Chapter 1 #2
Today I’m in Hamilton, South Lanarkshire. Home to the famous Hamilton Accies, the longest echo within any man-made structure in the world, and also this one-bedroom flat in a characteristically West of Scotland tenement building.
OFF SCREEN: JEMMA shouts ‘Bloody hell!’
MALCOLM strides up the stone stairs, passing the green tiles that line the stairwell. He stops on the landing which has two doors coming off of it.
MALCOLM
Flats in this style of building boast magnificent room sizes and, if you’re lucky, splendid period features, too.
MALCOLM enters the flat to his left, JEMMA’s flat, stopping in the hallway, next to the cupboard. He opens and shuts the cupboard door three times.
MALCOLM
A cupboard is always a handy thing to have.
CUT TO interior of the bathroom. All the fixtures are avocado green, the floor is covered in brown carpet tiles, the cream paint of the walls is coming away in huge strips like a bad sunburn revealing a baby-blue hue beneath it.
MALCOLM
Now the reception room, as you’d expect in a building of this style, is a good size. Such a good size that – if you wanted to – you could divide this space in two.
MALCOLM walks through the centre of the living room flailing his arms to indicate the dissection of the room into a smaller living room and another bedroom.
MALCOLM
If you were looking to rent the flat out, that would be a canny way to get a higher yield.
CUT TO the kitchen.
MALCOLM
This kitchen, like the rest of the place, is a bit tired. One of the drawers needs to be repaired.
CLOSE-UP of the front of a beige formica drawer hanging off.
MALCOLM
But it’s charming in its own way. It holds a lot of potential.
MUSIC: ‘Somebody Told Me’ by The Killers. Specifically, the section where the lyrics are about it not being confidential that Brandon Flowers has potential.
Montage of the empty rooms we’ve just seen Malcolm occupying.
ENTER ESTATE AGENT, male, early thirties.
MALCOLM (VO)
Time to consult a local estate agent to get his opinion on this one-bed tenement, which has a guide price of ￡55,000.
Shot of the ESTATE AGENT holding a clipboard, looking up at the ceiling, ‘assessing’ the property.
GRAPHIC ON SCREEN: brIAN DEVLIN, PERFECT PROPERTY SOLUTIONS.
brIAN
My thoughts on the property are that it needs some money spent getting it up to the kind of spec the market around here expects.
Every room needs to be decorated and finished to a higher quality than it is currently.
However, once they are, the place could easily be rented out for ￡500 per calendar month.
CUT TO Malcolm in the building’s communal garden.
MALCOLM
What could be more Scottish than a sandstone tenement? It’s fabulous. The inside, not so much. It needs some love and attention, but don’t we all? Let’s find out who wanted to be the one to give it just that at auction.
CUT TO footage of the auction. The auctioneer calls the lot and we see a bidding war develop between an elderly woman and a man in his late fifties, who wins, paying ￡52,000 for the flat.
MALCOLM (VO)
Local accountant Colin already has a number of rental properties in the area. I met up with him to find out what he has planned for his latest addition.
COLIN and MALCOLM stand in the kitchen, the broken drawer in between them.
MALCOLM
Congratulations on getting this flat. What happens next?
COLIN
It has to be brought up to standard. The wiring in the bathroom especially has to be sorted and I’ve factored that into my renovation budget of ￡8,000.
Then, when it’s done, I’ll be keeping it and renting it out.
I’m working towards expanding my portfolio so I can have an early, comfortable retirement.
MALCOLM
(Direct to camera) We’ll find out how Colin gets on later in the show.
OFF SCREEN: JEMMA fast-forwards until she spies a shot of Hamilton – slow-moving traffic on Low Waters Road.
MALCOLM (VO)
Back now to Hamilton, where earlier we met up with Colin who, for a bargain ￡52,000, bought this one-bed flat.
Colin’s used to crunching the numbers in his day job as an accountant, but did he keep to budget? We returned to the property five months later to find out.
MUSIC: Shifts from a folksy guitar piece to hardcore rave.
The rooms in the flat are shown one by one – first in their previous state, and then, with a wipe transition, we see them transformed after Colin’s renovation.
MALCOLM (VO)
The new kitchen is modern and practical. By painting the walls a neutral colour, Colin has made the space a light and calming place to cook. The living room has been stripped right back and the original features restored.
OFF SCREEN: JEMMA fast-forwards again, unable to stomach all this praise for painting rooms white. She presses play when she sees Colin in the flat, running his hand over the new kitchen worktop, a satisfied expression on his face.
MALCOLM (VO)
Let’s find out how much this all came to. Did Colin keep to budget?
COLIN stands next to the bay window in the living room, his brow visibly sweating.
COLIN
We were potentially going to go a bit over once we discovered the electrical issues, but I managed to wangle things so, even with that work, we didn’t.
OFF SCREEN: JEMMA, confused. The bathroom electrics remain temperamental, not what anyone would expect to be the result of professional work.
MALCOLM (VO)
How does Colin feel now it’s all finished?
COLIN
It’s nice to see all my hard work pay off. With this one done, it’s onto the next property to grow my portfolio even further.
MALCOLM (VO)
It’s time to find out if Colin’s efforts have paid off. We brought back our local property expert to have a look.
ENTER brIAN wearing a grey suit so shiny it looks liquid.
brIAN
The work here has been completed to a high standard. There’s a feeling of space and light that tenants will enjoy. I estimate this flat, which is a perfect property solution, could achieve a rental value of ￡525 per calendar month.
GRAPHIC ON SCREEN: Costs accurate to December 2018.
COLIN
That keeps in line with the valuations I’ve had with other agencies in the area. I think it’s a fair rate.
OFF SCREEN: JEMMA says to the empty room, ‘If it’s so fucking fair, why is my rent ￡700, you twat?’ then turns off the telly and screams.