19. Erased
19
ERASED
You can tell within five minutes if your interrogator is skilled or an amateur.
It only took three to determine Adrian and his crew have no clue what they’re doing. I’m not surprised, given their isolated bubble of criminal enterprise. It’s hard to develop effective torture skills when you only seem to practice on each other.
I squint at Julia through a swollen eye. Just like the last time our gazes locked, she wears a hard, unreadable expression. Watching from the other side of the room, she hasn’t said a word since following Adrian, Mama H, and Tyler into the hidden space at the back of The Shack.
Even that revelation was a disappointment. I’ve never been in a “hidden room” that was so ill-equipped to do what it was designed to do. They don’t even have a chair bolted to the floor.
“We’re going to ask you again. What’s your relationship with the McArthurs?” Adrian growls.
“Or what? Do you actually think you could do anything to me that’s worse than what they will? If they were here, they’d shoot me in the head themselves to keep me from talking.”
“Then help us, ” Mama H says, circling her son to approach me.
She searches my eyes as much as she can through the swelling.
“I don’t know what your endgame is, or how you ended up in this mess, but I can tell you’re a good person, Everett. Tell us what the McArthurs are up to. Let us help you.”
My snort laugh is met with another fist to the ribs from Adrian.
Fuck, that hurt.
I wheeze in a breath, my wrists throbbing from where they hang above my head. The cliché of this entire scenario might be the biggest torture of all. At least Merrick was creative. I was never bored when he was ripping me apart.
“What about McArthur’s link to the RLC? Was that even real or did you make it all up to fuck with us?” Tyler growls.
I can’t blame the guy for being mad about that. My lie did get him a few rough days in here as well.
“The RLC is a real organization. Their headquarters are up in Toronto. You should see?—”
My snarky response is cut off by another blow. This one from Tyler.
Fair.
Adrian’s follow-up probably isn’t.
My breaths are more labored now. Pain flares from a cracked rib and split lip. It feels like every part of my body is throbbing.
But pain doesn’t work the same for me as it does with others.
I was sculpted by it, conditioned to absorb it as strength instead of weakness. All they’re doing is feeding my resolve.
I steer my gaze from Tyler to Adrian and offer a bloody smile. “Your right hook could use some work, friend. Try driving from the hip.”
His eyes flash with rage as he lifts his arm to strike again.
“Stop!” Julia commands.
All gazes snap to her. It’s the first word she’s spoken, the first indication she has any interest in what’s happening.
She pushes away from the wall and moves forward with a stoic look. “Let me talk to him.”
“Julia…” Adrian warns. “That’s not a good idea. This bastard has manipulated you enough.”
She fires a glare at him. “Exactly. This isn’t just business for me.”
Ouch. That barb was meant for me. It’s the first blow that causes real injury.
I blink back at her, my insides twisting.
“Julia’s right,” Mama H says. “Everyone else out. Be careful,” she directs at her daughter, then casts a violent look at me.
“This is a bad idea,” Adrian grunts.
He’s silenced by a sharp look from his mother. “Out,” she barks, motioning toward the door.
Any remaining protests dissolve as the others follow her from the room, the heavy door slamming shut with an ominous click of the latch.
Julia’s gaze hasn’t left me since her surprise intervention. Now alone, she takes a few steps forward, but stays far enough back that I’m not a threat.
Or… maybe it’s not that at all.
In the dismal light, I see it’s not fear that’s keeping her away, but something else.
Her gaze runs over me, slow and penetrating. Lingers on the bruises, the blood, her favorite tattoos.
No, she’s not scared. I’m her canvas and she’s deciding what to do with me.
In the tense silence, we both know the real interrogation has just begun.
“How did you find out?” I say, meeting her gaze. “Was it Scarlett?”
Julia remains still, continuing a calculated appraisal that chills my blood. It’s more terrifying coming from her than McArthur. McArthur’s violence is opportunistic. A means, not the end, which makes it easy to predict.
Emotion is a fickle catalyst.
“You’re referring to Scarlett, your fiancée ?”
I flinch.
“You heard us,” I conclude, my stomach churning.
A flicker of hurt flares in her eyes. She still has feelings for me.
“I’m not going to ask if any of what happened between us was real,” she says in an even voice. “It doesn’t matter. Because as long as some of it was fake, you’re still a monster.”
Her words slice into me more than any knife ever has.
I avert my gaze, unable to bear the betrayal on her face.
“Look at me,” she cries, angry tears in her voice for the first time. “Look at me, Shaw!”
I force my eyes to hers. My heart cracks open.
A sob escapes her as she covers her mouth.
“Julia…” My voice is as broken as her expression.
Eyes clenched shut, she shakes her head.
We remain silent for a long time. I can’t guess what she’s thinking, but I know it would wreck me.
When she opens her eyes again, rage has mixed with the pain. She stalks toward me, eyes fierce.
“Do you have any idea how hard it was to tell my family you’re a traitor?”
She’s close enough that I can smell the crisp citrus scent of her shampoo.
“You can’t blame yourself,” I say quietly. “It’s not your fault. I’m an expert at what I do. They understand that.”
