Chapter 32
“You’re not being serious,” I deadpan.
“Oh, but I am. I’m going to drop him off at my parents’ place on my way to the airport, and then I’ll figure out a replacement once I get back.”
Beck loops Bodi’s leash and collar around his hand while pushing his foot into a white sneaker.
The bouncing ball of golden fur wags his bushy tail and bumps against his leg, nearly knocking him off balance.
I stare at his thick green travel bag on the floor beside the large bag of dog food and try to ignore the pang in my chest.
Shoving my hands into my hoodie pocket, I divert my gaze. “Logan was good at her job, wasn’t she?”
“That’s debatable. I was already searching for someone else. It was just easier to keep her while I was balls-deep in the season than find a replacement.”
“Okay, well, at least let me search for someone this week. Your parents can’t be watching him all the time. They don’t even need to right now. I can take care of a dog for a few days, too, you know?”
The second the words escape me, I’m desperate to shove them back in. I know nothing about taking care of a pet. And now that Blank Page is up and running again, I’m back to being swamped with work.
Even with those doubts clanking around in my head, though, I don’t take back the offer.
Beck narrows his eyes on me, searching my stare a beat before he grins. “You’re sure? He’s a good boy, but he gets rowdy if he doesn’t get two walks a day.”
“I know. I’ve been staying here for the last week in case you forgot.”
“Oh, I haven’t forgotten,” he drawls, his fingers flexing as if he’s debating reaching for me.
Ignoring how badly I wish he would, I say, “So, it’s decided, then. I’ll watch him while you’re away and search for a replacement dog sitter.”
“You’re alright with taking him to the café with you, then?”
I nod once. “You’re right. He’s a good boy. I can pick up a bed on my way and give him full rein of the office.”
“What do you think, buddy? Wanna spend the week with Quinny?” Beck drops to a crouch and scratches behind both of Bodi’s ears. “You’ll have to be on your best behaviour. And I’ll make sure to FaceTime both of you every night so I don’t miss the two of you too much.”
My heart throbs now. It’s not painful, but fuck, it’s close.
The way he speaks like we’re both his, like this isn’t my last week staying at his place or a fling that I doubt will last much longer.
We’re playing the part of a happy couple with the living arrangements—though I’ve yet to spend a single night in his bed—and fake dates to convince Ruthie that I’m in love for the first time maybe ever.
My first boyfriend was my one and only actual experience with anything close to love, but thinking back on it now, I didn’t feel even half of what I do with Beck back then.
And this isn’t real. It’s a weird friendship where we kiss and get each other off while going out and pretending we’re head over heels for each other.
Yet, this is nothing like that relationship. I’m still just as guarded, but he never pushed me the way Beck does. Never tried to get past the walls I put up to learn all the little bits that I keep hidden out of fear. It was surface level. Something to kill the time.
How could I possibly have been romantically interested in someone before when this has so easily overshadowed that relationship?
“You don’t have to do that,” I argue.
His head tips back as he looks up at me, almost sadly. “I want to. I’ll be gone for nine days.”
My stomach turns. The emotion throbbing in my veins is unusual for me.
Normally, it’s reserved for when Callie goes days without texting me back during finals or the nights I get lost in the past, unable to free myself of it.
It’s anxiety and fear. A deep-rooted pang of isolation and a yearning for companionship. Loneliness.
But he’s still here, and I’m not alone. Yet.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” he murmurs, standing before I quickly turn and glare at the wall of windows through blurry vision.
“Nothing. Go, please.”
“Not happening.”
His warmth hits my back, and I blink profusely, willing the tears away before they can fall. I’m being pathetic. Truly pitiful. I can’t possibly already miss him this badly. He hasn’t even left yet.
That detail doesn’t seem to matter. His arms curl around me, and two steady hands clasp at my belly.
He drops his chin to my shoulder and nuzzles into my neck, his stubble scratching.
I grip his wrists and suck in a sharp breath, angry with myself, but also with him for making me feel this way.
For letting me get close enough to care about him and what he does and where he goes.
“Talk to me.”
I grit my teeth, squeezing my eyes shut. His hands unclasp and press against me instead, rubbing soothingly. The tears gather in the corners of my eyes, and I angrily dig my thumbs into them.
“Who taught you that it’s not okay to miss someone? Or that crying is a crime?” he whispers, pressing a simple kiss to my jaw.
“You don’t want to know the root of all my problems, Beck. Especially not now. Not before you need to get on a plane and do what you get paid a bazillion dollars to do.”
He squeezes my hips and tugs me back into his body until we’re completely pressed together. “There are other planes, and it’s eighteen million, not a bazillion.”
“Like that’s any better.”
“It’s okay to be vulnerable with the people you trust. Do you trust me?”
Do I? It should be a question that I need to think about, but I know the answer instantly.
“Yes.”
