Chapter 9 – Lana
I ’m quickly cornered by a scare actor wearing a scarecrow costume and I look him up and down as he takes his hood off his head. I see his dark black shaggy hair flop down in front of his eyes. His eyes are dark.
I think he’s wearing contacts. He’s wearing earrings, silver hoops in his ears and I look at the complexity of his makeup. His face makeup is pumpkin like. Bright orange, a long black painted smile that looks carved like a jack o’ lantern. It suits him.
He quickly comes up on me and pins me against the brick wall behind us in the alley way. He pulls a knife out and watches my reaction carefully.
Fuck. Is that a real knife? I watch him intently as he drags the knife across my chest. We lock eyes and a shuddering breath escapes me. Not in fear but something else. Arousal? Maybe. But I am sure as shit not scared.
He tilts his head in surprise. We lock eyes for what feels like an eternity until he leans in, “Are you scared, Lana?” The question knocks the air out of my lungs. How does he know who I am?
He smirks and picks up a strand of my hair.
“I always preferred your hair blonde but I have to say the red suits you too.” He pulls back but keeps his dagger close to me.
I start breathing a little heavy. I don’t understand how he knows me.
He doesn’t look familiar and yes I know he has makeup on but I would’ve recognized his voice. At least I thought I would…
He shakes his head. “Don’t you recognize me, Lana?
Ouch. That actually hurts my feelings. How do you not recognize the one man who knows you?
The one man who would burn the world down for you if you politely asked him to?
” His icy stare penetrates me and I just stare back and blink in disbelief.
He would burn the world down for me? Surely he’s joking… . right?
Then he says something inaudible. I can’t hear him over all the screaming from other people in the park. But what he says after that is what freezes me in place. “Kai Jameson.”
I must be living a nightmare. I swear I just heard him say Kai Jameson. But if that’s true… how did he find me? How did he recognize me?
I look at him in disbelief, for several minutes. Then fear takes over my system. Kai. Here in Portland. After I left five years ago. I can’t believe it.
We watch each other for a few minutes and I feel my heart racing as I fit the pieces together like a puzzle. And then, without a second thought, I bolt.
As I’m running the memory comes back to me.
It’s a dark night in Portland. The moon in its smallest crescent phase before the new moon. Kai and I are sitting on the grass on a blanket watching the night sky as a storm rolls in. Typical Portland weather. Always raining.
It’s been at least a month since Blake died. Something hasn’t set right with me about his death. Something I can’t shake. I refuse to wallow in my head. That’s why I’m hanging out with Kai. I only know him because of Tina.
She’s head over heels for Kai. I’m not really sure if they’re dating or not but he sees me for, well, me. I’ve never fully belonged anywhere until I met Blake. And now he’s gone. I don’t have anyone. No one knew what kind of relationship I had with Blake.
We were on two different spectrums. Two different social ladders. But when I was with him, it didn’t seem to matter. But we kept our little rendezvous to ourselves.
“You doing okay, Lana?” Kai asks. I guess I’ve been too quiet. Why do people ask that question anyway? Define okay. For me? I’m definitely not okay. I lost someone I cared about but I have to act like the grief isn’t tearing me apart from the inside out.
After all, who was Lana Voss to someone like Blake Ellis? A nobody. Just a quick fuck. Nothing serious. At least no one would really believe it was more than that. A real connection.
“Yeah, as alright as I can be. Beautiful storm brewing.” I say. That sounds so lame. Maybe it won’t sound off to Kai. He looks at me. My blonde hair blows in the wind, tickling my back. I turn my head and look at him.
“A beautiful storm indeed.” He says. He looks me up and down. After a few minutes of looking at me, he looks back up to watch the clouds moving across the night sky.
I don’t know how long I can keep this charade up. I feel the pain in my chest like a rock I’ve swallowed. No one ever prepares you for how grief hits you like a train and doesn’t let go. It feels like it wants to chew me up and spit me out.
I’ve been trying to take it day by day but it haunts me. All the unanswered questions brewing. Suicide? Blake? It doesn’t seem real. It’s only been a month. Blake Ellis might’ve been a douche but I think that was more how he wanted people to see him.
