Chapter 8
Gina
My head's throbbing when I wake up, and my mouth’s bone dry. I don't know if it’s from the whiskey or dehydration from crying so much.
Telling Sean about the miscarriage was like a weight lifting off my shoulders, and making love to him felt like part of that release.
It was lovely and tender and everything I remember. I feel lighter and like maybe, just maybe, there’s a chance for us.
I roll over, wanting to snuggle into him, but the other side of the bed’s empty.
“Sean?”
I lift myself onto my elbows so I can see all the corners of the room. But he’s not there. I try not to be disappointed; he must have gotten up before me is all.
My phone pings with an incoming message and I grab my phone eagerly, hoping it’s Sean. But it’s from Gage asking if I’m coming down to the office today. We’re meant to be going over the accounts.
I check the time and gasp when I see it’s almost 10 o’clock. I never sleep this late, ever.
I send Gage a quick reply and head to the bathroom.
Sean must have slipped out and left me sleeping. I ignore the niggling feeling in the pit of my stomach. I’m sure there’s an explanation.
There's a glass on the vanity and I take a long drink of water, the cool liquid soothing my throat and clearing my head.
I haven't cried like that in years. I haven't allowed myself to. I feel lighter. I didn't know how good it would feel to share that burden. To tell Sean about the baby and about the loss. To collapse into his arms and let him soothe me.
No one has cared for me like that in a long time. I'm usually the one caring for everybody else. It felt so nice to share my burden, to have someone look after me for once.
I put the glass down and stare at my reflection in the mirror. I barely recognize myself. Mascara lines stain my cheeks, and my eyes are clogged with gunk from all those tears.
I push my fingers up my cheeks, moving the skin of my face around. There’re lines around my mouth that weren’t there a few years ago and a darkness that's perpetually smudged under my eyes.
When did I get so old looking?
I turn my head from side to side, looking for the carefree girl I used to be. Somewhere over the years, she vanished inside of me. I'll be thirty-four next month, and it feels like life is passing me by.
But maybe it doesn't have to be that way.
Maybe Sean coming back is a second chance. A chance to have all those things I dreamed of when I was a young girl. A good man, a home of our own, and lots of babies.
Plenty of women have children later in life these days. Thirty-four isn’t too old, is it?
But I’m getting ahead of myself. It was one night with Sean, and I’m already planning a family with him.
I laugh at myself, but I can no longer deny the feelings I have for Sean. The feelings that I’ve always had for him.
Maybe, just maybe, it's worth taking another risk. Because otherwise I'm going to be looking in the mirror in another seven years wondering what could have been.
I have a quick shower and throw on some clothes. Now that I’ve made up my mind, I want to tell Sean, tell him that I do want to give us another chance. That I think we can make it this time.
Sean’s room is the one next to mine, and I knock softly on the door. When there’s no answer, I knock again, louder this time. When there’s still no answer, I push open the door.
“Sean?”
Light streams in the window, and the bed’s made up neatly. There’re no bags. There's no clothing strung over the chair. Or any sign of Sean. I try the door to the shared bathroom, but he’s not in there. I even open the door on the other side that leads through to my room.
But he's gone. Sean’s gone, and so have his bags.
I sink onto the bed. What a fool I’ve been. I let him charm me again, won over by his kind words and cocky smile. And now he's got what he wanted and he’s left.
Fresh tears sting my eyes, but I don’t let them fall. I won’t cry for him anymore.
I can't believe I've been so foolish a second time.
I spend the rest of the day catching up on work in the clubhouse. Sean's not there either. And Gage tells me he saw him leaving this morning, and he hasn’t been back.
I try to convince myself that he’s not left for good, that he wouldn't do that to me again. But no one knows where he’s gone.
I get a call from the plumber to tell me that the water’s back on. I don't feel like hanging around the clubhouse, so once we’ve finished with the accounts, I pack my bags and head back to my place.
My apartment feels empty after the hustle and bustle of the clubhouse. I drop my keys on the counter, letting the silence engulf me.