“So, tell me what’s going through that beautiful head of yours.”
“I’m going to miss you.”
There’s a brief, silent pause. Even the AC stops blowing, making it heavier. Then, Beck brings his lips to the side of my neck and kisses up to my cheekbone, lingering there.
“I’m going to miss you so fucking much, baby.”
I shiver in his arms, consuming those words. “I don’t like being vulnerable.”
“I know. But you don’t have anything to be ashamed of. You’re safe with me. Regardless of whether you want to be angry or happy, reclusive or open, stern or lighthearted, I’ll be here. You’ve just got to let me.”
“And I suppose that’s so easy for you to do.”
“It is, but only because I was encouraged to be vulnerable my entire life. I never had a reason to protect myself and my emotions, so how I choose to think and feel is for me alone. If you need to do things differently, then that’s that.
It isn’t some big revelation to me that you keep your heart locked up.
I’ve been trying to break into it for a long while now. ”
I can hear the smile in his voice just as clearly as I can feel it against my skin. It’s the last bit of confirmation I need to convince my stubborn mind that he’s being honest.
Beckett Rourke is a good man.
He’s too good for me.
“It’s impenetrable,” I mutter bitterly.
“Is it?” His teeth graze my cheek before he uses the tips of his fingers to guide my hair over my shoulder. “Because I think you have feelings for me and that those feelings scare you.”
I hold my breath. “You’re dreaming.”
“Not this time.”
“We’re friends. You’re my friend.”
He doesn’t so much as flinch. “I am.”
“It’s better that way.”
“I fucking love being your friend, Quinn.”
I swallow, tugging my brows together. “You do?”
“Yes. And I’ll love being your best friend just as much as I’ll love being your boyfriend. They go hand in hand. You can’t be with anyone long term who isn’t your best friend.”
Run.
I need to get out of his hold and put some space between us before I do something reckless.
My chest is shrinking too quickly while my heart is expanding, craving him with a passion that makes my knees shake.
I want to give in so badly, but I know what happens the moment you let yourself rely on someone else.
I’ve seen first-hand the damage it causes.
How you can give so much of yourself to another person only to have them either take it with them when they leave or destroy the pieces with little care for the damage caused.
That hollow feeling nearly killed me when I walked away from my mom the last time. I don’t think I’d survive going through anything close to that loss again.
“I grew up with parents who couldn’t keep their hands off each other.
There was one time where they attended a meeting with the head coach of the University of Florida baseball team, and I had to actually tell them to leave because Dad wouldn’t stop giving Mom fuck-me eyes.
I thought I was going to barf, but Mom laughed the entire time, loving it.
And even when I was grossed out, it didn’t truly bother me that much.
They both knew I wasn’t going to go to any school in the US and that we took the meeting only to be respectful after they asked a million times.
“Dad apologized to me after, but like I said, it didn’t really bother me.
I watched the two of them be all loved up my entire life.
They got together years before I was born and were married for almost as long.
It was love at first sight for them, and Dad proposed after knowing Mom for a month.
They were married two weeks after that in the backyard of my Pop’s ranch out East. I’ve never wondered what type of marriage I wanted for myself.
It was always going to be the kind my parents have.
I’ve fucked around in the past, but that doesn’t change the fact that I know what I want my future to look like and that I’m going to secure it.
When I fall in love next, it will be a forever thing. ”
His touch is so gentle as he cups my shoulders and turns me around.
I glance up before I can think twice about it and get tangled in his consuming gaze.
He oozes confidence, and I try to steal some for myself before I collapse at his feet.
Covering his hands where they sit on my hips, I squeeze his fingers.
“You were lucky.”
“I know. My mom made sure to tell me repeatedly that when I meet my wife, I need to be patient with her in case she doesn’t see things as clearly as I do.
Her favourite thing to remind me was that everyone falls in love differently.
We choose our own path, and it’s important that we have support to take the one that makes the most sense to us.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is prove to them why they should, and that if they do, you’ll catch them. ”
I lean forward, my forehead meeting his chin. “Is that why your arms are so big?”
His laugh makes his chest rumble. “Obviously.”
“Your parents sound amazing, Beck.”
“They are.”
He tries to hide the curiosity in his tone, but it’s too thick.
I brush it off, not wanting to get into my mother today.
Especially not after he’s just bared his soul to me and I slammed the door shut on him with a stupid attempt at a joke.
At least he doesn’t look upset that I didn’t respond differently.
Instead, he’s smiling at me in that soft, dopey way I’ve grown to love. His eyes are warm and so full of understanding that my nerves settle. Everything settles, actually. My fear, caution, loneliness. My emotions are completely at peace.
“Let’s take Bodi for a walk before I go. I can remind you where his favourite spots to pee are,” he suggests, winking before smacking a loud kiss on the tip of my nose.
“You have time for that?”
“I’ll make the time.”