Chapter 34 #2
“Not at all. Actually, I encourage it. That boy has always had the biggest heart, and he loves to give me a heart attack from time to time because of it. I’ve always said that he needs a strong woman to keep him in check.
He lets his heart lead him, and while I don’t think that’s a bad thing, it can be a dangerous one.
Sometimes, he could use his head a bit more. ”
Heat lashes up my spine. “Oh, we’re not together.”
“No?” she asks, but it doesn’t sound like a question.
“Not like that. He’s—I’m—” I tap my thigh anxiously. “Beck’s a nice guy. I’m only staying here until he gets back. My place should be done by then.”
Serena’s eyes twinkle as she nods nonchalantly and slides in beside me with a silver mixing bowl. “He called me after the first time he went to your café.”
“Oh?”
She hums, reaching for the beef. “Like I said, Beck lets his heart lead. That’s one of the things the media doesn’t see.
When they write their little articles and giggle amongst themselves, thinking that they’ve wrangled him into a scandal, they miss who he truly is.
Yes, my son likes to go out sometimes, but he has a good head on his shoulders. The best, if I’m allowed to brag.”
I stay still, holding the edge of the island while she dumps the beef into the bowl and shifts to wash her hands in the sink.
The soap Beck came home with after hearing me complain about the original stuff drying out my hands and reeking like socks smells like fresh lemons as she lathers it in her palms.
“Maybe I’m overstepping by telling you all of this, and if I am, I give you permission to scold me and kick me out, but Beckett is far, far more than the media and Havoc fans have painted him out to be.
He jokes and tries to pretend that he doesn’t get hurt when he hears the rumours sparked about him.
It’s always been easier for him to flash a cocky smile to hide his vulnerability, and that’s the image that was picked up when he entered the league.
“Ever since he told me that he wanted to play professional sports when he grew up, I worried that this world would chew him up and spit him out. I did everything in my power to create a loving household so he could see that vulnerability and thoughtfulness were okay, and that love was not a weakness that could be used against him. Sure, he might be teased about the depth of his emotions by those who didn’t feel similarly, but it was the one thing I wanted to succeed with as a parent.
If I could just teach him how to be respectful and love without limitations, then he’d thrive.
He wouldn’t fall victim to the reputation that seems to grow like mould in a sport’s locker room. ”
I swallow, my eyes pinned on the rim of the shiny silver bowl.
Serena sighs and settles at my side again.
Instead of reaching into the bowl, she raises a soft hand to my shoulder.
It’s a mother’s touch. A soothing, comforting move that immediately has my muscles going loose and emotion barrelling into my chest.
“I’m starting to ramble. What I meant to say was that I hope you see who he really is. I want you to see the good man I raised and not an image strangers have created of him.”
“I do. At first, I didn’t, but I do now.”
She releases a heavy breath. “Good. That’s good.”
“My reluctance doesn’t really have anything to do with him,” I admit tightly, ashamed at how true that statement is.
“No?”
The realization hits me hard, like a punch to the temple.
I want to tell her everything I’m thinking.
We’re barely more than strangers, and she’s probably the one person who means the most to Beck, but I don’t for a second think that she’d take what I want to share with her and tell him.
She loves her son. It almost makes me want to scream with jealousy just how much she does, yet I feel like I can trust her with my feelings.
With the pain that I’ve kept buried for so long.
It isn’t her burden to bear, though. None of it is.
“I offered to give you a ride home once, do you remember?” she asks, and the thoughts in my head splinter.
“No. When?”
Her hand doesn’t so much as twitch as she keeps it on my back, anchoring me whether she’s aware of that fact or not.
“It was after Beck’s team was rained out back when you were in the .
. . eighth grade, I believe, and the lightning was so intense that one of the girls was screaming about being afraid we’d all be struck by it while sitting in the stands. ”
I snort, and Serena makes a similar noise before continuing.
