Chapter 29
No good plan of how to remedy my actions comes to me on the drive back to work, so I decide to act like everything’s normal until one does.
Going into the office, I feel like I have left my body and am observing what takes place from above myself.
I watch as I send an email to the landlord of the flat I inspected, amazed that inconsequential admin is something I am capable of.
In awe, I can attach the pictures I took of the bland flat as if this matters, as if any of it matters.
It is a wonder I can write an email that says the renters are going to get their full deposit back and includes a breezy ‘Hope you’re having a lovely day!
’ sign-off when the day is not lovely and hope is no longer something I have.
Brian wants me to do a little creative writing in his Notes app, because Leanne spotted him using it on the phone where all his nonsense takes place and the one on his clean phone is a bit bare.
He’s already sorted a few new files, which have thoughts and plans for the business and his online presence in them.
‘You can take care of things like lists of presents for Leanne, maybe a brainstorm of places I want to take her, maybe something a bit racy in there so she knows I still get hard for her. You know, romantic stuff a husband would write. Up to you on the specifics, I believe in you.’
In the fluorescent lighting of the staff kitchen I stare at the Nespresso machine’s blinking light as it warms to make my drink.
Then I stare at the solid light that tells me I can use it for so long it vanishes; the machine has turned itself off from lack of use.
I restart the process, trying to time the blinks of my eyes with the blinking of the light in an attempt to centre myself, to feel grounded in reality.
That’s what I’m doing when Brian creeps up behind me.
‘You got the keys for the car, space cadet? I’ve got a viewing in Earnock.’
I don’t turn around, fearing Brian will take one look at my face and understand what I’ve done. ‘Keys are on my desk. I made a few crumbs having lunch in the car, I’ll tidy it once you’re back.’
‘Cheers, my dear,’ he says to my back.
I grasp onto the worktop, visualising the car.
It’s parked in the alley behind the office and looks, to my eye at least, like it always does, the bars at the front of it completely undamaged from having rammed into a woman, the wheels bearing no obvious signs of having run her over.
I pray I haven’t missed some clear sign of what has happened and I’ve left it in the state I think I have.
I wait for Brian to come back, to ask me what the hell I did to his car, but he doesn’t return.
The light turns off on the machine again.
I turn it back on and make the coffee, carrying it to my desk in both hands – one alone shaking far too much to not be conspicuous.
‘You sure you’re alright?’ Gavin asks.
‘No. I don’t think I am.’ I shove the coffee along the desk away from me, certain I will not take a sip of it.
Gavin’s about to say something else, I hear the saliva in their mouth move as their lips part.
Then the phone rings and I’m saved from hearing it.
I click away at my emails, opening and closing old ones until I receive a new one from the landlord I just emailed telling me that, from the pictures I sent, they can clearly see the carpet needs to be replaced and they shouldn’t have to pay for it.
I am pleased with the choice the Jemma I am watching makes next.
The carpets have only experienced wear and tear.
The tenant’s deposit is not for you to fund regular upkeep of the property you own and they do not.
If you do not want to invest in new carpet for your property as part of the cost of doing business, maybe being a landlord is not the business for you.
Have the best day!
Jemma
I hit send and am pleased by the whoosh sound it makes as it flies from my computer to the inbox of the landlord.
The pleasure lasts all of three minutes until I realise I should probably not have sent it.
It is both very odd behaviour from me and almost certainly an act I could be fired over, when I need the money from this job for rent in the first instance and then maybe also for a defence lawyer in the second.
There’s nothing I can do about it, though, whatever will be will be, so I continue to click in and out of things, open and shut tabs on my internet browser, begin composing and then immediately delete some Notes for Leanne, because this may be my breaking point with lying for a cheating arsehole for a living.
Speak of the devil. Brian storms into the office and my heart rate shoots up quicker than I knew possible, making me feel light-headed and like I’m going to vomit and maybe even die.
‘Bloody viewers didn’t even show up. Did they call? I go all the way to pissing Earnock for nothing.’
Me and Gavin shake our heads. Neither of us comments on it not being too far to travel at all really because it’s clear he needs the moan to get on with his day.
‘I’ll go sort out those crumbs, Brian.’
I stand too quickly, grey dots blur my vision.
I stumble on the first step towards the cleaning cupboard and manage to attach and detach all the necessary pieces of the vacuum cleaner.
The fresh air will clear my head and I’ll get to properly examine the car to make sure there’s no evidence I’ve missed.
Maybe hope is returning, I am more resilient than I give myself credit for.
Everyone makes mistakes, all I can do is learn from this one and then never allow an error like this to occur in my future endeavours.
All I needed was a short wobble and look at me, back to being a woman of action, a person in charge of their own destiny.
Brian has the keys to his car. I wait for him to finish a call outside his office door.
While I’m waiting, a mousy woman in her late forties or early fifties enters.
She’s wearing a cheap-looking trouser suit.
I don’t pay her any attention because she is not part of my plan and I am hyper-focused on making my defence against what has happened to Paula as robust as possible.
That is until she introduces herself to Gavin.
‘Hi, I’m Detective Diane Gibson, I’m here to talk about an incident involving…’ and that’s all I hear before grey spots take over my vision and I fall to the floor.