Chapter Thirty-six
Evan
“Do not swear by the moon, for she changes constantly. Then your love would also change.”
Romeo and Juliet
Thursday morning, I made my way over to Chelsea’s house, excited to finally get to relax among friends.
Elizabeth opened the door, her smile growing childishly huge as she yelled, “It’s snowing!”
She grabbed my elbow and dragged me outside into the wet snowfall I’d just walked through for blocks.
She stuck out her tongue, laughing, and I couldn’t help but join in.
Large flakes settled in her hair, and her cheeks turned a rosy red.
She was so beautiful, and I was going to forever regret it if I couldn’t get my shit together.
I stepped closer, wishing I could kiss the snow off her lips. “I should have added Catch a snowflake on your tongue to the list. Easy point.”
“Oh!” she said, wiggling her fingers in excitement. “I’ve drafted ten more things. If I let you read it, can that count as point number nine?”
“Point number nine?” I raised an eyebrow. “What was point number nine?”
“Don’t tell me you haven’t memorized your own list.”
I hadn’t, but I’d read over it nervously more than a few times. One of the last ones I’d selfishly added was for her to share her writing. “Oh, yes. Point number nine. And no, it doesn’t count since the whole challenge has to take place within the month of December.”
“Right.” She smiled, and it made me want to work doubly hard to never see her frown at me again. “I’m warning you that I can be pretty dangerous with a full twenty minutes in a bookstore.”
“Oh, you think you’re going to get all twenty points?”
I hoped she would. One of those points was a kiss. It wasn’t until New Year’s Eve, but if I couldn’t earn her kiss by then, I didn’t deserve it.
“I’m an old pro at this by now. Plus you said we could fudge things, so… Yeah. I’m getting all twenty points.”
God, I loved her positivity. She managed to chase away the darkest clouds.
“We should go back inside.” I held out a hand, praying she’d take it, relieved when she did. “You’re not even wearing a jacket.”
She led me through the front door, saying, “Good call on the forecast, Mr. Spurlock.”
The snow had started falling about an hour ago, and as I’d predicted, it had been light, and might not even stick, but the roads were going to get icy. “I told you.”
Chelsea said, “Are you sure you didn’t call for an eight-inch pounding?”
Elizabeth snorted. “Warn a girl.”
She handed me a glass of kirs, and I asked, “How’s the new job?”
She grinned. “I haven’t done anything much since everything shuts down Thanksgiving week, but I’ve met the students who share my office.”
“I’m happy for you.” I loved seeing her go after what she wanted.
It left me wondering where I’d be if I’d chased after happiness instead of money.
I might get to find out since Shelby had given me a warning Tuesday morning.
Not for the bawdy forecast. She hadn’t even seen that.
No, Lauren had complained about my office behavior, from “lying about being gay” to “hitting on her assistant” and “driving Elizabeth to quit.” Before I could even defend myself, Shelby revealed she’d turned up my “history of inappropriate advances” from my last job.
So I took the verbal rebuke, told her she had nothing to worry about, and returned to my office to find a very smug Lauren, ready to order me about.
I needed to look for another job, but what if there was nothing nearby?
Bas announced it was time to eat, and I forced myself to focus on the present. Today was a necessary respite, with friends, with good food, and with a second chance to make things right with Elizabeth.
We spent the next hour complimenting Bas, making jokes, complaining about the necessity of work, and just enjoying good company.
Once the dessert plates sat empty before us, Chelsea excused herself to call her mom, and I started clearing the table with Elizabeth’s help. The faster we cleaned up, the sooner we could leave, and I wanted to take advantage of my free evening to finally spend time with Elizabeth.
As we loaded the dishwasher, I said, “You wanna go for a walk through town? I bet it’s pretty all covered in snow.”
She nodded. “Yeah. I need to work off this heavy meal anyway. Let me check on Chelsea, then we can head out.”
As she ducked out, Bas peeked in and said, “Leave it. You’re never going to Jenga all those dishes in there.”
He clearly wanted us gone so he could reap his rewards. He’d worked hard to break down Chelsea’s walls, and if this feast didn’t prove how much he cared for her, she was probably a lost cause.
“Oh, shit,” Bas said, glancing into the living room. His face transforming from giddy anticipation to concern, and he disappeared from the kitchen.
Curious, I grabbed a dish towel and craned around the doorway.
A diorama presented itself. Chelsea leaned against Elizabeth, tears running unchecked down her cheeks, and Bas hung back a step, like this was a hostage negotiation.
Chelsea pressed her fists to her temples, sobbing, “I’m a complete disaster of a human being.”
