Penny
Perched on my toes on a chair, I wipe the top of one of the living room’s windows like I’m being graded.
Vigorous cleaning isn’t calming me like I hoped. My mind is playing Wheel-of-Misfortune, and the shitty prizes on each turn is a thought that makes me ashamed or afraid.
I let Jacob go down on me.
His sister thinks I’m a whore.
Cedric might hurt my family.
Round and round the wheel spins.
If Elizabeth hadn’t turned up when she did, Jacob and I might’ve gone all the way. The way we were dry-humping each other after he licked me…
Then Elizabeth stormed in and tossed down her awful accusation like she did the candy. Red licorice twists are my favourite yet I chucked them in the trash this morning. Eating them would be literally consuming someone’s terrible opinion of me.
You’re just like your mother, a whore.
I scowl as I scrape at a stubborn spot on the window.
“How can I be a whore when I’ve never had sex?”
A question I wish I had the ovaries to ask out loud last night. Instead, I was too busy drowning at the bottom of the Great Lakes of Utter Shame.
I take a breath and stare out the window at the snowy front lawn, trailing my fingers over my collar. I hated it at first, now it brings me comfort, calming my inner turbulence.
“Forget breathing exercises to ease your stress. Try letting a man own you instead.”
I shake my head at myself. At this rate, I won’t be invited to any women’s march. I get down off the chair and move it over to the next window.
While Jacob was clearing the driveway, I was on the phone with Aunt Dee. It was nice hearing her cheery voice as she told me Kevin finally asked out a girl he liked and she said yes.
Talking to a girl long enough to invite her on a date is a major accomplishment for my shy cousin. Meanwhile, Aunt Dee was already planning his wedding and gushing about her future grandbabies.
That’s if Kevin will get to have those babies and if Aunt Dee will get to see them.
My calm fades as the wheel spins again, slowing to a stop on Cedric. Jacob is so sure that asshole won’t hurt my family. I’m not. The best way to keep them safe is to return to Toronto as soon as possible and prove I didn’t run away.
But Jacob won’t let me leave.
And even though I said differently last night… I don’t want to leave either.
Not yet.
Footsteps thump on the porch. I swing my gaze over my shoulder at the door and the sudden action sends the chair sliding backward. I yelp as I tumble off.
“Ow!”
The door swings open and Jacob rushes in, immediately dumping the grocery bags in his hands. Concern on his face, he hurries over and reaches down for me.
“Are you OK? What happened?”
I give him a shaky, embarrassed smile as I rise to my feet with his help.
“I fell off the chair.”
“Are you hurt?”
Jacob raises my forearms as he looks me over and I’m extra aware of his touch.
His concern fills me with a pleasant glow and I remember how he held me last night and soothed me when I was crying.
These small ways he shows me he still cares about me despite our past is making me fall in love with him.
Excuse me. Come again?
“Just my pride,” I say, struggling to pretend I didn’t just come to an earth-shattering realization. “And my right knee a little. I smacked it.”
He smiles. “Want me to kiss it all better?” A grimace replaces his smile and he releases my arms. “That came out wrong. Forget what I said.”
I nod, a tingling under my skin as I’m flooded by memories from last night. The ones where he kissed me and licked me into pure bliss.
“Should we… talk about it? About last night?”
“Do you want to?”
I avert my gaze, my face warm. “Not really.”
“I don’t want to either. I went too far and things got out of hand. It won’t happen again.”
I made him promise that.
So why do I feel disappointed?
We move to the kitchen and unpack what he bought. When he receives a phone call, my ears are cocked while I pretend I’m focused on putting away the vegetables in the fridge.
“Thanks a lot,” Jacob says to the person on the other end. “It’s fucking ridiculous they want to rope me into this. I barely knew her.”
He pauses as he listens to the person’s response, confirms they should “go ahead and send it,” then ends the call.
I close the fridge, glancing at him as he scowls at his phone.
“What was that about?”
He jerks his head up.
“You’re a nosy girl.”
I shrug. “Yeah, I am. I’ve decided that when I’m old, I’ll be that lady spying on everyone in her neighbourhood with binoculars.”
He looks at me with amusement, then his expression turns colder.
“One of my co-workers was murdered last Friday. The police wanted to question me about it. Apparently, I’m one of the few people who last saw her alive.”
I’m rapt as he shares the story about his co-worker who was found dead by a hiker and his dog. When Jacob is done, I’m shaking my head in horror.
