Chapter Thirty-eight
Evan
“Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.”
All’s Well That Ends Well
The woman across from me, sporting a camo jacket and cowboy boots, was a total stranger.
She tilted her head and appraised me too. “Thanks for coming out to meet me.”
“It’s so good to see you.” I stared at her, trying to figure out how I’d mistaken Elizabeth for this very different person. But much like that night, I had to accept this Lizzy was who she said she was.
“You’ve changed,” she said as if reading my mind. “You look good. Really good.”
Her voice sounded so familiar, a slight Virginian accent that reminded me of home, and as she spoke the ghost of the person I used to know crossed her features, and just like that, I could envision the girl she used to be.
I’d never gotten that click of recognition with Elizabeth, just a strong desire to believe.
“What did you want to talk about, Lizzy.”
She raised one heavily penciled eyebrow. “I go by Liz now, but I guess you can call me Lizzy. Everyone from home still does.”
Heat crept up my neck as I replayed the messages I’d written to Liz, just a few weeks ago, when I’d thought she was Elizabeth. “First, let me say I’m sorry that I weirded you out on chat.”
Her mouth twisted into a frown. “Yeah. I hadn’t thought about you in years. All of a sudden you were lighting up my phone.” She shook her head. “I’m sorry, but I’ve got a boyfriend, and he’d lose his shit if I was having a conversation with a male model.”
I ran a hand through my hair embarrassed by the compliment, trying to recall what exactly I’d said to her. How much of a fool had I made of myself? “I realize how creepy that must have been, but you have to know I wasn’t writing you. I mean, I thought I was writing you, but it wasn’t you.”
She shuffled in her seat, and I worried she might get up and leave if I couldn’t start to sound like a sane person. “Yeah. Kyan filled me in.”
I exhaled in relief. “Look, I’d also like to apologize for what happened years ago. It may sound weird or too little too late, but I blew you off—all of my old friends. I came to regret it faster than you’ll ever know.”
She flashed wide eyes. “Oh, I knew it.”
“You did?”
“Everyone knew, Evan.” She leaned in closer. “That’s actually why I wanted to talk to you.”
“Right.” I was glad she was giving me this avenue.
Before I could continue, she said, “And I’m really sorry for my part in that.”
“What? Why are you sorry?”
She looked down at her hands, clasped on the table. “Yeah, I was mad at you when you suddenly became super popular just for playing a sport. It was easier to think you’d become a jackass than to recognize you probably had your own problems, but high school sucked for a lot of us in different ways.”
I refrained from reminding her that she was apologizing to me.
She scrunched her face, then looked up at me. “I said some things about you.”
That stopped me cold. I was almost afraid to ask. “What kinds of things?”
“I was just bitter and venting.” Her expression tightened, and I braced for something painful. “Please remember this was a decade ago, and I’m no longer that person anymore.”
How many times had I thought the same thing to excuse my own terrible behavior. “Of course. I’m not going to get mad at you.”
“Okay. And also I didn’t really mean any of it, or at least not in a bad way.
Mostly, I was sharing stories of you from middle school, the dorky things you were into…
” She smiled ruefully. “I mean, those were things I actually really liked about you, but your new friends found it hilarious—in a bad way.”
“My new friends?”
“Yeah. I tutored a bunch of the popular kids, and they treated me better whenever I made fun of people, so I complained about how full of yourself you’d become. I didn’t think it would do any damage. I wasn’t intending for any of it to get back to you or hurt you, but I guess it did.”
“When was this?”
She shrugged. “I’m not sure. Sometime in the beginning of tenth grade. I only remember because right after that, a couple of them talked about taking you down a notch.”
I laughed nervously but my heart began to beat like I needed to get away. I clenched my fists, wishing I had something to crush or throw or punch. “Do you remember who?”
“Yeah. Vicky Carson and Meghan Watts.” She frowned. “I felt real bad about what I’d done, but I convinced myself you deserved it. I should have told you at the time. I’m sorry.”
“Thanks for telling me now. I probably did deserve it.” I wanted to be angry about all of that, but she’d only proved that Vicky had lied to me the other night, or maybe she’d forgotten the truth. Either way, it was a relief to have my memories validated, to expose the gaslighting.
“Then by junior year, you seemed to be doing okay anyway, so no harm, no foul.”
“You thought I was doing okay junior year?”
“Weren’t you? All I ever heard was what a ladies man you were. Someone told me you’d kissed every girl in the school.”
I hadn’t heard that one. It was one of the nicer ones. “And you believed that?”
“Well, you never kissed me, so either I got offended or knew it was a lie, but you didn’t seem bothered by your reputation.”
My stoicism had fooled someone at least. “I just knew it was useless to try to fight the bullies by that point.”
“I didn’t know you were unhappy. I guess that’s what school is, huh?”
“I just wish I’d made different choices. I really missed the old gang, and I missed playing in the band. I wanted to reach back out, but I figured you all hated me. Like everyone else.”
“Well, I guess you just wanted to try out being someone new, and I made sure you never could. Can you forgive me?”
“Let’s call it even.”
She exhaled. “Thanks. That’s real gracious of you. I’m glad we got this chance to clear some things up. I didn’t realize how much I needed to get that off my chest.”
“You have no idea how much it means to me that you did. I really needed to get a different perspective to make sense of my own history.”
All this time, everyone in my life, all the people I’d carried, they were just as human as me, fucked up in their own way. Another burden lifted from my shoulders. It felt like I’d been standing in the rain for years, and suddenly there was a break in the clouds.
Liz gathered her things. “I need to be going.”
I stood to follow her out, but when I turned toward the bar, I saw Elizabeth, and the sun came out.
“Hey, Liz. Could you stay just one more minute?”