Chapter 39 The Grand Gesture That Didn’t Work Trope
Tiffenie!” I woke up to Vlad knocking on my coffin. “Are you in there?” His voice sounded distant on the other side of the lid. If I shut my eyes I could imagine he was very far away. I was deep underground, dead for real, done playing at life.
I shut my eyes, but he kept on. “Vlad, I would like to sleep in.”
He cracked open the lid. He didn’t look contrite, more like Cat after horking up a hairball.
“You’re mad?” he asked.
I sat up. “Of course I’m mad.” Now that I was awake, I could see that it was fully dark outside. “What time is it?”
“Late. Everyone else has been up for hours.”
The thing about sleeping in a coffin is that it completely fucks up your sleep/wake cycles. I mean, they’re designed for the dead. If you’re going to sleep in one, you need a familiar to wake you up. I’d forgotten that part. Also, they’re not that comfortable—no mattress and tiny pillows.
“Who’s here?” I said.
“Heaven and your therapist.”
“Where’s Tyrone?” I asked. “Is he okay?”
“Of course he is.” Vlad looked insulted. “I’m not a monster, Tiffenie.”
Then why had he outbid me? Why did he take Tyrone home? At the very least, he was a jealous monster.
Even hundreds of years into this existence, stepping out of a coffin felt like too much.
Like wearing a cape to the grocery store, or pure white foundation and too much dark eye makeup in high school.
Everything associated with vampires was too much, which was the core of my problem.
There was no fitting in. I was too much.
As practical as he believed himself to be, Vlad was even more than me.
Okay, the No Fear shirt was kind of extra too.
At the sight of my shirt, Vlad, his voice dry as toast, said, “I don’t know if you need to resurrect that trend.” He gave me a hand out of the coffin.
“That’s too bad. There are enough of them for you and Heaven too. Jeff, I’m assuming, had a collection.”
“I want to talk about last night.” Vlad squeezed my hand. “Do you understand why I did what I did last night?”
“Is Tyrone your boyfriend now?” I said sarcastically.
“Relax, nothing happened. We drank a bottle of whiskey and watched Twilight.”
I laughed. “You’re both leaving me for Robert Pattinson then. I understand.”
“Do you know why I bid on your boyfriend?” he asked again, sitting on Tiffany’s daybed and inviting me to do the same.
I refused and leaned against the coffin with my arms crossed over my chest awkwardly. The coffin slid backward and I somehow slipped and lost my footing. Vlad kept his face impassive while I floundered about.
“Tiffenie, the man is being blackmailed. You should’ve been trying to figure out why, not plotting to go on a tropical vacation and get his money back. If you refuse to protect yourself, I will step in. That’s what I did last night.”
I shrugged as if I didn’t give a damn. “Stop protecting me from other dudes, Vlad. I’m a vampire.
I can protect my own damn self from creeps, and Tyrone isn’t one, anyway.
Instead, try making me feel safe around you emotionally.
” I’d caught Vlad watching a MasterClass saying something to that effect and it resonated.
Vlad blanched, probably because I’d just called him on something real.
“You’re right,” he said, standing up from the bed and walking toward me. “I can do better, Tiffenie. I love you.”
I arched a brow. He wasn’t going to get out of the doghouse with one throwaway “I love you.”
“I can’t watch you go on dates and snuggle with Santa Claus when I have been deprived of your company for twenty-five years. I miss you.” He sounded sincere, almost broken up about it.
But did I care, especially after his bachelor auction shenanigans?
He put his arms around me, pinning me against the coffin. My body responded to his nearness, as if it hadn’t gotten the memo that I was mad.
“I was just jealous.”
I could feel the tug of a smile in my cheeks. Why couldn’t I stay mad at him?
“I’ve missed you too,” I confessed. But I slipped from his arms and walked toward the door.
No one in the world knew me better than Vlad. We had lived through hundreds of years, through hopes, dreams, failures, and a lot of mediocre TV. Step by Step, Fuller House, all of the Law and Orders, two world wars, and all of the other history that didn’t make it into the books.
He caught my hand before I could leave. “I don’t want to go another twenty-five years without you.”
Tears came to my eyes. I understood. “I don’t know what I want at the moment,” I said. “I need a little space to breathe.” I laughed shakily. “Not that I can breathe.”
“I spent ten thousand dollars to make sure you’re mine, Tiffenie.” All of his intensity was focused on me.
Spending ten grand so I didn’t get a special date with Santa was such a dumb grand gesture. It missed the mark, just like us.
“I do love you, Vlad, but that’s not the grand gesture I need. You haven’t changed anything in three hundred years, and I can’t live in the Dark Ages. You can’t just buy your woman.”
I gave him a kiss on the cheek and turned to leave for real.
He gripped me firmly, pulling me in for an embrace. “I am changing.”
