Undertow

20. Sentiment To Sediment

20

SENTIMENT TO SEDIMENT

“Shaw?”

I hear a word. A name. But it’s not mine. Or is it mine? What the fuck is my name, anyway? Does anyone know?

Pain radiates from every corner of my body. My heavy eyelids barely lift more than a sliver.

“Oh god,” the voice says, closer.

Soft hands lift my head, turn it slowly from side to side, but I still can’t make my eyes work.

“Julia?” I croak out.

She nods in the fractured light, and I swear there’s a sheen in her eyes.

“I found it. Just like you said. I found your words, Shaw.”

An airlock releases from my lungs. Distant commands from my brain tell my torn lips to curve into a smile.

“You…” I will my voice to obey. “Read it?”

“I did. It was… God, Shaw. Your words are so beautiful. How did you end up in this situation? Who are you?”

A laugh erupts from my chest, but the pain turns it into a choked gasp.

“I don’t even know anymore,” I force out.

Julia drags her arm over her eyes, and before I know it, the biting pressure on my wrists eases. I slump forward when the chains release, and she catches me to help me to the floor.

“What about…” I swallow another surge of pain. “The others?”

“They’re occupied for a while. You’ve given them plenty to keep busy.”

“I gave them nothing.”

“Exactly.”

I lean my aching head back against the wall and close my eyes. Each breath feels like a knife to the lungs.

“I’m going to help you off the island tonight,” Julia says urgently. “I don’t know who you are or why you’re involved in all of this, but I can’t let this go on. You just have to promise you’ll never come back to Undertow and stay out of our feud with the McArthurs.”

This time I do laugh, but it ends with an agonizing wince.

Julia’s eyes narrow into a glare. “I’m trying to help you, Shaw. Or whatever your name is. Is it really Everett Shaw?”

“No.”

“Then what is it?”

“I can’t tell you that for the same reason you can’t help me off the island.”

“I can! I’ll distract whoever is working the toll tonight and?—”

I lift my hand to stop her. “You can’t help me because your family isn’t the one I’d be running from. It’s not Hartford vengeance I fear.”

She quiets, pain filling her face as she scans my broken body. “The McArthurs?”

I close my eyes again. “They will never stop hunting me. And once they learn you helped me, they will never stop hunting you. Not to mention what your own family would do to you. Even if I could get away, I won’t be responsible for hurting you any more than I already have.”

“So what do we do? I can’t just leave you here to die.”

If only that were an option. I’d take death over anything else right now.

“Who’s Gramps?”

My eyes snap open. The compassion in her face slices into me.

I shake my head, heart racing.

“H-how do you know about him?” I finally manage.

“I found the phone as well. With the notebook.”

“Yes, but the passcode…”

“He called while I was reading.”

Panic erupts in my chest. Oh god. No, no, no.

“And you answered?” I’m too weak to keep the emotion from my voice.

She shrugs. “You wanted me to know you. I figured a call on your secret phone was part of the deal. So who is he? Because he didn’t seem to know much about your situation.”

My blood goes cold. “What did you tell him?”

Time stops as she studies my face. If she told him the truth, if he learns where I am, where I’ve been for these last two and a half years…

“I didn’t tell him anything,” she says finally. “I told him I was your girlfriend and mostly listened to him talk. He seems like a nice man, and he really seems to care about you.”

I exhale the stale air in my lungs. “He is. And he does.”

Her eyes narrow, frustration seeping in. “He thinks you’re studying at a university, Shaw. He went on and on about your classes and your roommate, and now me, the girlfriend he didn’t know about. He has no idea you’re chained up on an island in the Gulf. So again, who are you and why are you here? Nothing I’ve learned about you in the last six hours matches where we are now. You work for the McArthurs, but you’re afraid of them. You’re being tortured by us , but don’t want to flee. Your family has no clue where you are. What is going on?”

I wish I could answer that question. Any of those questions.

I wish I could end it all right here and now.

Julia’s blue eyes seek mine, so full of confusion, concern, pain. She still cares about me. I have no idea why, but maybe that means there’s hope.

Maybe I can finally end it.

“You can’t help me escape because there is no escape for me. The McArthurs will always find me and drag me back. You told me once that all you’ve ever wanted was to be free of this life. That’s all I’ve ever wanted too.”

She flinches, and I reach for her hand. I expect her to pull away, but our fingers entwine instead. I stare down at the smooth contours of her skin laced with the bloody carnage of mine.

“You saw it in my writing,” I say softly. “You saw the truth I’m hiding, how I long for freedom. Everything else about me might be a lie, but you know I’m telling the truth about that. Like you, I just want to escape. To be finished with this life. But the only way I’m free is if I can take them down once and for all.”

“Take who down?”

“All of them.”