“You’re not a disaster.” Bas kept his voice calm, safe. “You’ve survived a horrific situation, and you’re still kind and funny and loving.”
I had no idea what had happened, but I guessed it had something to do with that phone call.
“You don’t even know me, Bas.” She sounded so defeated, like she was giving into the inevitable. “I’ve only shown you what I wanted you to see.”
Bas, bless him, pressed on, ever optimistic he could defuse the situation. “We all put forward a public image, but I think you’ve let me see past that. I think I’m getting to know you.”
“You don’t understand.” She lifted her eyes, and I could tell she was ready to detonate.
“I haven’t been real with you. I’ve been pretending to be someone I’m not, testing out a version of myself who could handle a romantic relationship.
But I failed the test. And I think the experiment has come to an end. ”
“What do you mean?” His voice cracked. “Are you giving up?”
“I warned you on day one that I’m incapable of a real relationship.” She pointed to herself. “This is why.”
Shit, was this what it looked like when a time bomb exploded?
I couldn’t even judge because hadn’t that been me Saturday night?
Remembering my own humiliating meltdown, I dropped back into the kitchen to give them some privacy.
I had issues with Chelsea, but I didn’t wish this on her.
Especially since it was only by the grace Elizabeth had granted me that I stood here.
I wondered if Bas would survive a breakup that everyone but he had seen coming a mile away.
When the door slammed, I peered out to find Elizabeth and Chelsea on the sofa with no sign of Bas. Elizabeth snapped her eyes at me significantly and jerked her head toward the door. I tiptoed behind them, grabbing up my jacket on the way.
“You need to call Dr. Rubin,” Elizabeth said. “I love you, but I’m not qualified to heal you. Promise me you’ll call her tomorrow.”
It struck me how generously Elizabeth lent emotional support, shouldering Chelsea’s trauma and now mine. While I’d been chiding Bas for chasing after a million red flags, had Elizabeth done the same? Was I bad for her?
Hadn’t she said I was just like Chelsea?
The door posed an interesting problem, but I slowly turned the handle and managed to slide it open without much noise. When I looked back, Chelsea was staring into her wineglass, looking a little calmer, but still wrecked.
“I’ll call her.”
Elizabeth poked her. “Maybe we should go to yoga tomorrow.”
That got a weak laugh out of Chelsea, but she only sounded sad when she said, “I don’t think anything on the list is going to make this hurt less.”
“Have you tried forgiveness?”
Chelsea’s laugh sounded so bitter. “My parents have never expressed remorse.”
“I wasn’t talking about them. It’s time you stopped beating yourself up. You’re worthy of love, too.”
I slipped out onto the porch and quietly pulled the door closed, Elizabeth’s last words hitting me like a derecho, just blowing straight through all my core beliefs and making me realize all this time, I’d been looking for apologies from others, but I’d never asked if I deserved forgiveness myself.
I could never believe I was worthy of Elizabeth or anyone, so I kept looking for proof her interest in me had all been a lie. Because who could love me?
I walked toward Elizabeth’s house, thinking she’d come back home eventually, but when I dropped onto her porch to wait, my phone lit up.
Kyan started speaking as soon as I connected. “Hey, you’ll never guess who’s here.”
I took a shot anyway. “Aidan?”
“Nope.” He chuckled, and I could hear murmuring sounds and other noises in the background. “She walked right into the bar, and I thought she looked familiar.”
“Who? And why are you at work?”
“This stupid restaurant prides itself on being the only place open on Thanksgiving. We get all the lonely hearts with nobody to love.” A beat. “No, I wasn’t talking about you,” he said, a little muffled.
“I’m hanging up, Kyan.” I hated games like this. “Just tell me.”
“Spoil sport.”
“Kyan.”
“Okay! Lizzy Grant stopped in for a drink.”
“Lizzy’s there?”
“Yup. I told her you’d been trying to reach her, and she said, ‘Yeah, what’s up with that?’ so I kind of filled her in.”
I groaned. “Well, that’s great. Tell her I said hi.”
“No, but that’s why I’m calling. You can come say hello yourself. She’s got about an hour before her family starts to notice she’s missing, but she’d like to see you. Can you swing by?”
I stared at my shoes. About a month ago, I would have loved an opportunity to talk to her, but after seeing Vicky, then losing my shit, then watching Chelsea burn down everything Bas had tried to build with her, I was so emotionally raw, I didn’t think it would be a great idea.
But then Kyan said, “She wants to apologize.”
I sat up straight. “What do you mean?”
“I dunno. You’ll have to come find out for yourself.”
Shit. “Okay. I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”
I typed out a quick text to Elizabeth to let her know I was going downtown and started the trek back toward where this had all started.