Chapter 23 The Baby Makes Three Trope
Vlad found me sitting in crash position with my head between my knees on the stairs. I wasn’t crashing a car, but rather my hopes and dreams.
Just a couple of hours ago, Wayne Jarvis whisper-yelled that he was going to tear my piece-of-shit house down as soon as he could while two people taped a seeping neck wound shut. Heaven was crying in her bed, inconsolable about the whole thing.
It was all so much.
Vlad sat down next to me. For once I let myself lean into him and he rubbed slow, soothing circles across my back.
“I’m sorry I locked you in your coffin,” I said softly. “That was just to get back at you for threatening to throw me in the trunk. Plus, were you really going to be nice to my date?”
“No, but I could have helped with the inspector.”
“By finishing him off?” I laughed at the absurdity.
All of our disagreements lurked just below the surface. Instead of bringing them out, we sat in silence.
“It’s the coconut water,” he said in a careful voice. “She’s too thirsty.”
“She’s brand-new. Uncontrolled appetites are to be expected.” But he was right. More time had passed than I had realized. “How long does this bloodlust last?”
“On coconut water, who knows?”
My mouth watered at the smell of his “ethically sourced” virgin blood, but I wasn’t ready to give up my vegan dreams.
There were so many rules. Mortals who receive the Dark Gift must be beautiful.
No vampire may ever reveal his true nature.
No vampire may reveal his location. Let the money come to me.
Every day is your birthday. The electricity must be up to code.
Don’t let your porch rot off. Pay your taxes.
Get your property into compliance by December 31 or we’ll take a wrecking ball to your brand-new house.
Learn how to make friends, because that’s apparently your real problem.
Adulting was a lot.
Vlad cut through my spiral with planning. “Let’s go to Home Depot and get supplies. The inspector was right about all those problems. We really do need to fix this place.”
“We?” I asked. “I thought you were here to drag me away?”
“I was never planning on dragging you off. It went sideways when we started arguing about the internet and virgins.” He shook his head. “I hate to say it, but that blood is only twenty percent virgin and resulted in zero deaths. Vampires aren’t what we used to be.”
I laughed. “Why does every argument spiral like that?”
“That MasterClass said—” he started to say.
“Wait, you really did one of those?”
“Yes. Esther Perel said that every couple’s fights are set by the second date, and it’s true. Three hundred years of you being worried I’ll murder someone, which I’ve never actually done, not for you anyway.”
“You could have prevented Alba’s—”
“I’m sorry that I didn’t.” He pulled me closer. “But I came here because I was worried, because I wanted to be here for you.” He tilted my chin up and looked into my eyes. “I should have asked what you needed. I think Esther said something about that, too.”
“To be fair, I would have told you to stay away and that I didn’t need anything.” But having him here made me feel so much less alone.
He nuzzled the top of my head. “I like the smell of your new shampoo,” he said. “I liked your old brand, too. What was it, Herbal Essences?”
I pressed my cheek to his.
“I’m sorry for hauling you out over my shoulder.” The rumble of his voice soothed me as much as his words. “I missed you, Tiffenie. That’s why I came.”
I missed him too.
Instead of waiting for me to say it, he stood up and clapped. “So, Home Depot. You ready?”
I cupped my hands and yelled up the stairs, “Heaven, get in the car, we’re going for a ride.”
“I don’t want to,” she yelled back.
Vlad shouted, “Getting out of the house will help. You’ve been cooped up for too long, and there are some very nice trees in the area.”
Trees. I shook my head. This guy.
After passing approximately three million trees, we arrived in Burlington. The Home Depot parking lot was nearly empty. There was nothing to see except a lone shopping cart left under a parking light and a Taco Bell drive-through across the street.
“Wait here,” Vlad commanded Heaven.
“Okay, Dad.” Heaven leaned into the Dad sarcastically.
“Actually, it’s Grandpa,” I said.
“Grandsire, if we’re being technical,” Vlad corrected. “And if you two would accept your position in the parliament, you know you’re royal.”
“What, am I a princess now, Tiff?” Heaven said sarcastically.
I laughed, but Vlad answered, “You’re both princesses. It’s all about who turns you, Heaven.”
Before we left, I knocked on the window and said, “Lock the doors. Safety first.”
Heaven rolled her eyes and popped her AirPods in.
Vlad and I made it into Home Depot about thirty seconds before it closed.
The moment we walked in, I could feel how out of place we were.
Vampires don’t do home repairs, but here we were, essentially Neo and Trinity from The Matrix making a run at domesticity.
Our mission: to purchase some composite decking.
A banner over the door announced, Find your Santa’s choice christmas tree here! Smells like cinnamon and lasts three times as Long as any other cut tree.
Wow, Tyrone had really made it. That Home Depot money must be good.
After we found the decking and placed an order, we wandered through the clearance aisle, which was ninety percent Halloween decorations. There were several large inflatables for front-yard display: a dragon, a ghost, and a vampire.
We stopped and stared at the vampire. Slicked-back hair, pale skin, fangs, a cloak. It wasn’t entirely wrong, but it wasn’t right either.
“I don’t know how to feel,” I said.
Vlad ran his fingers through his hair. “Maybe I should get some pomade. I haven’t done my hair in the classic Dracula for a while.”
I tugged his hand back down and gave it a squeeze. “I like it how it is.” The curls had grown out a bit, making him look more relaxed than he actually was. It was nice.
A guy in an orange apron approached us as we stared at the vampire. He had written Tim in Sharpie on his apron. “You want me to package him up for you?”
“No, thanks. We’re looking for something to get rid of bats?” I asked this supposed Tim.
“Ummm…We’ve got bat repellent.”
Tim schlepped to another aisle in his dirty jeans and end-of-the-day attitude while we Matrixed our way behind him. To my delight, he handed me a box that read Bat magic. This felt like the elixir I’d always needed, rather than a bat extermination tool.
Vlad scoffed when he read the label.
“Don’t laugh,” I said. “It might work.”
“It won’t,” he said.
Inspiration struck and I asked, “But while I’m here, how about coyote repellent?” Not that I needed to repel a coyote I’d made up, but still, I could make a show for Mr. Jarvis’s benefit.
“Coyote repellent?” Tim laughed. “That’d be a shotgun. Try Cabela’s.”
I backed away a step, stumbling into a display of duct tape. One package fell and rolled across the floor slowly.
Vlad flashed a confused look in my direction. “I don’t think we have a coyote, darling.”
“We don’t,” I said. At that moment, I was glad we didn’t. At least I wouldn’t have to “repel” any coyotes.
I clutched the box of Bat Magic and told Tim, “Thank you, I think we have what we need.”
He pointed us toward the self-checkout lane.
Vlad looked at the self-checkout with skepticism. “Would you check us out?” Vlad and I were too old for self-checkout.
“I guess,” Tim said and ushered us to the only open lane.
As we headed back to the car, I started feeling hopeful again. I looked from Vlad, who was navigating around potholes in the parking lot. Heaven leapt out of the car to greet us.
Between the three of us, we might really fix up the house before the end of the year. All we needed was a little vampire magic.