Chapter 33
Chapter Thirty-Three
Vaughn
The coffee shop is bustling by the time I drop Gus off at exercise class and make it back.
There’s a line doubled back and extending all the way to the door, so it takes forever.
I’m shuffling my feet and irritated within minutes, listening to the incessant chatter of a group of women decked out in hiking gear.
This would have been the perfect hour to work; instead, I’m shuffling forward, wasting precious time, with the added pressure of knowing that Carlos is waiting on my research.
I’m ready to turn around and find another place to work when the group ahead of me finishes their ridiculously complicated order, and it’s my turn.
Stepping up to the counter, I rein in my frustration when Jules, the barista, smiles at me. “How’s it going? Today’s the big day for Kate, right?”
“She should be getting ready to start her practicals now,” I say, trying to find the last of my patience.
This day hasn’t gone as planned. Gus was extra hardheaded and fought me about going to his class. Or maybe it’s just that we know Kate’s finalizing her training today, and we’re both extra ornery as a result. I know she’ll pass, and I know what it means for her going forward.
Not sure how Gus feels, but I don’t know if I can face a reality where she’s fighting fires for a living.
“Cal was excited. He and Jackson get to be a part of the course thing this afternoon.”
I don’t know what to say in response, so I just nod, mumbling my order for an Americano. Maybe if I can lose myself in work…
“So, are you gonna do anything special for her after she passes? ’Cause you know she’s gonna pass.”
I really want to like this woman, but right now, I am frustrated and so beside myself I can’t think. “Not really.”
“We should totally throw a party for her tonight. We could do it here and make it a surprise. She’s worked damn hard. Cal brags about her all the time.”
I bet he does. The jealous, pea-size part of my brain tries to override rational thought.
“What if she fails,” I offer, even though I know she’s not going to. She’s worked her ass off. She knows what she’s doing. “I don’t want her to feel like she’s got to be around people if things go badly for her today.”
Jules’s expression gentles as she considers me. “Come on. Give her the benefit of the doubt. If nothing else, she’ll need a consolation party. We can have it here. I’ll let everyone know.”
A fucking consolation party? Jesus.
I don’t want to argue with her. Don’t want to think about Kate passing her test. Instead, I shift my focus.
I need to get on this project for Carlos, so I simply nod and take my coffee to a table.
I barely have twenty minutes to work—in which I find I’m largely blocked by the lack of responses from vendors and suppliers—before it’s time to go pick up Gus.
The early-afternoon sky is bright, the air is crisp.
And despite my best efforts, my mind keeps drifting back to Kate.
I can’t make it stop. Can’t distract myself from worrying about how her day is going.
Did she pass her written test? Did she manage to carry that heavy bag as far as she needed to carry it? Was she able to meet her time limit?
Even as I have the worry, another dread settles in the pit of my gut.
Kate’s the strongest, most determined woman I’ve ever met. I know how much she wants this dream. I just don’t know what it means for us. I’ve come to care about her too much to lose her the way I lost my parents.
I don’t know if I can sit back and watch her put her life on the line every shift.
I’m so caught up in Kate that the drive to the gym is a blur.
Gus climbs in the car with a grunt, bitching the whole time about whatever, but his color is much better than it was before the procedure, and he’s moving well despite his grumblings.
He’s on the mend, and he looks forward to these exercise sessions despite his complaints.
There might be a woman in the class who he’s sweet on, even though that makes me a little sad, remembering Gran.
“The coffee shop wants to have a party for Kate tonight,” I announce as we take the turn, headed out to the farm.
A grunt is his only response. And that’s how we spend the drive.
Single sentences and mumbled, grunted responses.
What-ifs whirl in my mind, replaying every horrible memory of the night I watched my parents die.
Kate wants to do this job. Willingly run into burning buildings. And I’m a fool for not taking this seriously sooner.
For fuck’s sake, I’ve been helping her train.
Because even though I don’t like it, it’s her choice and her dream. Not mine. And I do want her to succeed. I just wish her dream were different.