“My husband was hurdling the team into the dugout, and I was heading back to our SUV to get a couple of umbrellas when I saw you standing in the parking lot with your sister. You were both soaking wet, but when I asked if you wanted a ride, you said your mom was coming. When the rain let up and I looked for you again, you were getting into a cab. I should have insisted.”
“Callie. My sister’s name is Callie,” I tell her, not ready to touch anything else that she’s said.
Even just knowing how obvious it was to everyone . . . how pathetic I looked as a kid and even as a teenager, is enough to have me wishing I could go back in time and run away with Callie years before I had the nerve to.
“That’s a pretty name. Both of your names are.”
I could cry at how deeply her casual, thoughtless compliment strikes me.
“She’s quite a few years younger than you, isn’t she?”
“Yeah. Almost seven. She’s in med school now.”
“You must be so proud of her,” she says, voice soft.
My eyes burn as I clear my throat. “Very. She’s worked hard for it.”
Serena’s hand drifts up and down my back now. I press my middle into the counter, sucking in a breath at the cold feel of the marble.
“I suppose she has you to thank for that. Your drive and support. You’ve built something incredible out of Blank Page.”
“You a big coffee drinker?” I choke.
“Oh, the biggest. Though I’m the only one in the family who enjoys it.”
It’s the first time I’ve had actual confirmation that Beck hates coffee but keeps coming back for it anyway. And something in the way his mom is shaking with silent laughter tells me that she knows what he’s been doing and finds it hilarious.
“I’d be honoured to have you come by the shop. We have the best espresso in the city.”
“Sold.”
I run my eyes over the boxes of ingredients we’ve pulled out and the red beef still sitting untouched in the bowl. My stomach’s uneasy, my appetite gone. If I told her I didn’t want to do this anymore, I know she’d let me go without another word.
My feet are stuck to the floor. I have no desire to leave, even when I lift my foot and shift it over an inch, breaking free of the unease that locked my knees.
“What’s holding you back?”
“From what?” It’s a pointless question.
“Oh, sweetheart,” she whispers, slipping her arm around my shoulders and bringing me in for a tight hug. “There isn’t anything you could say or reveal that would change how he feels about you.”
“My experience with letting people into my life and having them stay is slim and disappointing.”
But it’s more than just the fear of finally accepting him into my heart and having him take the next trip out.
It’s what would drive him away in the first place.
The cruel, jagged parts of me and the past that’s responsible for them.
He’s only seen glimpses of the real me, and while he might think he likes it now, the interest will fade. It always does.
The determination he feels to get past my walls will fade, and he’ll tire of constantly battling for a softness that I’ve always worried never actually existed inside of me. And that’s what scares me.
He deserves better, and I’ve known that from the moment I saw him on the opposite side of my counter that first day. We were always on limited time.
Serena blows a breath into my hair and wraps her arms tighter around me despite the lax way mine hang between us.
I lean my cheek to her shoulder and close my eyes for a moment, inhaling her soft laundry scent.
It’s alarming how peaceful it is being hugged by a stranger. She doesn’t feel like one at all.
“Hey, Mom. I just wanted to give you a heads-up that you can stop gossiping with your friends in that cursed group chat about me finding a wife. You should probably sit Dad down when you tell him this, but I’ve found your future daughter-in-law, and you’re going to fucking love her.”
I stop breathing.
She smiles against my hair and strokes my back again.
“He’ll kill me for telling you that, but I need you to know that this isn’t some fun pastime for him.
Even if you decide that he isn’t what you need, I hope you make that call for reasons other than feeling unworthy of him.
As much as I love my son and am proud of the man he is, he isn’t above you.
I don’t need years of conversations between us to know that.
It’s clear how strong and intelligent you are, not to mention beautiful, and he’d be lucky to have you. We all would.”
I don’t know when the tears started, but when I hear her gasp, I know she’s begun feeling the shake of my body against her. Whether it’s hearing her words and feeling her strong, motherly embrace or simply the overwhelming relief of being seen, I break down in her arms.
And for the first time in my life, I let myself cry in the arms of someone other than Callie or Gran.