Opening Up #2
When I talk to the team, they’re equally shocked and supportive. Guys see me afterwards to offer help and good wishes. Mats stays until the end.
I can’t believe you didn’t tell me anything, he says quietly.
I felt helpless. And there wasn’t anything you could about this.
Yeah, but sharing your problems can help you. I thought we had a breakthrough when we were talking at the airport. But that was only Level One in the enigma that is Vik Zelenko.
I chuckle. You’re the only one who’s passed Level One, though.
It’s dangerous in Ukraine, right? he asks.
I nod. There are missile strikes and drone attacks. The Canadian government warns against travel to Ukraine. We’ll have to fly to Poland and take ground transport from there.
Maybe you should settle anything you have on your conscience.
Mats’s wording is cryptic, but I know what he means.
I need to talk to Evie before I leave. I’ve wanted to talk to her all along but didn’t feel I deserved to.
Still, I should thank her before I go. At least I can satisfy my desire to see her once more.
I message her.
Can I see you? It’s really important.
When I don’t hear from her for an hour, I add, I know I don’t deserve your time, but please?
I pack, pace around my room, and still nothing.
Finally after dinner later, I hear back.
Sorry. I was in a study group. Come over any time.
Relief floods through me. She’s as generous as ever. And of course, Evie would never check her phone during school.
As I stride over to Humphrey Hall, I recall the different scenarios I had imagined for my apology to Evie. Imaginative ways to attain her forgiveness with special gifts or significant places. But now it all boils down to a few stolen moments before I have to leave.
Maybe it’s better this way. Evie shies away from the spotlight, and I would never put her in a public situation where she felt forced to forgive me.
All I have to offer is authentic emotion. I go up to her room and knock on her door.
Her roommate opens it partway.
Hi, Annie. Is Evie here?
Yes. But after everything you’ve done, I don’t think I should let you in. Her expression is fierce, but I stifle a laugh. It would take more than five-foot-nothing girl to stop me from seeing Evie.
I keep my reply mild. I wouldn’t have come here unless Evie said it was okay.
Annie, please let him in.
Just hearing Evie’s melodic voice soothes my soul.
Annie stands aside, and finally Evie is in front of me.
She’s sitting on her bed with textbooks open around her, in a navy top and loose overalls, her long hair pinned up.
She’s done nothing special for my arrival, yet her fragile beauty shines through.
As I get closer, I can see faint dark circles under her eyes and the straight line of her mouth instead of the delighted smile I used to get.
All of this is my fault, yet it still guts me.
How could I hurt someone I care so much about?
I sit at the end of her bed, Annie still glowering at me from her side of the room.
Thanks for seeing me, I begin. Evie watches me, expressionless and tense. I have two things to say. First, I’m so sorry for the way I treated you at that party. I was upset, but that was no excuse. I should have told you what I found out and let you tell your side of the story.
Evie bows her head down. My side? It was an awful thing to do to you, and I can’t apologize enough.
I wave a hand. Honestly, we don’t have to rehash all that. And you were right, it doesn’t matter how we came together, just that we did and how good everything was.
She winces at my use of the past tense, but it’s not like things are still good.
I lower my voice, because the next part is my hardest confession.
I did a lot of thinking over the holidays. I realized that I was afraid to tell you how much you hurt me because then you would know how much I care about you. How much power you have over me.
Her eyes fly up to meet mine, questioning.
If I could take back that night, I would, Evie. How many times in the past year have I wished for a time machine? First so I could stop Marko from returning to Ukraine. And now, so I could erase what a complete asshole I was with Evie.
What’s the second thing? she asks since I’ve been silent so long.
I want to thank you for what you did. Talking to your dad. I glance over at Annie, who is listening so hard that her ears are practically vibrating. About my brother.
She tilts her head. How did you know?
Because he called me yesterday with information. Did you not know?
Evie laughs. It’s not her full-bodied laugh, but a dry chuckle. My father operates on a need-to-know basis, and I’m clearly not in the loop. But then she leans closer, forehead creased in concern. Was it good news?
Yes, the best. I’m flying out there tomorrow. Then I frown. Shit. I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone where I got the information, but I assumed that you knew.
Don’t worry. I won’t tell, pipes up Annie.
Evie rubs her forehead. Obviously, the family need for secrecy is deeply ingrained. Maybe we should go down the hall and see if the lounge is empty.
Oh. I’ll go, offers Annie. I just wanted to make sure he wasn’t being a jerk again. She grabs her phone and laptop and disappears.
Finally, we’re alone. But I haven’t yet earned the right to touch her, as much as I long to. Still, I edge closer.
Marko might be part of a prisoner exchange. My dad and I are going. I’m driving to the airport tonight.
Evie’s hand settles on my forearm. The warmth of her touch gilds me. You know about the condition of prisoners, right?
Yeah. There was a kid I used to play with in Horodok.
He joined the army and was taken prisoner.
When he came back… He had aged from a young man to someone hollow and damaged, both physically and psychologically.
At the time, I wondered if death would have been better than his living hell.
But now I understand that life is so much better.
We can deal with Marko’s problems once he is found. If he is found.
She squeezes my arm. I just wanted to make sure you were prepared.
Thank you for asking your dad. When did you do it?
Oh, while I saw him at Christmas. It wasn’t something I could do on phone, she replies.
So, after everything I did to you, you still did that for me? It’s her unending kindness I can’t get over. How undeserving I am of this woman’s generosity.
Now she puts her hands on top of mine. I luxuriate in the feel of her warm skin against mine.
Viktor, I felt awful about what I did to you.
You trusted me—and you don’t trust easily—and I betrayed that trust. I should have told you earlier, but I was afraid.
Afraid that I’d lose you. But you were wrong that night.
Everything between us was real. Yes, I got help in looking better, or looking more like everyone at Monarch, anyway.
But our shared interests, how much I admire you, even the way we’re so sexually… compatible, all of that is genuine.
You shouldn’t feel guilty about that. I’ve been thinking about how we met—the first time, in the library—I liked you the moment I saw you. But it took the Revenge Squad to get you interested in me.
Evie considers my revelation, then laughs. That’s ridiculous. You’re Viktor Zelenko, and I’m just a freshman nobody.
You’re not nobody. You’re kind, extremely intelligent, and one of the strongest people I know. I pull the sunflower out of my pocket. And a damn good crafter.
She blinks at the flower. I wasn’t sure if you’d like it.
I squeeze her hand. It’s the most inspiring gift I’ve ever received.
Evie smiles fully.
I bow my head. The past twenty-four hours have brought all my emotions to the surface, awakening feelings I’ve suppressed for years. Getting the news of my brother. Baring my soul to my coach and my team. Feeling everyone’s support and caring. And now Evie.
Can I hold you? I ask.
She smiles at me, her eyes liquid. Didn’t I once give you blanket permission? she asks.
Yes. But I thought I blew that.
She slides closer. I pull her onto my lap and wrap my arms tightly around her. I relish the feel of her soft body against mine, but for once it’s not sexual. I absorb the strength of the most resilient woman I’ve ever met. She leans her head against my shoulder, and I breathe in the scent of her.
The words burst out of me like they need to be concrete in the world. I love you, Evie.