Chapter 7
Chapter Seven
Adam took a deep breath and let it out slowly. How could he explain this so she would understand what he felt back then? What he still felt deep down in his soul?
“I… uh… well, for starters, I didn’t want the boy to testify.
He was twelve at the time—old enough to be humiliated when he told a roomful of adults what had been done to him.
And it might not have been just once. He could’ve been called before the grand jury and then, if they handed down an indictment, again at trial.
I couldn’t do that to him. It was bad enough he’d be reliving it in therapy for years with only one psychologist in the room. ”
He leaned over and placed his now-cold coffee on the wooden floor beside the swing.
“Then I was dealing with my own guilt for not realizing what Brother Andre had been doing for years. The crime scene techs found evidence in his bedroom that led them to at least fifteen other young boys he’d assaulted—and that was only during the eight years he was with us in New York.
He’d come from another monastery in California, so who knows how many kids he’d abused before that.
” His shoulders sagged under the weight of the memories.
“And finally… I took a life… one that wasn’t mine to take. ”
Sage shook her head, her eyes narrowing. “But Shane said it was an accident. When you stopped him, he fell and hit his head. How is that your fault?”
He stopped the swing and abruptly stood. Crossing to the railing, he turned and leaned against it.
How could he make her understand how his initial confusion over what he’d walked in on had exploded into an anger unlike anything he’d ever experienced?
“Shane wasn’t there.” He ran a hand down his face, struggling to control his emotions.
“I—I saw red, and all the martial arts and discipline training Harry had put Shane and me through went out the window. I lost control—all of it. In a rage, I threw Andre across the room, and when he came after me, I put everything I had into a punch. He wasn’t an experienced fighter.
He was shorter than me and weighed less.
It—it wouldn’t have taken much to hold him down and wait for the police.
But that’s not what I did, Sage. I hit him—hard.
When he went down, his head cracked against the corner of a wooden chest.”
He paused and swallowed hard. This was the first time he’d described what had happened in detail to anyone since the police interrogation.
Shane had tried to tell him to shut up and wait for a lawyer, but Adam hadn’t been able to stop the confession from pouring out of him.
Now, gazing into Sage’s eyes, he told her something he’d never told anyone—not even his brother.
“So help me God, if he’d gotten up, I would have hit him again and again, Sage. Either way, I honestly believe the result would have been the same. And in my mind… my heart… and my soul, that made me a murderer.”
He hadn’t realized tears were rolling down his face until she stood and brushed them away with her fingers. She pulled him into her arms and held him as he silently cried against her shoulder. Anguish poured out of him while she rubbed his back and spoke softly.
“Shh. Adam, it’s okay. You didn’t do it on purpose. Most people I’ve met in life would have reacted the same way, myself included. It just means you’re not perfect… it means you’re human. And isn’t that why Jesus died on that cross? Because all of us are human.”
In too much emotional pain to be embarrassed, he wrapped his arms around her waist and clung to her.
Resting his head on her shoulder, he wasn’t sure how long they stood there, but as his tears waned, he realized he felt lighter than he had in years.
Somehow, someway, this beautiful woman was helping him purge the guilt he’d carried for so long.
Taking a deep, shuddering breath, he lifted his head, and their gazes met. All he saw in her eyes was understanding, compassion, and… forgiveness—something he hadn’t sought from her, but she gave him willingly.
Her expression softened, and she was no longer staring into his eyes but, instead, at his mouth.
Bending, he brushed his lips against hers and could swear she melted in his arms, so he did it again…
and again. Each kiss lasted a little longer than the one before, and soon, everything else faded away.
Sage’s arms slid over his shoulders and around his neck, pulling him closer. For a moment, he simply let himself enjoy the unfamiliar sensation of holding her and being held in return. Then an insecurity he hadn’t expected crept in.
Am I doing this right? Is she enjoying it, or does she think I'm a lousy kisser?
Wow. A thirty-eight-year-old man shouldn’t have to worry about this stuff.
