Chapter Twenty-Five #6
Maxi pressed herself against the wall like a cornered animal, her ragged breaths catching painfully in her lungs.
She needed a shield, something to cover herself with.
How was she to contend with a fully armored man when she was as vulnerable as a newborn babe, her shame on full display?
Maxi pulled the blanket up like a barrier and glared at him.
His cruel efforts to dredge up her deepest shame filled her with hostility.
“Wh-What is it that you wish to know?” she asked miserably. “Do you…r-really want to kn-know…wh-when it began…a-and how often I was beaten?”
The knuckles of his hand clutching the towel went white. Maxi’s chest heaved. She had to admit that even she thought her attempt to keep up appearances despite the evidence was absurd.
“If you w-want to know so badly…Th-The beatings started when I was eight, wh-when it became clear…that I had a speech impediment. I-I was made to read a poem out loud i-in front of my father…twice a week. Wh-Whenever I did poorly…he would punish me…in that room.”
Despair clawed at her as she spat out the words. Finally faced with the truth, Riftan hung his head. She had never seen him look so devastated.
Clutching his forehead, he said in a hoarse voice, “I…wasn’t planning on bringing you back with me to Anatol.”
In an instant, all the fight completely drained out of Maxi. She gazed at him with the sunken eyes of someone bleeding to death, but could not tell whether or not Riftan was aware. He kept his eyes on the floor where the shadows cast by the lamp flickered and swayed.
Dazed, he continued, “I thought it would be better for you to remain here. I kept telling myself, again and again, the entire way here…that I should let you stay if that was what you wanted. That I’d only go see you to make sure you were well.
I swore that I wouldn’t drag you with me like last time… .”
His voice grew more and more unsteady as he spoke. Riftan ruffled the shaggy hair over his forehead and drew a ragged breath. “I practically begged the duke to let me see you just once. When he told me that you refused to see me, I thought the ground would swallow me up.”
“I-I never—”
Maxi unwittingly cried out before snapping her mouth closed. Riftan’s penetrating gaze flew to her again. Nervously plucking at the sheet, Maxi cast her eyes down.
“I-I never said such a thing,” she whispered. “I-I never told my father that I d-didn’t want to see you….”
Riftan leaped to his feet and leaned down. “Then why did you follow that man there? For what reason?”
Maxi shrank against the wall as if trying to disappear into her own shadow. Riftan placed one hand on the wall next to her head and drew his face close to hers.
“Was being subjected to such atrocities preferable to waiting for me?” he demanded. “Did you really choose to stay with a man like him over me?!”
Maxi winced. “I-I…thought you never w-wanted…t-to see me again.”
When she finally managed to get the words out, his bronzed face turned unnaturally pale.
Her voice shaking, Maxi added, “B-Because I lost…o-our baby…”
Riftan stared at her incredulously. “You thought…I wouldn’t want to see you again because of that?” he croaked.
Biting her lip, Maxi glared at him through teary eyes. “Wh-What else…w-was I to think? Y-You told me t-to leave. Y-You wanted me to leave…without telling me anything….”
“I didn’t want to see you get hurt anymore!
” Riftan exploded. “Ever since I brought you to Anatol, you’ve ended up in danger numerous times.
I blamed myself for everything when I saw you covered in blood!
Why must you be the one to suffer when I was the one who fathered that child and made you return to that wretched place? I am to blame for all of it!”
Maxi gaped at his heartbreaking outburst. She could no longer think of anything to say. A rush of words continued to pour out of Riftan like water bursting from a broken dam.
“I should have just let you be. I should never have taken you to Anatol! I knew from the start that you didn’t want to marry me!
If I truly wanted the best for you, I should have let you go when I returned from the Dragon Campaign.
I even thought it would be better for you if I didn’t return alive!
That was all I could think about while you were unconscious… .”
His voice cracked. He shook violently as though trying to restrain himself, but a moment later, he grabbed her shoulders as if the urge proved too much.
“If it hadn’t been for your sister, I would have left you there! Why did you never tell me…how that bastard treated you? If I’d known, I wouldn’t have allowed him anywhere near you. I would have protected you no matter what! Why didn’t you tell me sooner? Why?!”
“I-I-I…”
Maxi struggled against his grasp, but Riftan did not let her go. He cupped her face, leaving her no choice but to return his gaze. His blazing eyes razed the last of her defenses. She no longer had an ounce of pride or energy left to maintain her facade.