I wasn't made to live alone. I like being surrounded by people. But somehow, life doesn't always turn out how you want.
I check the cupboards and find instant noodles stuffed at the back. A single woman’s pantry. But I don’t have any groceries, and I don’t feel like cooking anyway.
I’m making a cup of tea when I hear the sound of a bike. My stupid heart thumps louder in my chest when I see it’s Sean.
I pull open the door just as he reaches my doorstep, blocking his way with my body. I'm not going to let him come inside and fool me again. I'll not fall for his Irish charm and cocky grin.
“I'm sorry I wasn't around today, Gina.” He’s smiling, and I have to look away or I’m going to get taken in by his easy good looks. “I had something important to do.”
“You've always got something important to do, Sean.”
It comes out bitter, and he takes a step back.
“There's nothing more important to me than you, Gina. Now that I'm back, I intend to stay.”
I eye him warily, not sure what I can believe anymore.
“Why did you take off this morning, Sean? Why haven’t you messaged me all day?”
I hate the way I’m sounding like a nag, but after our history, I can’t help myself.
“I’ve got a surprise for you.”
“I’ve had enough surprises, Sean. I can't take this yo-yo-ing. Either you're here or you're not. I’m too old to play games.”
He puts his hands on my shoulders, and his touch is reassuring. But I step away. I cannot let this man get to me again.
“I am one hundred percent here, Gina. And I know it’s hard for you to believe me, so I want to show you something.”
He holds out a hand, and God help me, I take it. Maybe I’m stupid, but I want to believe in him so much that I want to believe that he’s going to stay. But it’s so hard for me to.
He leads me down the stairs to his bike.
“Are you going to take me to the dunes and try and seduce me again?”
“Would you be open to it?” he asks cockily.
My eyes are rolling before I can stop them. I should have known better than to get a serious answer out of him.
“Get on the bike, Gina. I've got something to show you. And then if you don’t want me, I’ll disappear. You’ll never hear from me again.”
“I wish I'd never laid eyes on you in the first place.”
But I’m joking, slipping into the easy banter we’ve always shared. Whatever happens between us, my time with Sean has always been the best time in my life. When I've felt the most awake, the most alive.
Not knowing if I'm leading myself to more heartbreak, I get on the back of the bike.
As we head out of town, I slide my arms around Sean’s waist and hold him tight. It feels too good, and I lean my head against the back of him. Even if it's the last time I do it, I vow I will enjoy this ride.
We take the Pacific Highway, and this time we go up the coast. There's a little bay we used to come to when we were together.
We used to dream about owning one of the cottages there.
The perfect place to start a family, close to the ocean and close to the road, the two things that the both of us love.
We turn in there now, and Sean slows the bike.
There's a row of houses along the beach, and we pull up in front of one that has a for sale sign out front.
“Come on.” He slides off the bike. “The real estate agent told me where to find the key.”
“You've already looked at this?”
A kernel of excitement unfurls in my stomach. Why is Sean showing me this house?
“Stop asking questions, Gina. Just come with me and tell me if you like it.”
I already know I like it. It’s perfect. My dream home, with a white brick wall out front and large shady orange trees in the garden. Honeybees buzz around a bright flower garden, and the scent of lavender hangs on the air.
Sean squeezes my hand as he walks me up to the front porch. He takes a key from under a potted plant and lets us in.
Polished wooden floorboards run all the way to an open plan living room and kitchen area, with French doors that lead out the back of the house to a large deck and backyard. Beyond the yard, there’s a path through the trees that leads to the sand dunes and ocean beyond.
I always wanted to live by the seaside. I can see us living here. A big yard for the kids, a walk to the beach. My heart’s racing with excitement, and I need some answers.
“Why are you showing me this place?”
“I’m thinking about buying it.”
“You can't be serious.”
“I’ve never been more serious. Do you like it, Gina? Could you live here?”
