Chapter 6
Sean
Every time I feel like I'm making progress with Gina, I say something stupid and it pushes her away even further.
I thought bringing her back here to the place where we were so happy might help us reconnect, but it’s only made her more distant.
I find her leaning against the bike, her arms folded and her mouth drawn in a thin line. She looks cross, and I don’t really understand why.
“What’s the matter, love?”
“It’s dragging up these old memories, Sean. There's no point to it. I've moved on.”
Her words cut like a knife to the chest. Because I haven't moved on. I've spent seven years on the run and hiding, and the only thing that kept me going was the thought of coming back here and claiming my woman. Although now that I’m here, I'm not doing a very good job of it.
“We've both moved on,” she says.
She throws her arms up in frustration, and I have a realization: There’s something I’m missing. Something happened that I don’t know about.
“There's something else, isn't there?”
She looks away, and I know I’m right.
“What happened, Gina? Tell me. Maybe I can help fix it.”
Gina stares out to sea for a long time, and I think she's going to talk. Instead she just shakes her head slightly.
“Take me back to the clubhouse, please.”
I don't know what it is that's wrong with her, but it’s eating me up inside. I know there’s no point pushing, so reluctantly I drive her back, brooding the whole way.
As soon as I pull up outside the clubhouse, Gina’s off the bike and crossing the pavement to get inside.
She passes Gage who holds a little bundle up to her, a wide grin on his face.
“Olive, meet Auntie Gina.”
Gina gives the new baby a quick look but continues inside. Gage looks put out, but only for an instant. As soon as he sees me, he holds up the squirming bundle.
“This is my little girl,” he says proudly.
I take the baby from his arms. Her pink skin is baggy like she hasn’t grown into it yet, and her face is screwed up in a toothless wail. She’s a shriveled up little thing, but the way Gage is looking at his newborn, you’d think she was the most beautiful creature alive.
I make cooing noises at the baby, but I’m distracted by Gina.
Gage has been around the club for a long time, and he and Gina went to school together. He knows her better than anyone.
“Do you know what happened, man? Do you know why Gina hates me so much?”
He gives me an odd look. “Aside from the fact that you broke her heart?”
I get the feeling not all of the guys have forgiven me for how I left Gina. Even if they understand why.
“Did something else happen, something I don’t know about?”
If she hooked up with someone, I’ll lose my mind.
He shakes his head slowly. “Nah, but she gave you the best years of her life.” He says that like it should mean something, but I still don’t understand.
He’s always been smart, Gage. I’m not surprised to hear he writes books. Although I am mildly surprised to hear that he writes romance, or romantic suspense as he takes great pains to clarify.
“Ever since we were kids, Gina wanted babies. She’s watched everyone around her start a family. She hides it well, but I imagine that’s a hard thing to see.”
The baby turns toward the sound of Gage’s voice and reaches her tiny fingers out for him. I hand her back to her proud daddy, and suddenly I see how vulnerable that child is, how the scrunched up face is kind of cute.
Maybe that’s what I took from Gina. The chance to have a family.
Well, if that’s all it is, I can still give her babies. I can give her a whole house full of babies. We can start straight away.
“Thanks, man.” I slap Gage on the back, but he's already looking lovestruck into the face of his baby girl.
I head to the bar, and there’s a big lad with sandy blonde hair pouring himself a drink.
“You got any Irish whiskey?”
Lyle grins at me. He’s one of the newer guys, ex-military, and seems like a solid sort.
“Bruno brought it in especially for you.”
He pours out a glass and I knock it back, the fiery heat settling in my belly. Then I grab another glass and head upstairs.
I don't know if I'm smothering Gina. But I've waited too long for her, and I'm not going to give up easily.
I knock on the door, and after a few moments she opens up.
She sighs when she sees me, but the tension from earlier has left her.
“You don't give up do you, Sean?”
“I brought you a drink.” I hold up the bottle and two glasses, giving her my best cocky grin.
She's got her hands on her hips and she eyes me wearily, but then she crooks her head, indicating me to follow her inside the room.
These are the basic rooms of the clubhouse. There's just a bed and a little table with two chairs. I take a seat, and I pour out two glasses.
She knocks hers back quickly and almost chokes.
“Christ, I haven’t had a whiskey in years.”
“You want another?”
She hesitates before answering. “Go on then. The burn is nice.”
I know what she means. There’s nothing like whiskey to warm you up.
As she sips her second drink slowly, I watch her closely. There’re lines around her eyes that weren't there before. The years have been kind to Gina, but they've also taken a toll. I detect a sadness about her.
I wait until she finishes her drink, and I pour the next one before I say what I came to ask. I figure if she’s a little tipsy she might open up to me.
“Why did you not meet another man? I hate the thought of it, and it used to drive me wild with jealousy thinking about you being with someone else. But I also wanted you to be happy. I didn’t want you to be alone.”