With a bitter cry, she slaps me.
Hard.
The sound echoes through the room, and I clench my jaw against the fresh burst of pain.
“You think that’s what made it difficult? You think it was a bruised ego?! That it’s some Hatfield and McCoy, Romeo and Juliet bullshit?! Ah!”
She covers her face with her hands, shattering before my eyes.
And it hurts. It fucking destroys me to watch her fall apart because of me.
Because I let myself love and be loved.
Because I selfishly accepted beauty and light and hope when I know I’m cursed to a life void of anything good.
“I loved you,” she sobs, tortured blue eyes searching mine. “Fuck, Shaw! I loved you so fucking much.”
Her arms slip around me as she cries against my bloody chest. The pressure on my bruised flesh burns, but not nearly as much as her salty tears.
I close my eyes, desperate to hold her. Hating the restraints that are keeping me from it.
“It was real, Julia. All of it. I swear to you. Every fucking feeling between us was real.” I feel her tense against me and force myself to continue. “But my heart, my soul, my life isn’t mine to give you. If I could, I would. I’d give you every single piece of me, but I can’t.”
She pulls back and lifts her watery gaze to mine.
“Because you belong to Scarlett?”
“Because I belong to Hell.”
She recoils, and the rest of my wall collapses.
I can’t do this anymore.
I’m tired of hiding. Tired of acting. Tired of being everyone but myself.
Just so fucking tired.
“Montgomery McArthur owns me, Julia. Mind, body, and soul. My present, my future… every damn thing. He owns me in ways he doesn’t even know he owns me.”
The truth crashes between us, scattering shards of our shattered reality.
“Every scar, every horrific thing I am and have endured, belongs to him. I would have let them kill me ages ago if I could. I’ve fucking longed for it. But someone I love will be hurt if I remove myself from his grasp.”
I tug at the restraints and blink back emotion of my own.
“This is my life, Julia. This is my fate. I will never ever be anything other than this. I knew the second I stepped into Undertow, I’d end up here. No matter what I do, where I go, what choices I make or don’t make, I always fucking end up here!”
End it. Please just end it. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to be this.
There’s nothing left of me worth saving.
Her eyes stay fixed on my hands stranded high above my head. I wonder what she’s looking at until she shifts to see the back of my left one.
Oh god.
Tears cloud her blue irises as she visually traces her favorite tattoo, the evidence she’s searching for. Proof that my reality is the lie. That the real man is trapped inside, but the truth is buried too deep to save us.
She swats the liquid away.
“In my suitcase,” I say with sudden urgency. Pieces of my soul are clawing up my throat. Tiny slivers screaming from the depths. “There’s a hidden compartment. Inside you’ll find the truth about who I am. You’ll find the part of me no one has ever seen. The part more dangerous and more deadly than anything your family can do to me.”
“The notebook,” she breathes out.
I nod, relief coursing through me. “Yes. The truth. My truth.”
She sucks in a breath as her eyes fill with warning. “Even if it confirms what you’re saying, it won’t change anything for them. You’re still a traitor. You’re still a McArthur spy. They won’t care why.”
I shake my head, frustrated. “I know. That’s not what this is about. I’m fucked no matter what. I just want you to have my words. It’s the only real piece of me I can give you. It’s literally all I am, Julia, and I want you to know me. I…”
Emotion thickens in my throat. Pain like I’ve never felt before.
“Please, Julia. I just need one person to know me before I’m erased. Just one fucking person.” My voice breaks. “ Please. ”
Tears burn down my cheeks. Salt and blood mix together in perfect harmony like they have for my entire damned life.
Her own break free as she reaches up to brush them from my face.
Her thumb moves over my bruised cheek as she searches my eyes in the silence. For the first time that I can remember, I let her look. No mask. No games. Just a broken man, damaged beyond repair. Polluted by evil I never chose.
“I loved you,” she whispers.
“I know,” I whisper back. “Being with you… It was the only time in my life I wanted to be alive.”
She chokes on a sob and clenches her eyes shut.
A scrape at the door sends her gaze back to mine in alarm.
“Read it,” I whisper. “ Please, Julia . Please just give me that. ”
I blink back more tears, silently begging her for this one gift.
I know I don’t deserve it after what I’ve done to her. I betrayed her more than I could ever betray another person because I destroyed something real. She should burn my words instead of read them, but there’s a reason I fell in love with this woman.
The door shoves open, and she steps back to a safe distance.
“Get anything?” Adrian asks her.
Tyler hovers behind him, chewing on a fingernail.
She glances at me, and I hold my breath.
Now’s her chance for revenge. I’ve just given her the one thing that could break me. The only thing that still matters.
“Nothing yet,” she says finally.
When she offers me a subtle nod, a piece of my charred soul slips free.
“Not surprised,” Adrian grunts. “Guess we’ll take another shot. You should sit this one out. Tyler wants a turn with him.”
Julia’s jaw tightens, but her expression gives nothing away.
“Yeah. I think that’s a good idea.” She crosses to the door. “I’m getting a drink at the house. Let me know how it goes.”