EDITH, AKA FIGHTING THE GIRL IN THE MIRROR
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The hotel is the nicest one in Dunphey. The view is pretty. The room smells clean. The pink roses are lovely. Of course, Duke looks absolutely gorgeous. He’s wearing black jeans, a gray T-shirt, and black boots. His dark hair is a little messy from his ride to town. I always get aroused when I think of him on his motorcycle.
Everything about this moment is great, yet I’m out of sorts. My chest feels heavy, and my stomach bounces with anxiety. I imagine sex hurting and me crying. Everything is going to get ruined.
Being out of sorts is likely why I sabotage our fun evening by blurting out, “What are your dealbreakers?”
“With you?” Duke asks as we stand across the king-sized bed from each other.
“Yes,” I say and step closer. “What is there about me or us that will end things?”
“Why do you assume I know the answer to that question? Do you imagine I sit around considering reasons to stop seeing you?”
“I think you know yourself and what you need to be happy.”
Duke rubs at his clean-shaven jaw and looks around. “Well, obviously, I can’t have you behaving cruel toward my family.”
“Of course. We both have that line.”
“What are you looking for here?” he asks as if we’re business people working out a deal. “Are you asking if I’d be willing to live in Tumbling Rock? I think we both know that won’t happen.”
My heart sinks, even while I shrug. “I think that’s obvious.”
“What are your dealbreakers?”
“Well, I can’t be with a cheater. I’m too violently inclined to share your dick.”
Duke grins at my words. I think he likes it when I get possessive and a little homicidal.
“That one is easy. You already know I don’t cheat.”
“Well, I don’t really know that.”
“You know I said I didn’t.”
“All men say that.”
Losing his amusement, Duke frowns. “Do you not believe me?”
“I do, but I might not be thinking straight. Since the engagement party, I can’t see past the fog of my lust. Your good looks have shredded all my good girl self-control.”
Duke smirks and explains, “I didn’t cheat on Kerrie, and our marriage was a business agreement. People didn’t know that, though, and Basin Rock is a small town. If I got caught cheating, it would have disrespected her. People would have thought less of us.”
“Were you sexually satisfied during your marriage?”
“Not really, no.”
His honesty startles me. My mouth pops open. I cover it with my hand, but Duke still grins at my response.
“Kerrie is a beautiful woman. We had fun in bed, but we were together for a long time. There was never any real spark between us.”
“Maybe it’s the virgin in me, but I don’t get how sex can be fun without a spark,” I mumble before asking, “Did you ever tell Kerrie that you were bored?”
“Of course not.”
“Honesty is important.”
“Sure, but so is not pissing off the wife.”
Feeling stubborn and self-destructive, I keep pushing the subject. “But you could have made your love life more fun.”
“Kerrie and I were mostly friends for the last ten years of our marriage. We barely had sex. We were simply circling each other until her dad died.”
“That sounds awful.”
“Because you’re young and in heat,” Duke says, and my mouth pops open again.
Chuckling at my response, Duke moves around the bed. I step back, wanting to keep my distance before I blurt out what my questions are actually about.
“Are you embarrassed to tell people about me?” I ask, trying so hard to ruin our time together.
“Of course not,” he says, losing his smirk. “Wait, do you mean embarrassed like people will mock me for falling for a much younger woman?”
“I don’t know about the ‘much younger’ part. But do you think we can survive the pressure of other people’s expectations?”
“My people won’t be the sticking point, Edith. Lola and Clover weren’t raised with stars in their eyes about the perfect couple. They’ll be happy if I’m happy. Though they’ll likely assume I’m in over my head.”
“Do you think we’ll last?”
“Are you fishing for a promise? Is that what this conversation is about,” he asks and crosses his arms.
Feeling small and dumb under his gaze, I try to find the words to fix what I’ve chosen to mess up.
“I’ve put my cherry on a pedestal,” I blurt out. “I’m emotionally all over the place. I don’t trust myself right now, so I’m afraid I’m not seeing you clearly. I fear I’ll regret giving you everything.”