She finishes her drink, and her cheeks have a pink flush to them.
“It was hard for me, Sean, when you left. I understand why you had to leave. I really do. These things come with club life. But that didn't make it any less painful. I didn’t want to risk my heart again.”
Something doesn’t add up. Plenty of people get their hearts broken. Gina’s a passionate woman. I can’t believe she wouldn’t want to find someone else, as much as I’m glad she didn’t.
“You always wanted babies, Gina, and it saddens me that you haven’t had that.”
She looks up at me sharply, and there’s pain behind her eyes. I put my hand gently on hers.
“Tell me what happened, love.”
I move my thumb, gently tracing the delicate lines of her hand and willing her to open up. After a few moments, she lets out a long sigh as if bracing herself. She looks me in the eye, and there’s sadness there, and pain.
“I was pregnant when you left, Sean.”
The words are like a shock wave to my heart. I can only gape at her, speechless.
“A few days after you left, I found out I was pregnant.”
I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut. Gina was pregnant, and I left her. The woman I love was pregnant, and I left. No wonder she hates me.
“Where's the baby?”
Gina shakes her head slowly, tears pooling in the corners of her eyes.
“I lost it, Sean. I miscarried. It bled right out of me.”
Miscarried. The word is like a concrete block pushing on my chest. She went through this without me.
I push the chair back and pace the room.
“Why did no one tell me?” My MC brothers should have told me something like this.
“Because nobody knew. There was so much going on at that time. Everyone was worried about you. The cops were harassing us, the Reapers were on our asses. I wasn't going to bother anyone with my problems.”
“Shit, Gina, I would have come back. I would never have left you alone with a baby.”
“You would have ended up inside.”
“I don’t care. I would have been there for you.”
She shakes her head sadly. “I know. That’s why I didn’t tell anyone. I was going to leave the club. Go away somewhere to have the baby. I knew if you knew about it, you’d come back for us. And that couldn’t happen.
“The bleeding started one night when I was working the bar downstairs. I kept having to run to the bathroom and watch our baby bleed out down the toilet. Knowing I couldn’t tell anyone, I stuffed a pad in my underwear and kept working. It was the worst night of my life.”
The thought of Gina going through that alone makes my whole body feel heavy. I sink to my knees in front of her, trembling. Hating the fact that I was oblivious to it all.
“Didn’t you tell anyone then, see a doctor?”
She shakes her head. “Women lose babies all the time, Sean. It was only about seven weeks along.”
What she’s telling me is devastating. The thought of Gina all alone and losing our baby makes my heart hurt in new ways.
“I’m so sorry I wasn’t here for you, Gina. I’m so sorry you went through that alone. How about any of the other girls? Did you tell any of them?”
“There was no one I was close to. I’d been so caught up with you that I didn’t have any female friends. I worked a lot because I was getting money together to run away, because I knew if anyone found out I was pregnant, they’d tell you and you’d come back for me.”
She's not wrong. If I knew she was carrying my child, I would have moved heaven and earth to be here for her. I would have risked a life sentence for her.
Instead, Gina was alone, and she bled out our baby all alone.
“I’m so sorry this happened to you.”
I enfold her in my arms, and she leans into me. I rub her back, wanting to comfort her, but it doesn’t feel like enough. I’ll never make up for not being there when she needed me.
“I was so lonely, Sean. I was so scared.”
Her body starts to heave as tears fall down her cheeks.
All the years I’ve known Gina, I've never seen her cry. Now the tears slide down her cheeks, tears that she’s kept back for the last seven years.
And they're not delicate tears either. They’re big wracking sobs. Snot drips from her nose, and her mascara runs down her cheeks. It’s messy and raw and makes me love her all the more.
“I’m so sorry,” I whisper over and over again, knowing it will never be enough.
We don’t talk anymore; I just hold her as she lets all the hurt and anguish out. Everything she’s been holding inside for the last seven years.
I don’t know if it’s the whiskey, or the confession, or the hurt that’s finally being shared, but eventually she sags against me, exhausted.
I help her into bed, peeling her shoes off and tucking her under the blankets.
“I’m glad you told me, love, and I'm so sorry. I can't change what's happened. But I can promise you that from now on you’ll never be alone. I never stopped loving you, Gina. I thought about you every single day since I left. It’s you I’ve come back for.”
She squints up at me, her eyes raw from crying.
“Once I got over the shock of it and the pain and the heartache and the loss and the grief, I promised myself I'd never let a man get close to me again. It’s too risky, to lose a man and a baby within a few weeks. I couldn’t go through that again.”
I hate that she made that vow to herself, that she was so damaged and broken. I take her hand in mine.
“I’ll stick around, I promise. Now go to sleep.”
Her eyes flutter shut, and she leans back on the pillow. I keep her hand in mine until her breathing gets steady and regular.