By the time we get back to the farm, I’m a riot of emotion. So damn keyed up, frustrated, and confused I can’t see straight.
I need to blow off some steam, so I scan the property, looking for anything major that needs attention.
This place still needs work, but it’s better than when I first got here.
I could leave now, knowing I made a little bit of difference, made their lives better somehow.
The first part of that thought makes me pause. I could leave, but do I want to?
My gaze lands on the tarp covering Gus’s old pickup truck. The one we were supposed to rebuild together. A long-term project, for sure, but more productive than spinning wheels, waiting for people half a world away to answer the questions Carlos and I have.
I’m elbow deep in the engine when Gus joins me.
“’Bout time we took care of this truck,” he says, picking up a well-used wrench and studying it. “What’s on your mind, boy?”
Gus and I have at least mended our relationship and gotten closer while I’ve been here. Even still, I don’t know where to start. Don’t know that we’ve repaired things enough to hold this level of confidence. So I take a page from his book and grunt back at him. “Nothing.”
“Your gran…”
Oh god. Here we go. He’s going to rip my heart out. Any conversation that involves him talking about Gran has the power to wreck me.
“That woman was the love of my life.”
There’s no follow-up to the statement. It’s just facts. He loved her. I used to envy that soul-deep level of love. Maybe if I were a different man, I’d find that kind of love. Maybe it would even be Kate.
She deserves that level of devotion.
“You know, I’d always come out here and tinker when I had something on my mind.” That silence breaker is as subtle as a grenade. Just toss out a random I know you’re bothered and expect me to confide in him. I can feel his eyes on me, but I don’t look up.
“We can talk about it if you want,” he says, trying a second time.
Who is he pretending to be? And why now? Instead of blurting my questions, I go for calm, cool, and collected. “No offense, Gus, but I don’t really feel much like talking.”
He makes a low humming noise but doesn’t press the issue any further.
We fall into a silent routine of tinkering with the engine.
Occasionally, I ask for a tool that he passes over.
He makes suggestions about what else we need to check.
We spend a few hours working together cohesively without arguing, without grumbling, and it’s nice.
It’s when he’s handing me a socket wrench that I notice the age difference in our hands. One thing I remember about growing up is we used to be the same. He always called me his little mini or his shadow or his whatever.
And now age spots, wrinkles, and knuckles buckled with arthritis mar those once-strong hands. The sight makes me pause.
He used to be larger than life to me. Losing the love of his life has aged him drastically. The difference between the frail old man that he is now and the robust man I remember is striking. It does something to my insides, makes me realize how fleeting time is.
“How are you feeling, Gus? How’s the heart doing?”
He lifts a shoulder. “Fine. But I’m also okay with not being okay.”
I brace both hands on the frame of the truck and watch him. “What do you mean?”
“Just that I’ve lived my life.” He grabs a dirty grease rag and begins wiping his hands, transferring more grease to them instead of taking it off.
With a frustrated huff, he tosses the rag to the side, then makes his way to the bed of the truck, where he looks out over the farm with his hands on his hips. A king surveying his kingdom.
Or an old man remembering the good ol’ days.
“Spent my whole life here on this farm and have you to thank for saving it. So if I haven’t voiced it… thank you. I don’t know what I would’ve done if I’d lost this place. Your gran probably would’ve come back to haunt me.”
I drop my tools and join him, mirroring his position. I can’t help but notice that I’m now a head taller than he is.
“I should’ve come home sooner,” I admit. “I knew Gran wanted me to. And I did for her, but I should’ve made things right between us years ago.”
“You did what you had to. I was an ass.”
I don’t argue with him, because he’s not wrong. We both held a grudge when we should’ve let it go.
“Son, I want you to know that I’m sorry.
I should’ve made you come home sooner. I should’ve listened to your gran.
We should’ve made it right. You didn’t no more kill your parents than I did by building that piece of crap house.
Truth is… I missed you. I loved you then, and I love you now.
