Chapter 18
Arthur
Me: Why do parents purposefully go out of their way to humiliate you?
Ember: Ah! A question for the ages.
Ember: Seriously, are you okay though?
I hover my thumb over the screen, trying to think of the best possible answer.
Me: Do you want the truth?
Ember: The truthiest.
I can’t help but let out a snort at that. Somehow, that was the first time I’d laughed in 24 hours, even if only for a split second.
Me: Not at all.
To be honest, I regretted it as soon as I pressed send. Although the ice was starting to break even further between Ember and I as we got to know each other better, my stomach still somersaulted waiting for her response.
Why did I think it would be a good idea to text her with my problems?
She isn’t your own personal therapist.
My dad’s words echoed in my mind.
When your parents come to visit you for the first time at uni, the last thing you expect is to be full-on bullied by them. I say them, but I really mean him. I love Mum and I know she means well, but she’s just nothing but complacent around him. He’d made me feel embarrassed before. Hell, he’d made me feel inadequate for the majority of my life. It was something I obviously hated, but had just learned to deal with, like a scar on your body that you knew would never heal. But yesterday was on a different level, I felt humiliated. His insults were coming fast and hard, pummelling me in the gut as if he were throwing stones. He seemed angrier, his usual passive aggression-disguised-as-a-joke, now just purely aggressive. I don’t know what I’d done wrong, except for being myself, I guess. I knew he wouldn’t apologise; he never did. He’d rather buy you a gift or change the subject entirely than admit he’d done wrong. But more than anything else, yesterday solidified one thing for me, I don’t think we’d ever have a real relationship.
I look down at my phone to see the text bubbles keep alternating between popping and stopping.
Great. You’ve clearly scared her and now she doesn’t know what to say.
Massaging my fingers deeply into my temples, I sigh. The headache was already starting to form. I knew that Sam would happily sit down with me and have a chat if I ever needed it. He liked to play the joker, but deep down, he really was a genuinely nice guy who actively cared. Yet somehow, the only person I wanted to tell was Ember. Maybe it was the fact that we were starting to become friendlier so I knew I could trust her, or it was because I knew that despite everything, she’d always treated me with nothing but warmth and kindness, always trying to make me feel included and seen. Maybe I’d just completely ruined everything.
I’m on the brink of lobbing something across the room when my phone lights up with a text message.
Ember: Come over :)
My heart started hammering in my chest as I re-read the message. She wants me to come over? Did she want to chat with me about it? Was there something else she wanted to talk about?
I’m psyching myself out before another ping comes through.
Ember: only if you want to of course x
A part of me winced, panicking that she could somehow hear my inner dialogue through the phone. No. I needed to stop being stupid. I needed to grow a pair and just go. Any other guy would bounce at the opportunity if a girl invited him over. The thing was, being a guy, I knew exactly why most guys would be so ecstatic. I, however, wasn’t after that, and I’m sure as hell that that most definitely wasn’t what Ember was implying either. She was just trying to be nice and offer a listening ear for me to vent to. Before I can change my mind, I quickly reply.
Me: Be there in 5 :)
Going against all my basic natural instincts, I pick up my phone, slide it in my pocket and head out the door.
◆◆◆
“I’d offer you a cup of tea to make you feel better, but I’ve run out of milk,” she says, turning to face me as she opens the door to her room. “I may or may not have drank a whole pint of it last night when I couldn’t sleep.”
I let out a faint laugh, trying to hold together the barrel of nerves I thought were on their way out.
“Did it work?,” I manage to muster.
“No,” she sighed. “Toby had some girl here, and believe me when I say, they were at it all night long. They must both have the world’s most impressive stamina.” She shakes her head now as if trying to forget the memory. “Anyway, the only thing the milk did was make me pee all night.”
I properly chuckled then; she always had the most unhinged stories to tell. I liked that she didn’t hold back or try to downplay how she told them, she always seemed really self-assured. Like what you saw, was what you got.
“Anyway, moving in on swiftly,” she laughs, gesturing me towards the bed, “is everything okay?- Well obviously I know you’re not okay, you told me that already- I just mean, did you want to talk about it?,” she fumbles over her words, but I knew exactly what she meant.
I clear my throat, my brain fogging up like a car windscreen before I can even decide where to start.
“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” she says, looking at me with doe eyes. “we can talk about something else, just thought you needed a friend.”
I can’t help but smile when she says that. Not that I didn’t think we were before, but it was nice to finally hear her say it out loud.
“No I want to,” I add. “Uh-basically, my parents came to visit yesterday and my dad said some pretty shitty things, harsh things.”
Her breath catches and I notice a new level of concern cross her features.
“What sort of things?,” she asks worriedly.
“He told me that my anxiety wasn’t real and that it was all in my head. That I was my own worst enemy and that I brought everyone down with me.”
She starts shaking her head, “Arthur, that’s not true at all.”
My throat thickens, “you know what else he told me?”
She raises an intrigued eyebrow.
“He lashed out and said he wished he’d had a different son. One who wasn’t ‘broken’ or a ‘burden.’ That was the real kicker of all. He told me I relied too much on other people and that I was going to go nowhere if I kept doing it. He even mentioned you.”
Her mouth widens in shock.
“That I shouldn’t use you as my own personal therapist.” I let out a dry laugh at the irony, “which I guess is exactly what I’m doing anyway.” Humiliation starts to seep through as I hold back tears and realise that he might be right.
Putting a warm hand on my shoulder, she looks me dead in the eye, “Arthur listen to me. None of that is even remotely true. You are not in any way, shape or form, a burden. Okay? You have nothing to be ashamed of.” She starts gently rubbing her hand back and forth now. “It sounds to me that he’s not even worthy of having a relationship with you if that’s what he thinks. There’s always this idea that you mustobey your parents every whim because they were the ones who brought you into the world and that they cannot harm you, when in reality, sometimes, they can be the biggest bullies of all.”
He meets my eye, “is your dad the same?”
I notice she shifts uncomfortably in her seat before replying, “Uh-no. No, my dad unfortunately passed away a few years ago. But also no, he wasn’t like that at all. I was extremely lucky.”
Nice one Arthur. Complain about your dad whilst her dad’s dead.
“Ember, I’m so sorry,” I whisper.
She puts up a reassuring hand, “it’s fine, you didn’t know.” “Anyway, what I was trying to say was that you’re under no obligation to give him the time of day, especially whilst you’re at uni. A parent should love their child unconditionally, so if he doesn’t, then that’s his loss, not yours.”
As much as I’m trying to bask in every word she says, his words keep replaying louder. His sharp tongue and the red-hot anger that made him look like he was about to shoot off like a rocket at any moment, were both visions that were now ingrained into my mind. I hate that I’m allowing him to affect me like this, for his words to cut so deeply. But the more I try to shake them off, the more they seem to stick and I can’t hold it in any longer. The tears are flowing uncontrollably, and if I thought I was humiliated before, I’m even more so now as Ember watches the moment unfold.
Not even a second later, she’s already reaching for me with open arms and as if my body takes on a mind of its own, it sinks in deeper to the hug.
“Everything’s going to be okay, I promise,” she whispers into my shoulder.
And as she held me in her arms for those brief few moments, I wished more than anything for that to be true.