“Physically, you and I aren’t in the same place. But when it comes to something deeper, we’re both virgins. I don’t know what signs I’m supposed to look for to know if something will last. I have no checklist of what worked or didn’t work with other women. I went from a horny teenager to marrying a woman for power to divorced and casually dating.”
“But the women you dated after Kerrie were not just hookups, right? Didn’t you have an idea of what you were looking for?”
“You’re forgetting my family’s supposed curse. I grew up viewing relationships as temporary. That’s how it was with Erin. She found men she enjoyed and married them, but she always knew the relationships would end.”
Duke sighs and relaxes his arms. “And they did. I assumed that would be me. Curse or not, I believed I was riding to the end alone. So, I have no checklist for a perfect woman.”
His words ought to warm my heart. We’re facing the same fears. He has never felt this way about anyone else. I am special! But his words make me feel worse instead.
My life isn’t complicated. I know the answers to most of my problems. When I don’t, my family takes charge. I’ve never faced something head-on and failed miserably. Someone has always been around to keep me grounded.
Duke doesn’t have the answers, though. We’re riding blind toward what might be a beautiful disaster.
“If I was Tuesday, I wouldn’t be worrying about what happens next,” I say while fighting a pout. “I thought she was so brain-dead for chasing men and acting wild. What if she got hurt? All her broken hearts and failed relationships felt like a mistake, but they made her strong. When she met Bullet, she didn’t doubt he would love her and stay in Tumbling Rock. I almost wanted her to fail since I thought my way of thinking was best.”
Duke watches me in the way he does when he’s sizing up his environment. Is he wishing I would shut up and get naked? Or does he think I’m a terrible person? I can’t tell what he’s thinking, so I assume the worst.
“And I was wrong about Ike’s obsession with a random woman he met while drunk. He was sure she was his dream girl, even though he couldn’t remember her name or find her. That’s insane, right? Isn’t it crazy to obsess over a woman you meet during a moonshine-spawned fevered dream?”
Duke nods at my question and offers a hint of a smile as he imagines my brother’s situation.
“I didn’t support Ike at all. I was such a bitch, but he was right. Ugh, I keep being wrong. It’s messing with my confidence. And then there’s you .”
Duke chuckles at my tone when I say the final word. I want to treat him like a project. Better to stick to my checklist and make sure he fits my life. Yet, his little smile is enough to steal my angst and leave me feathery soft inside.
“I want you,” I admit. “That’s all I keep thinking. I want Duke. Where is he? How many hours until I see him? When we’re together, I’m afraid of how little time we have before we’re apart. It’s making me weird, so I don’t trust myself.”
“Do you trust me?”
“I think so. I’m not sure.”
“Hurting you isn’t in my best interest. You see that, don’t you? I need your family’s help to keep my club and family safe. I’m the one with fewer options here. If I had any sense, I’d never have stopped at the bar and talked to you that first night.”
Duke frowns darker, seeming rattled. “But I can’t walk away from you. I’m cranky when we’re apart. I wish it was just about lust. If we could fuck and be normal again, I’d have talked you into bed as soon as you walked into the room. But that won’t fix this need.”
I feel the corners of my mouth pitch downward. My gaze flashes to the bed. I frown at how it can’t solve my problems.
“I’m falling in love with you,” he says, and my heart nearly bursts out of my chest. “But I don’t know if this thing between us can work.”
“Why not?” I ask in a little voice.
“We’re in different places in our lives. I don’t know what I want. If I met you a few months ago, I’d have a better idea of what would happen next. But I had my panic attack and thought I was going to die. I was certain I’d ruined everything for my family. I felt like a failure. It’s rattled me, and I don’t trust my instincts anymore.”
“We should wait until you feel more like yourself,” I say before immediately adding, “But I don’t want to wait. I want everything to happen right now.”
Though Duke smiles, I feel his tension growing. “Right now, in this room, the future is simple. I want you, and you want me. We’re going to spend the evening together. I like the idea of waking up next to you. As long as I focus on right now, I’m certain.”
“I’m afraid of what happens after tonight.”
Duke watches me for what feels like a long time. “You need to hash this out now, right? We can’t drop it and have an easy evening. You need to hear the words.”
“Yes.”
Nodding, Duke steps back and rests his hands against the desk behind him.