” Emotion makes his voice warble the slightest bit.
Never in my life have I seen him close to tears other than when he was talking about Gran.
My foundation is rocked. I want to hug him.
Have him hug me. Feel like that little kid again, who looked up to his grandfather with all the trust and hope in the world.
“I’m not gonna be around forever. This place is yours, and it should’ve been yours all along. And I hope you’ll forgive me.”
“Pop.” The sound is strangled. It comes from deep in my soul, rolling around in all the grief I’ve buried for two decades.
How long have I wanted this man to love me and forgive me, and now that I have it, I might lose him too.
I will lose him, eventually, and I just don’t know if I can stand by and watch it happen.
No, I’d rather remember the man as he is now than stick around and see him decline. I should tell him that I need to head back to Bali. Somehow, it feels harder than it should. A part of me wants to be back in my normal life, but a different part wonders if this could be a new normal.
I try to find the right words, but my phone rings, interrupting the quiet moment and my near confession.
“You hear from Kate yet?” Dex says without a hello.
“Do they have the results?” He’s been checking in on Kate’s progress, and I have a sneaking suspicion it’s because of Cassidy, his stepbrother’s wife.
I’m not sure how to define their relationship, but he knows Cassidy’s also in the recruit class, and I know enough about his relationship with his stepbrother to know they don’t talk.
“Not yet, but I know that Jules down at the coffee shop is wanting to host a party tonight, so if you’re around, stop by. Maybe Cassidy will be there.”
“Yeah, man. Thanks. How’s it going with you? Everything okay with Gus? I haven’t heard any calls for domestic disturbance out there.”
I chuckle and glance at Gus, only to find him watching me. “Dex is noting that we’ve been on our best behavior lately.”
“You tell that boy to mind his own business. No trouble out here,” Gus says with a smirk, and for a heartbeat, we share a joke, and then he turns and makes his way back to the house.
I watch his slow gait and, for the second time within a few moments, dread the thought of watching him age further.
But I also can’t just leave, because Kate would be alone with Gus, and he’s a lot to handle.
I need to set them up to make sure things go smoothly for them.
“Anyway,” Dex says, drawing me back to the conversation, “wanted to see if you wanted to meet up for a beer later.”
“Come to the Daily Brew tonight. I’ll buy you one then.”
We ring off, and I spend the rest of the afternoon alternating between tinkering with the old truck and brainstorming this project with Carlos.
He finally returned my call late in the afternoon, even though it was the wee hours of the morning for him.
And by the time Kate’s tires crunch on the gravel drive, the reality that I need to head back to Bali immediately is confirmed.
I don’t know how to tell her or Gus, though. And though it has to happen quickly, today is about Kate and either celebrating or commiserating the outcome of her finals.
The screen door hits with a slap, no longer creaking since I greased the hinges, as Gus hobbles out onto the front porch. He’s as invested as I am. Kate climbs out of the car slowly and gathers her things with an unreadable expression.
Finally, she straightens and looks at us like she didn’t realize we were there. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. Just came out to see how today went,” Gus fills in. I can’t find the words, scared that something I don’t want to say will fall out if I even open my mouth.
“It was exhausting, but I think I did okay,” she says, a hint of pride leaking through her tone. Her phone rings, and she hits the speakerphone to answer.
Jules’s voice echoes through the yard. “Girl, come down to the shop. It’s time to celebrate.”
Kate’s smile hits me in the gut. I’ll miss it. Miss her.
“Jules, there’s nothing to celebrate that I know of. Oh god, unless Cal knows something.”
“The guys are still waiting,” says a different voice, maybe the woman from the bakery across the street. “But we decided that, regardless, we need to celebrate you lasting through the whole program and not tapping out. That’s an accomplishment. So we’re throwing you a party!”
Kate’s gaze drops to her feet, but she’s beaming. “Yeah, okay. Let me get a shower, then we’ll head over.”
She looks between me and Gus. “You gents up for a party?”