20. Olivia #2
“Wasn’t always my strong suit, no. Math was hard.
Is hard… But after…” Momentarily, he stops, rolling his lips together.
Every ounce of humor gives way to longing and grief, especially when his gaze shifts to me.
“After we lost you, I threw myself into learning more and distracting myself from your absence.” He darts his eyes toward the table.
“I was lost without you. I had them, but…” He shakes his head.
“We all lost the right path when we buried you.”
Emotions twist JJ’s earnest expression. There’s something in his eyes when he talks about losing me. Something that can’t be faked. Not with him. JJ was always the sincerest. He felt everything fully. No matter his gang-life status. No matter what Franco had him do.
But are his emotions true?
My head hurts.
“So, why criminal justice?” His soft voice breaks through my thoughts, bringing my attention back to him.
Can I trust him? Absolutely not. But I feel like I have to give something to get something.
Tit for tat and all that. If JJ is going to get me into their gang, I need to take a crazy leap and momentarily put my trust in him.
Even if every molecule in my body revolts, begging me to stop and run away.
But I’m done running away from this. Done being scared to face them. For the sake of my job and my sanity, I have to put that all in the past, raise my chin, and fucking pull the trigger.
I take a deep breath. Here goes nothing.
“Because every bad man in my life hurt me. Locked me away. Held me down. They laughed in my face when I begged for mercy. So I became the mercy so many people need.” I stare directly into his eyes as I tell my story in as few words as possible.
JJ nods knowingly, rising from his seat as I watch his every move.
“You asked me earlier where I have to be…” He trails off.
“There’s a closed party at the casino. A meeting of global kings for alliance purposes.
I have to go now.” There’s a reluctance in his voice when he takes a few steps with his coffee cup in his hand.
“Tonight, we discuss our initiation picks with Franco.”
“Okay,” I say, abruptly standing at the news of so many important men being in town. So many questions roll around in my skull. “And you’ll…”
“I’ll put my vote in for you. I’ll make sure you’re in with the others.
I can tell it’s important to you, and I hope one day, you’ll trust me enough to tell me why, Olivia.
” A deep longing falls from his lips and sparkles in his eyes as he steps around the table and brushes a finger down my cheek. “Until next time, okay?”
An unwanted shiver works through my body. “Tomorrow, right?” I ask, confirming this hell he’s determined to put me through.
He nods. His deep brown eyes plead with me as his fingers swoop down my jaw and trace the burns on my face.
“Do you have any idea what you’re signing up for?” he softly asks. “What you’ll have to do to join us?”
“No,” I say simply, getting lost in the sensations I have no right to get stuck in. “Whatever it takes…”
He takes a step back, leaving me blinking several times and coming back to myself as the heat of his touch lingers on my flesh.
“You will,” he breathes, digging in his pocket. “I brought this for you,” he whispers, dropping a heavy object onto my palm.
“JJ.” My breath catches in my throat as the gleaming bracelet rests in my hand. A long-forgotten object I thought was gone for good. “How?”
“It seems you weren’t the only thing that survived the fire.”
It’s all he says before walking out the study room door and heading through the stacks of books without looking back at me or taking in the rogue tear that slides down my cheek.
Fuck.
I run my fingers over the cool metal of my old charm bracelet. Every charm is still there. The lighthouse that glows in the dark, next to more lighthouses of different colors and lengths.
“To remind you that you shine. That you’re the lighthouse I look to in the darkness that brings me back from the terrible shit happening.”
The same bracelet JJ gifted me on my birthday after sneaking me out of my room. The same bracelet I never had a chance to fill with more than five charms from JJ.
Without overthinking everything that’s happened, I put it into my pocket, grab the coffee and donuts, and exit the room with my chin held high.
I may not have gotten very far with JJ and my questions, but those can wait until tomorrow.
Or the next day. I have time to figure this all out and get my head on straight.
JJ obviously wants to be my ally in this and keep my secret.
Well, for now. I can’t be too sure how long he’ll hold his tongue.
So I need to make the best of this situation.
As I walk back through campus, silence greets my ears as the wind blows slightly through the trees decorating campus. It seems all my peers have run off for the evening.
Or perhaps they’re at the party.
Simon: Meet me at the party!!! *Picture attached*
I smile at Simon and a man I recognize from the graveyard party. They spoke while I was occupied with Waffles. It seems they’ve started without me.
Oli: I’ll be there soon. Just got out of tutoring.
I tuck my phone away as I make it up to my room with a sigh. Reaching behind me, I switch my new lock and finally breathe for the first time in over an hour.
I lean my head against the door, drop the bag of donuts, and set the coffee cup on the ground, taking gulps of breath as my heart pounds in my chest. I grip the bracelet in my pocket and play with the charms. This is all so wrong.
Everything about this mission. I’ve never felt so overwhelmed and out of my element.
My brain is so damn messed up from JJ and the rest of it.
He acts like he truly doesn’t know or understand why I’m so upset. Like he doesn’t remember claiming my life by holding me down.
It doesn’t make sense.
None of it does.
I can’t wrap my head around the facts being laid at my feet.
Maybe…
I shake that thought out of my mind, collapsing on my bed face-first, flinging my stupid glasses on the ground, and groaning loudly into my pillow.
God, it smells oddly good. It must be that Head and Shoulders Jordy left for me to use.
After several controlled breaths, I turn my head and stare at Dane’s empty bed.
My stomach sinks at the thought of his grieving family coming into our shared space and taking his things.
Fuck. Long gone is the box he put there, and his dresser drawers are wide open.
Every piece of Dane is gone from the room.
Even the storage closet is empty of the few things he placed in there.
It’s like he was never here at all. Granted, he didn’t spend a lot of time here.
He was always with Gemma, his girlfriend.
It’s so eerie how someone can exist one day and cease to exist the next. Life is so precious and fragile.
Here today. Gone tomorrow.
Much like me.
That’s another piece of the puzzle I need to put together. Why Dane? He wasn’t even a scholarship student. An asshole, yes. It’s something I need to investigate more and figure out what the hell is happening around here. Besides, Franco and his stupid gang. Or Malic, Wilder, and his.
There are too many goddamn problems in this city for only me to figure out, but I’ll do it. I’ll throw my everything into it and give it my all. Like I always do.
No matter how hard it is.
With a groan, I roll off my bed, retrieve my glasses, and put them on again.
Standing tall, I peer around my room one last time before I walk out as Oliver again.
Even though I want to stay here, cuddle in bed, and never leave again.
But I have to keep playing my part. Even with my heart shuddering in my chest, my mind is whirling with all the possibilities.
As I close the closet door, my gaze catches on the bag of donuts and the lukewarm coffee JJ got me as a gift. Could he have poisoned them? Doubtful. Maybe? Probably not.
Reaching down, I collect a donut out of the bag, and my mouth waters at the smell.
I take a giant leap of faith by taking a small bite before heading out to the party to meet Simon and his newest boyfriend, Daniel.
Thank God I’m Oliver and not Olivia tonight, or I’d have to actually put in an effort into my appearance.
Huh. Maybe being Oliver has its advantages in that department. All I need are my glasses, my contacts, some baggy clothes, and bam! I’m Oliver.