I pushed him away gently. “I know you think so, but even if that’s true, I need to figure out what I want. I’m in two imperfect semirelationships and my therapist needs my help as much as I need hers.”
I walked downstairs in my No Fear shirt and joined Dr. R and Heaven. Dr. R was sitting on the couch lacing up her shoes.
“Dr. R,” I said, “did you sleep okay?”
She looked like she’d been run over by a truck and was wearing sunglasses in the house even though it was probably 11 p.m. “I slept through an entire day. I haven’t been this hungover since—this is so unprofessional.” She hung her head in shame.
I shrugged. “No big. Privilege can go both ways. I’ve got you.”
Vlad’s footfalls sounded on the stairs. “Tiffenie, we’re not done talking.”
Dr. R looked up in surprise, probably not expecting to be caught in the middle of an argument. Heaven flashed a tired look, threw up a peace sign, and trudged upstairs.
Vlad’s voice was filled with emotion long held back. Ignoring Dr. R, he said, “We can’t live like this anymore, pretending to be human. I thought you would get used to our lifestyle.”
I gave Dr. R a private look to reassure her that she was safe with me.
Vlad gazed at me with intensity. “Don’t you want to be with someone who you can be your real self with?”
Dr. R pushed the dark shades up her nose and set her purse down like she meant business. “Would you two like a couples session?” She tapped the empty seats on the couch next to her. “Sit down.”
“We’re not a couple,” I said. “Let me give you a ride home.”
“I would love a session,” said Vlad.
“Who are you?” I squinted into Vlad’s face, so confused. “Couples therapy, really?”
“We need someone to help us with our communication. If you want to be with Tyrone instead of me, that’s your choice. But if you’re just with him because you don’t know how to be with me, we need to talk about that.”
What was going on with him?
“I want some joy, Tiffenie. I want someone to share my undead existence with. What is the point of living through a day if I can’t tell you about it? Texting isn’t enough. I need to touch you. I want to be with you and only you.”
“Vlad—” I held my hand up. Was he proposing, now, in front of Dr. R? What was he thinking?
“Let me take the doctor home. We can talk later.”
I searched for the hearse keys while Dr. R sat awkwardly on the couch. She looked unsure if she should get up.
“Where are the car keys? Has anyone seen them?” I patted my pockets down to no effect. “Are they in my jacket pocket? What was I wearing last night? Heaven, help me!”
“I’m busy!” Heaven shouted from upstairs.
“I don’t think you understand what I’m saying, Tiffenie.” Vlad walked across the room and took my hands in his. “No more secrets. Let’s stop pretending.”
Honesty always led to blood. Vampires hide in the shadows. Those are the rules. “Vlad, what are you doing? You said we could never—”
“Forget what I said. I’m doing this for you.” He looked toward the heavens and shouted, “WE ARE VAMPIRES!”
I looked at Dr. R in a panic and then back to Vlad. “Really, Vlad?” After three hundred years he didn’t understand. “I can be a vampire if and only if it doesn’t make everyone around us unsafe.” Dead serious, I looked into his eyes. “I like the idea of living in the open, but what are the rules?”
“You know the rules,” he said.
“Do you mean ‘Always listen to your coven leader, even if he is a stupid man from the Dark Ages’?” I stared him down with hands on hips. “Is that still a rule?”
He shrugged. We both knew it was.
“Only give the Dark Gift to ‘hotties.’ ” I air-quoted hotties. “Is that still a rule?”
“Well, that one isn’t really enforceable because it’s pretty subjective,” he muttered.
I wasn’t having it. I almost yelled, “‘Never reveal your true self to a mortal.’ Is that still a rule?”
Dr. R, who was listening intently said, “Those sound familiar.”
“You might have heard them in Interview with a Vampire,” Vlad said.
“Really? Vampires follow Anne Rice’s rules?”
“Or does Anne Rice follow our rules?” Vlad said. “It’s a chicken or egg question.”
“But either way, you can see how they’re restrictive,” I said. I collapsed on the couch and dropped my head between my knees.
Dr. R stood up calmly. “I’m going to get Tiffany a glass of water.” When she returned she sat down, and in a hushed tone, she said, “I knew this was a cult. Are you trying to recruit me?”
Heaven clomped down the stairs in a pair of boots. “OMG, Tiff. The keys were right in the coffin. They must have fallen out of your pocket. Wait, what did I miss?” she said as she clocked the tense looks on my and Vlad’s faces.
Dr. R looked to each of us in turn. “You all are taking this vampire thing pretty far.”
I turned to Dr. R and smiled sweetly. “Does doctor-patient confidentiality extend to people you’re not actually treating?”
Dr. R pulled two business cards out of her purse and handed them to Vlad and Heaven. “Welcome aboard.”