When Sage sighed against his lips and held him closer, and he figured he couldn’t be doing too badly.
Turning, he rested her against the porch railing as the kiss continued.
The faint citrus scent of her shampoo surrounded him, and he wondered how something as simple as kissing a woman could make him forget everything except the feel of her in his arms.
He craved her more than he’d ever craved anything else in his life. But it was more than physical attraction. It was as if she’d been born to be the only woman for him. Was Sage his chance to be whole again? His fate? His soulmate?
Around the back of the house, Benji barked at something—probably a rabbit—and just like that, the spell between them broke. They both froze, then slowly pulled apart, as if suddenly remembering they were standing on her front porch and had promised each other they would take things slowly.
He sighed, then whispered, “As much as I’d like to continue, I think we should stop. It’s been a long day, and tomorrow will be even longer. We both need to get some sleep before the troops return at eight.”
When she pulled back, he saw desire mixed with a bit of disappointment written all over her face.
And that wouldn’t do. “Trust me when I say letting you go to bed alone is the last thing I want to do, but we agreed to take this slow. This is all new for me, Sage. I don’t want to mess it up…
” He cupped her jaw and looked her straight in the eye. “Not with you.”
She bit her lower lip and nodded with obvious reluctance. “You’re right… We did say we’d take this slow. You’re also right that we need to get some sleep, but I just want to go on the record as saying letting you go to bed alone is the last thing I want to do, too.”
She placed a kiss on his lips… a very chaste kiss. “I’m sorry I asked about—”
He gave her waist a gentle squeeze and cut her off with a shake of his head.
“I’m not. That was something I needed to get off my chest for a very long time.
I should thank you. That’s the first time I’ve told anyone everything–how I felt at the time and how I’ve felt ever since.
And that includes Shane. So, please don’t say you’re sorry because I’m not. ”
“Well, then, instead of being sorry…” A teasing grin spread across her face. “…I’ll be grateful. For someone who hasn’t kissed a woman in almost twenty years, you’re not half bad.”
He let out a hearty laugh and put a Southern twang into his voice.
“Why, thank you, ma’am… I think. I look forward to practicing some more.
” He took a step back because if he didn’t, neither of them would get the sleep they needed tonight.
Tilting his head toward the front door, he said, “Go on to bed. I’ll do a quick check on the horses before turning in. I’ll see you in the morning.”
As she walked toward the house, she threw him a sassy look over her shoulder that made him groan. After she disappeared inside, his gaze shifted to the star-filled heavens. “You know that woman could tempt the saints, don’t you?”
God didn’t answer him… but someday, in His own way, He would.
Carrying two large bowls filled with macaroni and potato salad, Sage followed Ashley out to the back porch, where they were once again setting up to feed the troops.
The new barn was almost complete, thanks to the two dozen people who’d worked hard on it for the past two days.
Hammers pounded and nail guns banged as two-by-fours, sheets of plywood, and roof shingles were secured into place.
She noticed several men cleaning up their work areas and realized the barn would be finished by day's end.
Without conscious effort, her gaze found Adam among the men.
In a snug white T-shirt, faded jeans, and work boots, he was easy on the eyes, more so than any man she’d seen since Mark.
Her thoughts drifted back to the night before and how it had felt to be in his arms, comforting him…
kissing him. A brief flutter went through her at the memory.
“Are you going to put down the salads or stand there drooling over him all day?”
There was no mistaking the disapproval in Ashley’s voice.
After placing the bowls on the table, she faced her best friend and tried to feign indifference.
“I’m not drooling over anyone. I was just…
just looking to see how much more work needed to be done.
I can’t believe they got the barn back up that fast.”
“Uh-huh.” Ashley crossed her arms and leaned a hip against the food-laden table, concern written on her face.
“Look, I know it’s none of my business, but I’m worried about you, Sage.
I mean, what do you really know about Adam?
Okay, so he’s a hard worker, and he bought the lumber for you.
I’m not saying that wasn’t really nice of him, but I can’t help thinking he’s trying to buy his way into your bed.
