Chapter 20 The Toxic Ex-Boyfriend Trope #2
“And it’s not like you’re just online talking about the weather. I watched you nearly burn down the house.” He looked around the living room, probably for signs of smoke damage. “That’s when I got in the car.”
“Vlad.” I said his name deliberately to stop his diatribe against social media. “This is exactly why I don’t talk to you. Heaven and I aren’t going to live like it’s 1500 because 1500 wasn’t that great.”
“I just want you to be safe.” After a moment of silence, he said, “Let’s talk about it tomorrow.
I brought my best bottle of vintage blood for us, 100 percent virgin.
Bottled in Utah.” Looking at Heaven, he lamented, “I tried to get Tiffenie to move to Utah with me. Cold mountain air, virgins everywhere.”
I stormed over to the door and grabbed the bottle of blood waiting there. “Thanks, but no thanks, Vlad.” I uttered his name like a curse.
Vlad looked at Heaven. “My apologies for not bringing a virgin in the flesh, a consenting one, of course,” he said, with a nod to me as if that solved all of my issues. “When I turned Tiffenie, I had a bevy of virgins for her to feast on.” He smiled fondly at me, and at the memory.
Heaven ignored me and eyed the bottle. She was practically drooling. “I’m game, if it’s ethically sourced? No one got murdered or anything, right?”
“Of course not! The parliament runs a clinic near each major coven. People donate, get a Band-Aid and a monster cookie. Everyone’s happy and fed. No one gets hurt.” He made eye contact with me as he said this.
“We’re vegans.” I pushed the bottle back toward him. I would not trade my principles for a few comforts.
Vlad covered his face with a hand. “And you call me insufferable.”
“Vlad, stop. We don’t drink blood in this house anymore and we definitely don’t worry about whether someone is a virgin.”
He looked aghast. “No wonder you’re so pale and drawn.”
“Virginity is a social construct. It’s very harmful to women.”
“Tiffenie, this isn’t about gender. It’s about flavor.”
“What flavor is that?” Heaven snickered. “Cherry?”
I swiveled my head in shock and exclaimed, “Heaven! This is not funny.” To Vlad I said, “It’s just about keeping women ‘pure’ for men, and keeping women from experiencing joy or pleasure. Fuck that.” I heard someone say that on TikTok and it really resonated.
“You say that as if I don’t enjoy male virgins. I assure you, I can taste the chastity.”
With the attitude of a diner waitress at the end of the night, I stomped into the kitchen and came back with a glass of coconut water, staring into his eyes and daring him to say something.
His jaw dropped. “You’re kidding.”
I didn’t respond.
“Is this even safe to consume?” He picked up the cup and swirled it, staring into the cloudy liquid like it was poison.
“I feel great,” I said. To be honest, I wasn’t sure if it was doing the trick, but I wasn’t going to tell him that.
Cat did an exaggerated model walk all the way to Vlad and then flopped over with a plop at his feet.
“Cat,” I admonished, “have some self-respect!”
Vlad scooped her up and cuddled her like a baby, rubbing her belly. “No need to be ashamed about asking for protection and love.”
I inspected my fingernails.
He arched an eyebrow and looked my direction. “Do you want me to rub your belly next?”
“Absolutely not.”
“Tiffenie. This is dire. Quaint small towns are not for vampires. Burning Bibles and posting it online—you are going to cause a stir if you haven’t already.
People will start talking. ‘Tiffany seems so different these days.’ ‘She used to be such a nice girl.’ ‘What was she burning?’ ‘Why does she sleep all day?’ You are not being careful. ”
Had being careful made me happy? Had I been really living in LA?
Or had I just been hiding, working in a job that was only good because of access to blood, living in a too-sunny studio apartment that provided shelter but not much else?
In Vermont I’d seen stars and flirted with a hot farmer.
Tonight, I’d gone out with women who could be friends.
“The world is different these days, Vlad. Everyone is more accepting. Sexuality, gender…You can be whoever you want. Women can have credit cards and own property, in case you haven’t kept up with the news.”
“You know very well that it’s dangerous for people to be who they are, even if parts of the world are becoming more progressive.”
