Chapter 27 Amy
TWENTY-SEVEN
AMY
On the short walk to the house, I schooled my features into an impassive mask.
As much as I wanted to run to my room, throw myself on the bed, and cry like a teenager with a broken heart, I wouldn’t.
Before Luke’s death, I’d become adept at suppressing my emotions.
I didn’t want anyone to see how much my husband’s attitude hurt me.
After he died, I became a pro, especially in front of the Thornes.
I focused on trying to give comfort instead of taking it.
The family had suffered enough without me adding to the burden.
It was why I’d gone to Beaumont for grief counseling, and then participated in an online widows’ support group that I could do from the office.
The mayor had known about it because I’d needed to warn him if I appeared overly upset and he’d been surprisingly supportive.
So I’d keep it together until I was alone for the night. I just had to hold on until then.
I slipped into the house quietly, going to check on Henry who Laura had put to bed for me.
He was sleeping soundly. I lingered with my son, drawing comfort from his sweet, innocent presence.
I’d seen pictures of all the brothers when they were growing up and Henry looked a bit like each of them, but out of all of the Thornes, he actually looked most like Marshall did at that age.
I wondered who he’d resemble the most as he got older.
I wandered around his room, straightening his toys and putting his clothes away. After several minutes, I felt a little stronger, a little more in control of my emotions, so I kissed his forehead and went to the kitchen for a cup of tea before going to my room.
I put the kettle on to boil and found a chamomile teabag.
While I waited, I wiped down the already clean counters and stovetop.
Anything to keep my mind from processing the full truth.
Cal was out of my life forever. My aimless activity wasn’t enough of a distraction as I thought about what was gone from my life.
No more nights curled in my bed with Cal, no more kisses or caresses, no more stories of the rodeo.
A single sob broke from me before I clamped one hand over my mouth, but I couldn’t hold back the tears that flowed freely down my cheeks.
I was no stranger to heartbreak, but this felt different.
By the time Luke died, the good parts of my marriage had already been over.
My tears then had been because a good man died far too young.
But more than that, I’d cried because Henry lost his father and grandfather, Laura lost a son and husband, and the twins lost their brother and their dad both in the same damn car accident that should never have happened.
After the accident, the Colorado Highway Patrol had been the first on the scene and once they’d run the plates, they’d called the sheriff’s office.
Brian had taken the call and driven out to identify the bodies before they were transported to the county morgue.
When he’d shown up at the ranch, he’d tried to be all business, but we had known instantly that something was very wrong.
We’d all cycled through denial, anger and depression, but it’d taken months to reach any sort of acceptance.
Throughout it all, that grief had been broad and overwhelming, blanketing everyone in the house.
The grief I was feeling now was narrow and deep in comparison because it was exclusively mine, and the magnitude of what I’d personally lost was so great.
I thought about those stages of grief, currently feeling trapped in denial and depression.
I didn’t see a way forward. At least not a way that would make both of us happy in the long term.
I brewed the tea and added more sugar than I usually did as I struggled to get myself under control.
This was Laura’s home, and I didn’t want to hurt or upset the family by revealing that I was grieving more for the end of my romance with Cal than I had for my own husband’s death.
Stop crying, I told myself. No one has died. This isn’t a true tragedy.
But no matter how many times I repeated the phrases, my thoughts returned to Cal and I couldn’t stanch the tears. I was on the verge of leaving the kitchen when I heard Jake and Laura talking as they came in from the courtyard. I didn’t have enough time to escape.
“I didn’t know you were still…Oh sweetheart, what’s happened?” Laura came to me instantly and wrapped me in a tight hug. She made soft soothing sounds and her arms felt strong around me.
I drew back from the hug and looked from my mother-in-law to Jake, who leaned against the island with his arms crossed over his chest, studying me.
There was no fooling either one of them, I realized, and I was just too tired to invent a convincing lie, so I spoke the truth with complete bluntness.
“I fell in love with Cal,” I paused to sniffle, “and he loves me back, but not enough to stay.”
Jake’s eyes flared dark and he pushed off the counter and left the room. My heart broke a little more. Jake was probably hurt and angry that I could love someone other than Luke. I didn’t blame him for his reaction.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered to Laura. “I didn’t want to—”
“Ah, honey, don’t apologize to me for loving someone,” Laura said, surprising me.
“Luke’s been gone four years, and you’re a young woman with your whole life ahead of you.
” Despite her words, there were tears in Laura’s eyes, too.
“Here, let’s go sit in front of the fire and talk.
” Laura picked up my teacup and carried it with her into the living room.
Not knowing what else to do, I trailed behind her and settled on the couch next to Laura.
She grabbed the throw blanket from where it sat in a basket and handed it to me.
I hugged it to me, as if it would shield me from the discussion we were about to have.
“You’re not upset about it being Cal?” I asked cautiously after taking a minute to collect myself.
“No, of course not.” Laura gave me a half-smile.
“In a strange way, it’s reassuring to know that even a son I didn’t raise has such good taste in women.
” I stared at the fire before continuing.
“But I understand now why you were asking me about finding love again.” Laura turned so she could see my face.
“I know I said that I probably wouldn’t, but that was me, honey.
You deserve love and passion and the kind of support that only a good man can give you. And you’ll get it, too.”
“I’m not sure about that.” I swiped at my tears.
I couldn’t see myself feeling about anyone else the way I did about Cal.
What I’d felt for Luke had been youthful and na?ve.
Looking back, it seemed to me that it had been more affection than love.
For Cal, I felt the depths of a mature love and a connection that I’d never had before.
“Cal’s going to return to the rodeo and I can’t imagine finding someone else. ”
“Apparently, Cal’s too much of a fool to see what’s in front of his nose.” Laura seemed annoyed with her son. “But another man will. You’re a prize, Amy, and don’t you forget that. In the meantime, you’re entitled to a good cry, so go ahead.”
I stopped trying to hold in the tears. Instead, I let them fall as I told Laura about my feelings for Cal and what I loved about him.
It felt good to talk, and Laura was a great listener.
At midnight, we finally went to bed. My heart was still heavy and bruised but knowing how much the Thornes cared for me helped.
I lay in bed staring up at the ceiling. I should have been cried out, but the tears continued soaking my pillow.
I was reminded of something my grief counselor had said about the different stages of our life being temporary.
She’d pointed out that we couldn’t stop time.
That, like it or not, life continued to move forward and what I was feeling would inevitably change.
Right then, I hoped that was the case. I rolled onto my side and pulled the blanket up so part of my head was covered.
This didn’t feel temporary and I had no idea how I would go on if it wasn’t. I didn’t think my heart could take it.