People didn’t see the side of him that I saw. Caring, sweet, and nurturing. I know that doesn’t sound like him but that’s how he was towards me. We got off to a rocky start at Kari’s party almost a year ago but who knew that would lead to this?
I sigh and lay down. Maybe if I focus on Kai and this storm I can ignore the storm brewing inside. One that is trying to consume me.
Kai rolls over on top of me. My breath hitches. He has his arms on either side of me and he’s staring down at me. I look at him. His icy blue eyes reflecting that of the storm above us.
A clap of thunder startles me. “Lana Voss isn’t afraid of a little storm, is she?” He asks with a smirk. I shake my head. Maybe Kai and Tina aren’t together like I originally thought.
He leans down and I close my eyes. Maybe if I lose myself in this, the grief won’t be as hard to swallow. I feel his lips brush across mine like a whisper. I take a shaky breath as the kiss deepens.
Kai pulls back and gets off of me. I open my eyes and I sit up to look at him. He smiles. Without thinking, I crawl over to him. He pulls me into his lap and we’re back at it. Kissing. His hand is tangled in my hair.
My arms are wrapped around his neck. We’re consuming each other. Kai Jameson is kissing me. I’m kissing him and there’s a storm on its way. Lightning flashes across the sky. Then a big thunder clap follows.
Before we know it, rain is piss pouring on top of us. We don’t care. We are lost in this moment to each other. And the tears fall down my face with the pace of the rain.
The grief is back. This passion wasn’t enough. I abruptly stop and get up. Kai looks at me as I gather my stuff. “Lana?” He asks. I shake my head. I get in his car and sit there while he finishes getting his stuff into the trunk of his car.
I don’t talk for the remainder of our time together. I can’t stay here. I can’t do this to him. To Tina. I can’t pretend. I can’t keep my promise to move away with Kai when I don’t want to tie my grief to him.
As soon as we get to my house he walks me to the door. We’re both soaked from head to toe. “What was that back there?” He asks. “I can’t do this. To you. To Tina. What transpired back there shouldn’t have happened.” I say, truthfully.
Well as truthful as I can be. I’m going to make him believe this is all because of Tina. After all, us girls have a code to uphold. I look at him. I bite my lip.
“What are you talking about Lana?” He asks. I can’t do this. “I’m talking about this. Whatever happened back there. Tina is my friend.” I say. I cross my arms and watch him.
He chuckles. “Is this really what this is about? Tina? Seriously?” He asks.
I nod. “You think I don’t know there’s something going on between you two?
I’ve known for a while Kai. I’m not blind.
Now why you would kiss me, I don’t know but I am not going to lose my friendship with her over a guy. ” I say.
“Lana, are you being serious? I am in love with you.” He says. I stare at him in shock. No. I’ve seen him and Tina. “Lana. Don’t do this. I love you. It was never Tina. It was you. Always you.” He says and takes a step forward.
Before I can push him away he’s kissing me again. I gasp and his tongue slips into my mouth. The tears are threatening to resurface. I can’t do this again. Won’t do this again. I push his chest. He stumbles.
“Kai. Please leave.” I say. He looks at me with hurt in his eyes. It wasn’t my intention to hurt him but he needs to leave me alone. I won’t burden him with my grief. He stands there. I turn around to go inside.
He catches my hand in his. I feel tingles up my body. The tears start to fall. Reminding me of the night Blake did that. I didn’t want him to do that and now I don’t want Kai doing the same thing.
I bite my lip hard. “Lana.” He says. My body shudders with each silent sob that comes out. I don’t say a word, I pull my hand out of his and go inside. I lock the door behind me and slide down it letting the sobs come.
I sit there with my knees to my chest for more than a few minutes. I need to leave. I can’t stay here. Not anymore. Not when everything reminds me of Blake.
I run upstairs and pack my bags, allowing the tears and sobs to pull themselves from my body. There was a place my parents talked about when I was a kid before they died in a car accident when I was eighteen.
Seattle. That’s where I will go. Put this godforsaken town behind me. Blake Ellis. Kai Jameson. Gone. That’s the way it has to be. There’s nothing holding me here. Not even Tina.
That night I left and I never returned until now. Something called me here. I’ll find out what that is soon enough.