“Your family likely won’t be okay with us. Your dad could use my club to get me to back off. I’ll have to decide between my feelings and the well-being of my people. I’m not sure which one I’d choose.”
“I don’t think my pa be that weirded out.”
“Okay, so, let’s say we get through that part. Now, we’re able to be together whenever we want. My home is in Basin Rock. It can’t be anywhere else.”
Despite knowing this fact, I still feel bad at hearing it out loud.
“Are you ready?” he asks before zeroing in on what we both know might be the real dealbreaker.
“Yes.”
“I don’t know if I want more kids,” he says and lets the words settle between us. “I’m crazy about you, and I’ll want to give you everything. But I don’t think I can do the dad thing again.”
His words hit at my biggest fear. Feeling cornered, I want to run away, but I’m so far from home. I could hide in the bathroom and cry to Tuesday. She’d promise me some magical bullshit. Maybe that Duke will change his mind or she’ll claim I can find someone better. Only one of those lies would help me right now.
“I need you to understand how I’m not myself right now,” Duke says, walking over and tilting my jaw upward to force eye contact. “I’m not a guy who panics. That day, I felt alone and weak in a new way. It emptied me out and made me doubt myself.”
My fingers reach for his jaw, and he smiles softly.
“I never would have handed my club over to Court if I was in my right mind, but that panic still lingers. I’m paranoid about losing everything. I keep seeing threats that aren’t there. Maybe I am having a midlife crisis, but that’s not why I feel this way for you. I could find a much easier outlet for my middle-aged fears, but I need you.”
Hearing magic in his words, I explain, “I think you’re my dream guy. In my family, that means we end up happy together. There’s no choice in the matter. I want to trust in that, but I’ve been wrong so much.”
“I’ll be straight with you, okay? Ready for more harsh truths?”
“No.”
“Well, buckle up,” he says and smiles. “Tuesday is an odd woman. Her behavior with Cubby and then Bullet Train was insane. There is no reason you should have assumed Bullet Train would settle down in a small town. You were right to be skeptical.”
“I knew it,” I say and smile grudgingly. “How about Ike?”
“He didn’t even know the girl’s name.”
“Exactly, and he was so drunk. We actually thought he saw a ghost or was hallucinating.”
“No way should you have trusted that would work out.”
Despite nodding, I point out, “But it did.”
“Yes, because apparently, your family has a magic that breaks through the crazy. But you were right to be the voice of reason.”
“Thank you.”
“You need to be sensible now, too. Don’t see me as Duke McGraw, the guy who runs a rival club. And don’t see me as the man who’s been making you crazy with lust. I need you to see me as a guy who doesn’t know the answers. I’m only guessing here because I don’t trust my gut. You need to accept how I can’t make promises.”
Fighting the urge to cry and scream, I struggle against this new overly emotional side of myself. “This is one of those times when I want to be like Tuesday and trust everything will work out.”
“Maybe that’s what we should do. There’s a benefit to being reckless,” Duke says and kisses my fingers dancing around his jaw. “When Kerrie and I were building the house, she would suggest big ideas and then walk away. I was the one stressing every single detail and looking over the shoulders of the architect and project manager. I had to be on top of everything. The experience would have been easier if I scared the men in charge and let them stress. But I thought I needed to control everything.”
Exhaling softly, I smile at him. “I’ll say one more thing and then we’re going to pretend as if everything will work out. No more stressing the details, but I need to say this one last thing.”
Duke nods while I rest my hands against his strong chest. For a second, I get distracted by the heat through his shirt. I become very aware of the bed only a foot away.
“I need to have a kid,” I state, staring into his eyes. “It’s my dealbreaker. I can’t live without knowing motherhood. And your adult daughters won’t cut it. For now, though, we’ll ignore that fact. We’ll wait to tell people about us while assuming the best. But if you ever realize a kid is your dealbreaker, you need to promise to be straight with me.”
“I promise to be straight with you, even if losing you would kill me.”
Duke’s need rushes off him. This thing between us isn’t simple lust. He’s my dream guy. No other man will have this power over me. Sidelining my fears about the future, I choose to embrace Duke and this crazy magic.