We’re on the deck now and I grab hold of a wooden chair, needing to ground myself.
I can imagine what it would be like watching our kids play in the garden. Coming back from the beach sunburned with salt on our skin.
“It's like we always dreamed about. A little cottage by the ocean. Just you and me. And our ten children.”
I snort laugh and turn to face him, ready to make some smartass remark, but my voice catches in my throat. Sean’s down on one knee, holding up a little box.
“Gina, we've wasted too much time and I don't intend to waste another minute. Will you marry me?”
He tilts the box up, and it's the most beautiful ring I've ever seen. A string of blood red rubies with a diamond in the center. But it's not the ring I care about. It's the man that's holding it. The man that my heart sings for, the man I never stopped loving.
The man who broke me once but still is everything to me. The man who has the power to give me everything I've ever wanted. A family, the house, but the most important thing is him. Only we’re not young anymore. Things are different now.
“I’ll be thirty-four next month, Sean. I don't know if I can still give you children.”
I twist my hands nervously, not wanting to look at him. “A woman’s fertility tapers off; it might be too late…”
Sean shakes his head, exasperated.
“Gina. You’re all I need. Of course, I'd love to have a family with you. But you, just you, are enough.”
Tears sting my eyes, and my heart opens.
I think about Sean and me when we were younger, how much in love we were.
I think about the loss of the baby and the heartache and loneliness of the last seven years.
And I think about the last few days, and how my body and soul have felt alive in a way that I had forgotten they could, in a way that I never thought I'd feel again.
“Yes, Sean. Yes, I’ll marry you.”
“Thank fuck for that, because my knees are killing me. You’re not the only one getting old, love.”
I’m laughing as he slides the ring on my finger and stands up, pulling me into his arms.
“Do you like the house?”
“It’s perfect. Absolutely perfect.”
“Good, because I've already put the deposit down.”
“You have not.”
“I have. Moved my stuff in and all. It’s vacant, so I thought it wouldn’t hurt to spend a few nights here.”
I slap him playfully. That’s the cocky man I know and love.
He spins me toward him and pulls me close so our bodies are pressed together.
“Well, this family isn't going to make itself. We’d better get started, especially as you’ve just pointed out that there’s not a moment to lose.”
“Sean, we can't do it here. This isn't our house.”
“It will be soon. But you're right.” I squeal as his scoops me up into his arms. “I’d better take you to the dunes.”
I'm a big girl and he staggers, making us both laugh.
“Do you want me to walk?”
“No. A man should be able to carry his future wife.”
I giggle as he sways and lurches under my weight. He’s panting hard when we reach the beach, and we both collapse onto the sand laughing.
It's a quiet cove with a handful of houses surrounding it. There’s no one around, but he pulls me into a dip in the dunes where no one can see us, just in case.
He kisses me then. It’s a full and passionate kiss awakening a deep yearning inside of me. Our bodies may be a bit older and creakier and our hearts a little scarred, but that just adds to the deep love we feel for each other.
Sean pulls his t-shirt off and lays it on the sand like a blanket. We tug off each other’s clothes until we’re both naked, enjoying the feel of the sun and cool sea breeze on our bare skin.
I straddle him and take my time sliding him slowly inside of me. As I sink down onto him, I feel a sense of peace that I haven't felt in a long time. I can finally put the past behind me.
He clasps my cheeks in his hands and we look into each other’s eyes, really seeing each other.
“I love you Gina, and this time I will never let you go.”
“I love you too, Sean.”
We make love slowly with the sound of the ocean breaking around us and the salt air gently skimming our bodies until we’re overcome with our needs, panting together until we both reach a climax. My nails dig into his shoulder as I try not to scream and give away our position in the dunes.
Lying on the sand afterwards, I feel something else I haven't felt in a long time. Hope. Hope for our future together, hope for this exciting adventure that we’re going on.
I’m opening my heart for the man that I love. That comes with a risk, but you don’t get anything in life without risk. And this time, I know we’ll make it.