Everyone can see you’re falling for him.
What are you going to do when he decides to move on again?
He told you he’s been going from town to town, doing odd jobs since he got out of prison.
What makes you think he’s going to stay here?
And don’t get me started on the prison thing. ”
Apparently not heeding her own advice, Ashley started in on it, anyway.
“Think about Matthew and Jenna. If he does stick around, do you really want an ex-con influencing your children? And what if he doesn’t stay?
It’ll break their hearts if you let them get close to him.
They already lost Mark. Do you want them getting attached to Adam and then losing him, too? ”
Several times during her friend’s speech, Sage had opened her mouth to respond, but Ashley hadn’t let her get a word in.
Now, though, she couldn’t help thinking about what her best friend had said.
Not the part about Adam trying to buy his way into her bed.
Sage knew far more about him than Ashley did, and it wasn’t her place to share everything he’d told her.
But what if Jenna and Matthew did get too attached to Adam, and then he packed up and left?
What if I get too attached and he leaves?
He hadn’t mentioned anything about staying long term. And Ashley was right–he had told her he’d wandered around the States, taking odd jobs when he needed to.
But what about the savings he used to purchase the lumber supplies? That wasn’t cheap. So why does he even need to find work wherever he goes?
Sage’s thoughts were suddenly a jumble. She’d let her attraction to Adam overshadow the questions she should have been asking.
Maybe it was time to listen to her head instead of her heart.
Ashley was right about one thing—she needed to do what was best for her and the children.
There were other men—stable men with ties to the community—who’d asked her out over the past year, and she’d politely turned them all down.
Maybe the next time one of them asked, she should say yes.
The sound of cheering pulled her out of her thoughts. Ashley was smiling at her again. “They’re all done. Let’s go check out your new barn.”
By the time darkness fell and everyone had left, Sage had nearly convinced herself her best friend was right.
She needed to keep Adam at a distance and protect not only her heart but her children’s as well.
Ashley had even mentioned that Frank Browning had been asking about her lately and offered to set them up on a date if Sage was interested.
The local high school history teacher was a widower with two kids of his own.
Ashley had chuckled and said they could be the Brady Bunch minus two.
After locking the front and rear doors, Sage turned off the kitchen light and quietly walked down the hall toward her bedroom. As she neared Jenna’s closed door, she stopped short. Her little girl was crying.
Opening the door, Sage’s eyes widened with alarm. Jenna was lying in bed, hugging the stuffing out of her teddy bear as tears rolled down her face.
She hurried over and placed a hand on Jenna’s forehead, relieved to find she didn’t have a fever. Sitting on the bed, she pulled her sobbing daughter into her lap, wrapped her arms around her, and rocked her back and forth. “Sweetheart, what’s wrong? Shh. It’s okay. Tell Mommy what’s wrong.”
That only made Jenna cry harder.
“Are you hurt or sick?”
Her daughter shook her head, her small body racked with shuddering sobs and hiccups.
“Then what is it, sweetie?”
“Th-the… the d-d… dancth.”
Suddenly, she understood, and her heart sank.
With the barn fire and everything that had happened over the past two days, she’d completely forgotten about the father-daughter dance this Saturday at the church hall.
The annual event was for the local Brownies and Girl Scouts, and it would be the first time since Mark’s death that Jenna had faced something like this.
She’d joined the Brownies a month after last year’s dance, so it hadn’t been an issue then.
When Sage had seen the dance on this year’s schedule, she’d planned to do something special with Jenna so she wouldn’t feel left out.
Last month, Evan had offered to take her until Maddie reminded him that their niece was getting married that weekend.
The young woman was also Maddie’s goddaughter, so missing the wedding wasn’t an option.
Continuing to rock Jenna, Sage murmured reassurances until the little girl finally succumbed to exhaustion. She waited a few minutes to make sure her daughter was sound asleep, then gently laid her back down and pulled the covers over her.
Taking a deep breath, she stood and tiptoed from the room, wiping away her own tears before quietly closing the door behind her.