Chapter Twenty-four #2
Elizabeth gasped. “Oh, God. Why would anyone do that? You must have been devastated by that betrayal.”
“I just felt so played. And I’d wasted all that time with her when none of it had been real.” Those weeks following the revelation, I’d felt so alone. So stupid. “I should have probably figured it out. She left me feeling like an idiot.”
“Well, she was the idiot.”
“There’s more.” A lot more, but I didn’t need to go into everything. That was what my therapist was for. “Samantha wasn’t the first person to abuse my trust, and in fact, she wasn’t even the last.”
Elizabeth’s eyes widened. “Oh, shit. I did that to you, too. No wonder you got so upset.”
I pressed my lips together, thinking, Yeah, you did. But she wasn’t alone. “I wasn’t even talking about you. I lost my last job because the boss’s wife accused me of unwanted advances.”
“Jesus. What happened?”
I waved, like I could bat away the question. I didn’t want to cover every single betrayal in my life, but I didn’t want to leave her thinking I’d done something nefarious. “Would you believe me if I told you it wasn’t what it looked like?”
“I dunno. After the weather monitor incident?” She shot me a cheeky grin, and I had to laugh.
“Yeah, well, I admit to being complicit with you. But not with Jeanine Foster.”
“I need more details.” She looked more amused by gossip than horrified at my misfortune.
“Her husband, my boss, discovered us at the company Christmas party with her hand wrapped around my tie and my hands pressing against her shoulders. She was drunk, and I was trying to extricate myself.”
“Yikes.”
I shook my head, still nauseated from that entire debacle. “I was lucky they let me resign.”
“How awful.” She shook her head. “And that’s why you don’t date coworkers.”
“Well, yes but that’s not the only reason. I just don’t want the complication. Dating is already hard enough.”
“No, for sure.”
Did she have bad experiences too? Did other men she dated carry so much emotional baggage? Did she?
“I know this is a pretty heavy conversation, considering we haven’t even been on a real date. But I thought it only fair for you to understand where I’m coming from. Why I’m so skittish.”
“I’m listening. You said there were others before.”
“I don’t want to recite every grievance like it’s Festivus.
I just want you to understand why I say this is very much a me problem.
My trust issues are baked in. This shit’s been happening since high school where I was the butt of some cruel pranks and bullying, and so it’s hard for me to form connections, and I tend to overreact to lies and manipulation.
Forget about relationships. I can’t even manage a one-night stand. ”
Her eyebrow rose, like she knew otherwise. “You sure about that?”
“Normally,” I said, “I’d never hook up with a woman I barely know. I don’t usually feel any kind of attraction without some basis of trust, some emotional bond.”
She winced. “Then I feel extra shitty for leading you into temptation. Most guys need a reason to say no. What you’re describing is the plight of most women, used for sex and then we never hear from you again.” I could hear the accusation in her voice. That’s what I’d done, wasn’t it?
“That wasn’t my fault exactly,” I protested. She didn’t laugh, and it allowed me to keep the conversation real, more vulnerable. “Did you hope to hear from me?”
Her thumb stroked mine. “Very much.”
“I did try to message you.” I blushed remembering.
She shot me a mischievous grin. “What did you say?”
“Doesn’t really matter now. I wasn’t writing to you.”
“Evan.” Her hand retracted. “You do know that, whoever you thought I was, the person you went to bed with was actually me. So unless that meant nothing to you, and you still carried a torch for a woman you haven’t seen in a decade, then the person you were writing to was me.”
I puzzled through that logic, but she’d never understand the feeling of gaslighting or the way I was having to rewrite my memories.
But she was right in the end, the person I’d connected to was her.
I didn’t have the first idea who Lizzy Grant had become, and just because I’d sent those messages to her, I’d been searching for Elizabeth the whole time.
“It wasn’t meaningless,” I said, finally admitting to myself and to her how important it had been.
“Tell me it meant something to you, too.” My gaze fell on her lips, lips I’d wanted to kiss that first night, and maybe that was due to a glitch in the matrix, but now I knew this woman, and there was no doubt in my mind, it was her I’d been bonding with all this time, it was her I wanted to kiss again.
“Promise me it wasn’t just a hookup or a part of a game. ”
“No.” She tilted her head. “It wasn’t. I didn’t think I’d ever see you again, but I hoped. I hoped it could be the start of something, somehow.”
Those were magic words. “Maybe it still can be.”
“Maybe.”
“And that’s why I wanted to have this conversation so you’ll understand why I’ve been so hesitant. I’m buried under so many layers of fear and mistrust, I don’t even know if it’s worth trying to reach me.”
“I think it’s worth it,” she said. “We can take things slow, Evan. We can build trust.”
“And I might fuck up again. I know it’s not fair to ask you to show me a little grace, when I already assumed the worst of you before, but I’m trying to let my guard down for you.”
“You didn’t know me before, so I’ll give you a pass on that first misunderstanding. But you know me now. Promise me we can talk honestly, just like this, the next time we have trust issues?”
“Let’s hope there isn’t a next time.”
“There’s always a next time.”