“She was beaten and buried in the snow in the woods?” I press my hand to my chest. “God. That’s awful. She sounded like a piece of work but she didn’t deserve that. What happened after your date?”
I ignore the jealousy zipping through me at the thought of him on a date with someone. It’s not like he’s mine.
“It wasn’t a date. I hung out with her at a bar for barely fifteen minutes before I left.”
“Why did you leave so soon?”
“She got handsy.”
I make a face. “Wow. In under fifteen minutes?”
He nods. “As I was leaving, she yelled at me, ‘You should’ve told me you were gay then I wouldn’t have wasted my time.’ But she used a slur for gay.”
“I know it’s bad to speak ill of the dead and victim blame, but if she was a heartbreaker and a homophobe, she probably had some other shady behaviour that pissed people off too.
There will be several suspects.” I step closer to him and speak in a reassuring voice.
“So you don’t have anything to worry about when you talk to the police. ”
“I’m not going to talk to them. My lawyer will on my behalf.
That’s who I was talking to on the phone.
” He gives me a shrewd look. “You should know it’s your charter right and in your best interest to keep your mouth shut when the police wants to have a ‘talk’ with you for an investigation.
Anything you say can be used against you.
” He looks away, his jaw tight. “I learned that lesson the hard way.”
I touch his arm, wanting to comfort him the way he comforted me last night.
“Nobody is going to believe you had anything to do with it, Jake.” I almost correct myself. I let his nickname stay because I liked it when he used mine earlier too.
“That’s what I thought with Alyssa at first until I almost wound up in prison.”
My shoulders sink with guilt for the part I played in that injustice. Jacob is still carrying trauma from what happened to him. Of course I can’t ease his mind when I’m part of the reason for his pain. When I let my hand fall from his arm, he catches it.
“I’m sorry, Penny,” he says quietly, squeezing my forearm.
I look up at him. “Why are you sorry? I’m the one—”
“—who’s been trying to make me feel better about this shit situation, and I’m the asshole who made you feel bad by bringing up the past.” He moves his thumb back and forth just below my wrist in an idle caress. “It’s nice to have you in my corner.”
“I was in your corner back then too. Not when I was supposed to, but when it counted.”
“What do you mean?”
I hesitate because I’ve kept this secret to myself for so long.
“I’m the one who sent the video of Mom’s confession to the prosecutor.”
His caress stills. “It was you?”
I nod. “I tried to get her to come forward on her own. She refused to do it. So I secretly recorded us talking about what we’d done while we were at a picnic.”
Jacob stares at me in amazement.
“How did you manage that?”
I give him a small smile. “I leaned my phone up against a tree and asked the right questions.”
The entire time, I was afraid that she or someone else would spot my phone, or she would get suspicious about my baiting questions. She was too caught up in vindictive glee, celebrating how Jacob would regret robbing her of millions of dollars.
Men like him always think they’re better than me because they have money. That I’m some dumb bitch who’s only nice to look at or only good for a fuck.
I always show them they’re wrong to underestimate me.
I’ll show him too.
When the prosecutor called us in for an interview about the video, she gave Mom a choice: come clean right then or she would investigate if the video was true. If it was, Mom would face worse consequences for her perjury.
“My lawyer told me about the video but I never saw it,” Jacob says. “Did your mom know it was you who made it?”
“Not for sure. I cut it down to a short clip. It looked like it was someone else recording us. She always suspected it was me though.”
He lets out a soft huff.
“Instead of sending me to prison, you sent your mom.”
I grimace. “I don’t like hearing the truth out loud.”
“Sorry, I’m just…” He squeezes my arm again. “Why didn’t you tell me this sooner?”
I look away for a moment then meet his gaze again.
“I wanted to. It wouldn’t have changed anything. You still lost a lot even though you kept your freedom.”
He doesn’t respond but he’s looking at me like he’s seeing me in a whole new light. His gaze dips to mouth before he pulls me close and wraps his arm around me.
Flutters fill my stomach as I sense where this is headed. I try to escape his hold. He turns me and pins me against the fridge. As he lowers his face to mine, I press my hand to his chest to keep him back.
“You made me a promise, Jake.”
“Let me break it a little,” he murmurs.
“You’ll want more than a little.”
I’ll want more than a little too.
His heart is beating faster under my palm just like mine is drumming too. It feels like he’s moving closer and he’ll kiss me anyway. I’m shaking, every part of me silently begging him to do it.
He releases me quickly and turns away, striding to the front door.
“There’s some other stuff in the car.”