”
My eyes dart from Mariah to the staff filtering back to their desks. “If they think it was unprofessional of me, they can all kiss my—”
“Unprofessional isn’t the word they’ve been throwing around.” Trevor grimaces. “The descriptor I’ve heard used most is swoony.” He looks like he ate something bitter. “Whatever the fuck that means.”
“Swoony?” I’m sort of at a loss myself. “Is that even a word?”
“Who the fuck knows?” Trevor looks me over, irritation pinching his brow. “All I know is every fucking woman in here looks at me like I’m a fucking slab of beef they can’t wait to sink their teeth into.” He points a finger at my face. “And it’s your goddamn fault.”
“I find that real hard to believe.” I might not have worked in the office, but that doesn’t mean I’m not familiar with my brother's reputation. “I’d say it’s more likely all the women around here look at you like they want to put you on a slab.”
“That’s how it used to be.” Trevor rakes a hand through his dark hair. “But now, you went and made them think you’re some sort of fucking Prince Charming and they’re under the impression it runs in the family.”
That has my brows lifting and my mind moving back over the past hour. I thought the whispers and stares aimed at me were for the same reason they always are. But now that I’m armed with this new information, it did seem kind of weird how smiley all the women on my team were.
“I guess you’ll just have to run off a few more assistants so they understand you're definitely not ever going to be anyone’s Prince Charming.
” I give my brother a grin, probably enjoying his suffering a little too much.
“Until then, you’re just going to have to deal with people not hating you as much as normal. ”
“I don’t give a shit if people hate me. I just need them to do what I tell them to.” He scrubs a hand over his face. “And I’d fucking prefer it if they did it without looking at me like I’m about to make all their dreams come true.”
That makes me laugh, a chuckle reverberating through my chest as I try to stifle it. “I don’t think any woman looks at you like you’re about to make all her dreams come true.” I tip my head, considering. “Just the expensive ones.”
Trevor is the flashiest of my brothers. Where the rest of us are happy in jeans and T-shirts or flannels, he has always appreciated a well-cut suit and shiny shoes.
He drives a sleek sports car and owns more watches than one man should.
No one has to question his financial situation, and that sort of security can make even someone as pissy as him appealing.
“I’m not making those come true either.” Trevor glances at where Mariah sits, scrolling through her phone. “I’ll leave the dream fulfilling to you.”
It would be easiest to blow him off. Act like he’s reading the situation wrong.
Try to make him think there’s nothing happening between me and Mariah.
But I think that ship sailed when I scooped her up and carried her out of here in front of half the company, so I just shrug. “Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.”
It’s been so long since I’ve been in any sort of a relationship.
I’m also a much different person now than I was when Kara and I were together.
I’ve never doubted my ability to engage in intellectual conversation and provide financial support.
But I did harbor doubts that I’d be capable of providing emotional support and connection.
It turns out providing isn’t ever going to be something I struggle with.
In any capacity. I want to give Mariah everything.
If she needs it, I’ll make it happen. If she wants it, it’s hers.
Whether it's pots and pans or someone to sit with on the couch while she watches television in the evening. Half the grocery store or a hand to hold during a doctor’s visit, there is no limit to what I will offer her. Or the baby.
I want to take care of them both. I want to keep them safe. I want to make them feel protected and appreciated.
I want them to be mine.
“I don’t have time to be somebody’s fairy fucking godmother.” Trevor sounds annoyed at the thought of someone relying on him. It makes me a little sad that he might never know how good it can feel to give to the people you care about.
“I guess that’s good. You would look dumb as hell covered in sparkles, carrying a wand.” I turn to Mariah, reaching out a hand. “You ready to go?”
She gives me a bright smile, the warmth of it lighting up the whole fucking world. “Yup.”
When her hand tucks into mine, everything feels better. Easier. Right.
I give my brother a wink as I lead her out. “See you next week, Prince Charming.”
“Don’t make me kick your ass in front of everybody to prove I’m a fucking villain,” Trevor grumbles as he follows us out.
“Pretty sure everybody already knows.” I grin. “But some women love a villain.”
“I sure fucking hope not.” Trevor gives me a little shove as he turns down the hall toward his office. “I’ll see you at dinner.”
As we walk out into the parking lot, Mariah angles a brow at me. “He is really against being in a relationship, isn’t he?”
“Trevor’s against a lot of things.” Days off. PTO. Vacations. Lunch breaks. Running shoes outside of the gym. Pets. Cheap skin care. “Caramel cake is definitely one of them.”
Mariah cackles beside me, the sound light and easy as her head tips to rest against my shoulder. “You probably should have played it a little cooler with the caramel cake, because now I know exactly how to get whatever I want out of you.”
I really fucking wish she’d get everything she wanted out of me. Because I’m dying to give it to her. Twice. In a row. No recovery time required.
“I have news for you.” I open her door, unashamed by what I am about to confess.
“It doesn’t take a caramel cake to get what you want out of me.
” Once she’s in the seat, I lean in, lowering my voice.
“I will give you anything you want.” I hold her eyes, hoping she hears what I’m saying. “All you have to do is ask.”
Her cheeks pink up a little bit, eyes dipping to my mouth before coming back to meet mine. “Okay.”
I linger for a second, hoping against hope she might sweetly ask me to take her back inside, kick Trevor out of his office, and fuck her across his desk.
Is it the ideal way to have her for the first time?
Kinda. It would drive him absolutely fucking nuts, and definitely have the staff even more interested in him than they already are. Plus, once Mariah initiates that step, I can take all the ones after it myself without feeling bad about it.
And once that happens, I intend to take off running.
When she doesn’t request that I service her immediately, I kiss her on the forehead, buckle her in, and drive her home.
Once we’re there, I make her tea, situate her on the couch, and go upstairs so I can jerk off.
Again.