“Vlad, I’m not going to live in the shadows anymore. I have a hot chocolate date with a Chrithmas tree farmer tomorrow night, I’m making friends, and I’m fixing up a country inn.”
His eyes narrowed and he looked at me like I had just betrayed him. “A date?”
“Yes. With a Chrithmas tree farmer.” I stared him down, daring him to say something.
“We can’t even say Chrithmas. Isn’t that a sign?”
Heaven was still drooling at the bottle of blood, so I handed her another coconut water.
“This is worse than I thought,” Vlad said. “You absolutely need to get out of this town. The first rule of being a vampire is don’t talk about being a vampire.”
Heaven perked up. “Like Fight Club?”
“Exactly,” Vlad said. “See, Heaven gets it already. I bet you didn’t even tell her not to post.”
“Of course not!” I wasn’t going to wreck her job on top of everything else.
“What happens if you tell someone about Fight Club?” Heaven asked.
Vlad rocked back on his heels. “If the leak can be solved with a minimal amount of glamouring, they’ll do that.”
I scoffed, and Vlad said, “It’s not the old days, Tiffenie. Extreme risks are moved to Utah to join the Provo coven. But there would be a hearing first, of course.”
“Hell no,” Heaven said.
I put my foot down. “We’re staying here and we’re going to run a bed-and-breakfast and Heaven is going to post as many TikToks as she wants. I’m more than three hundred years old, Vlad. I’ve earned the right to live the life I want. Who am I hurting?”
“Yourself!”
I rose to my full height, which was about a foot less than his, and looked into his eyes in a direct challenge. “I don’t care.”
“Well, I do, and I’m bigger than you.”
I laughed in his face.
At that, he lifted me up, tossed me over his shoulder, and proceeded to carry me out of the house.
I pounded on his back and thrashed my legs. “You can’t be serious! Put me down!”
Heaven stared at us, open-mouthed, a crystal clutched in her hand. “Tiff, you okay? Should I…call someone?”
I went limp, defeated. “It’s fine. We do this.”
“Really?”
“If she would listen,” he said through gritted teeth, “I wouldn’t have to carry her off.”
“What happened to that MasterClass on relationships?” I yelled, and he grumbled. “What are you going to do, carry Heaven out too?”
“Um, no thanks, I’m good,” Heaven said.
“I will, if you continue to post,” he said.
“It’s my job, new guy,” Heaven said, hands on hips.
Vlad turned to her. “But is it really?” Now outside, he opened the door to his car with one hand and shoved me into the passenger seat.
“Ouch,” I said as he bumped my head on the car frame on my way in.
“Sorry.” He smoothed the hair on top of my head. “Stay here,” he commanded as he walked around to the driver’s side. When I gave him a hard stare, he added, “Please.”
“You can’t just manhandle me into submitting to whatever you desire.”
A spark of a different kind flickered in his eye and my cheeks heated as I remembered him doing exactly that in the bedroom.
From the porch, Heaven casually called, “I think you’ll have to use the trunk. She’s gonna make a break for it.”
“Stop it!” I yelled at her. “Unless you want to help me put him in the trunk.”
“It’s just kind of nice watching you get kidnapped, for once.”
“Oh, stop!”
She shrugged. “Plus, you two are cute.”
“You’re kidding!” I blew my hair out of my face.
Smoldering with intensity, Vlad said, “No, she is dead serious. We are very cute and always have been.” He held up his hand. “Stay here.”
“No.”
With a sigh, he said, “Fine, the trunk it is.”
If Vlad hauled me off, Heaven would be left in Vermont with nothing but a couple of crates of coconut water and no skills. I relented. “How about we continue this conversation tomorrow? Right now, just go to your hotel.”
He scoffed. “I agree to continuing the conversation, but I’m not staying at a hotel.”
“No,” I said. “You’re going to get in the way.”
“No, I won’t.”
“What about my date tomorrow?” I narrowed my gaze.
“Why should I care if you go on one date with a mortal? I’m not the jealous type. You, on the other hand.” He gave me a knowing look. “At any rate, where would I stay without exposing myself? It’s either your place or I sleep in the car. I’ll even pay.”
“Deal,” Heaven interrupted. “It’ll be $300 a night.”
I turned to look over my shoulder at Heaven standing on the lawn, grinning. “What? We need the money.”