“Because…I-I liked how you treated me a-as if I was special….” The tears brimming in her eyes spilled over and trickled down her cheeks. It did not even occur to her to wipe them away. “But…I-I was nothing…. Truly…n-nothing…I was…afraid that you would f-find out….”
Riftan looked as though someone had struck him in the head. Maxi squeezed her eyes shut as tears continued to stream down her face.
“Y-You were…th-the last person I w-wanted to see this. I-I didn’t…want you to kn-know me. Y-You see it now, don’t you? How could I…when I am…s-so pathetic….”
Maxi tried to force a smile on her quivering lips. She failed, and her face crumpled as the tears came bursting out of her.
“I…I am…so ashamed….”
His grip on her shoulders fell away. Curling herself over her knees, Maxi covered her flushed face with her fists as she sobbed. Standing in the middle of a square stark naked could not be more humiliating than this.
She wanted nothing more than to remain an exalted noblewoman in his eyes, for him to continue looking at her as though she were dazzling and not the way she was now—pathetic and miserable.
Maxi choked for air as a burning lump lodged itself in her throat. Her body shook with sobs, and her face was wet with hot tears. She could not keep it bottled any longer. With her lips crushed together, she was tearing at the sheets when she heard Riftan’s hoarse voice above her head.
“I…have had you in my thoughts for a very long time.”
Maxi froze and looked up at him. His arms hung limply at his sides.
“You were always on my mind. Even when you knew nothing of my existence…I only thought of you.” He muttered it like a sacred confession.
Unable to comprehend his words, Maxi could not speak. Salty tears seeped into her mouth, and she saw her reflection in his somber eyes.
“I felt hollow and miserable the more I saw you…. But I couldn’t stop.
” His lip quivered slightly. “I kept telling myself to quit. The more I thought of you, the lonelier I felt. Even surrounded by people, I was alone. Give up, I told myself. What’s the point of wanting something you cannot have?
That’s what I resolved to do, over and over…
. But my eyes would always seek you before I even realized it. ”
He pressed his fist on his forehead and squeezed his eyes shut. “It’s as if my heart no longer belongs to me. It ceased to be mine the moment I met you. So…how could you call yourself nothing? How could you be nothing?”
Maxi stared at Riftan in a daze as his broad shoulders began to shake. He hung his head like a soldier surrendering to the enemy the thing he had tried to protect to the bitter end. After numbly taking in the pitiful sight, Maxi slowly reached out and pulled his head to her chest.
Not knowing what else to say, she whispered his name over and over.
How was this feeling of all-encompassing vulnerability and heartrending sadness humanly possible?
She had shattered not only herself but also Riftan into a thousand pieces.
His body sagged against hers. Their silhouettes across the floor could not have looked more pitiful.
They dropped onto the bed like the rubble of a crumbling rampart.
Maxi leaned her face against his cool shoulder.
She could no longer pinpoint the reason behind her tears.
She simply rubbed her wet cheek against his black hair and poured out the things she had kept buried in her heart.
They lay in each other’s arms, motionless in the dark.
—
Since they were unable to procure an adequate carriage in Zeno, Maxi had to ride double on Talon with Riftan.
She sat in front with her back against his chest, entrusting herself completely to Riftan’s arms circled around her as she vacantly watched the passing scenery.
Wheat stalks bent like bows, rustling in the breeze, and pale streaks of clouds drifted against the brilliant blue sky.
On the third day, the Remdragon Knights rode through a vast grain field and traversed the Eudychal Forest. The absence of a carriage meant that they reached the Anatolium Plain in half the time it had taken the previous year.
As they prepared the camp in the middle of an open field, Gabel looked back at the road and muttered, “The journey was smoother than expected. I thought the duke would pursue us.”
Maxi stiffened as Riftan helped her dismount from Talon. He coldly glared at Gabel.
“I hope you’re not telling me you’re afraid of the duke’s knights,” Riftan growled.
Gabel’s face flushed as though the comment wounded his pride. He stole a glance at Maxi, then shrugged. “It’s best to avoid unnecessary conflict. Especially since her ladyship could get hurt again…”
“Go light a fire if you have the time to talk, Lachzion,” Ursuline barked irritably as he unhooked his luggage from his saddle.