She quiets and stares at me for a long time. I don’t know what she’s thinking, but I no longer have a choice. There’s only one path forward.

“All of them, as in…?”

“All of them.”

“My family too,” she says quietly.

“There’s no other way to be free,” I say gently. “You know that as well as I do.”

She closes her eyes. Her chest rises and falls with a deep breath. “How can I trust you after everything?”

“How can I trust you? We’ve both been lying to each other since the day we met. We live in a world of perverse distortion. I’ve spent my entire life hiding in a tattered notebook no one would ever see.”

Her blue gaze settles back on me.

“Maybe we can’t trust each other,” I continue. “Maybe we just have to decide if our selfish interests align enough to pursue the same objective. How much do you want to be free, Julia? Enough to take a chance on my truth?”

Her lips press together as she looks away. Her expression is unreadable as she wrestles with herself. After a long silence, her gaze lands back on me.

“Fine. Then, give me a reason to trust you,” she says.

“How?”

“Tell me what you have planned, and let me decide between joining you or killing you.”

Our eyes lock as her fingers tighten around mine.

I take a deep breath. “Okay.”

I ignore the pound of my blood.

She’s right. It’s the best way—the only way—and I’m so tired of this life. If it ends tonight, I’ll be okay with it.

“The engagement to Scarlett McArthur is real,” I begin, “but it has nothing to do with love. I was never given a choice and only received the news a few days ago. McArthur wants me under his thumb. He wants the RLC, and I’m his link.”

“And Scarlett?”

“Wants the only thing she couldn’t have.”

Julia’s expression falls, giving me another shred of hope.

“The wedding is scheduled for September second and the top members of the RLC will be in attendance.”

“How do you know?”

“I just do.”

“Shaw…”

“They’ll be there, okay? If you want to make a move, that will be your chance.”

“Chance for what?”

“You tell me. What do you want, Julia? Not Mama H, not your family— you . If I deliver the RLC and McArthurs to you, what would you do with them?”

She goes silent again.

Rain from a passing thunderstorm pounds the roof of The Shack. I do everything I can to remain neutral as she scans my face, my body, the blood on the walls and floor.

“I’ll answer your question after you answer one more for me,” she says finally. Her blue eyes lock on mine. “Where is your grandfather? Why doesn’t he know the truth about you?”

“He’s at a luxury retirement community in upstate New York. And…”

“And?”

I swallow hard and wrestle with the secret I’ve held onto for years.

“He’s not my grandfather,” I force out.

“He’s not?”

I shake my head. “He’s a former captain of the RLC who risked everything to try to save me.”

Julia gasps. “He was a member of the RLC?! Does that mean…? Shaw… Are you with the RLC?”

I meet her gaze, and she reels back. My hand feels cold without her.

There’s no reason to hide anymore.

“The RLC will be at the wedding, Julia. I know they’ll be there because I’ve spent the last two-and-a-half years following their orders to infiltrate the McArthur organization to make it happen. They have no intention of partnering with the McArthurs for control of Undertow, and they certainly have no intention of partnering with the Hartfords. They want this island for themselves. The McArthurs own me only because that’s what the RLC wanted. They sent me in and have been holding Gramps hostage to guarantee my cooperation. As long as I follow orders, he’s happy and safe in the luxury oasis they’re paying for. If I rebel or try to run away, they’ll kill him, or worse… Believe me, we’ve tried.” My voice cracks as I look away.

“You’ve tried to run away?”

Tears burn behind my eyes. Angry, frustrated tears.

“Twice, yeah,” I say quietly. “The first time, we managed five years on the run before they found us and dragged me back. The second time…”

I shudder at the memories of that empty hotel room. Waiting, waiting, waiting… for nothing.

Until, a threatening call. Vengeful arms. Months of hell on earth.

“So the McArthurs don’t know you’re with the RLC? That you’re here to hurt them , just like they sent you to hurt us? ”

I nod. “The McArthurs don’t know who I really am. I’ve been working my way up their organization for years. Doing everything they told me and being a good soldier, all on behalf of the RLC. I’ve been feeding the RLC information, performing counter missions against McArthur, whatever they tell me to do.”

“And if you don’t do what the RLC wants, they’ll hurt Gramps?”

“Yes.” I shift beneath her penetrating stare. “And if he knew what his freedom is costing me, he’d never allow it. He’d do whatever was necessary to remove their leverage and give me a better chance. He already gave up his life for me once. I won’t let him do it again.”

I wipe at the liquid in my eyes. “He’s the only person on this planet who cares about me, Julia. The only fucking person. I can’t lose him.”

Julia bites her lip, tears clouding her eyes as well.

“Not the only person,” she whispers.

I blink back at her, still in disbelief she can look at me like that after everything she’s learned. Maybe her own situation means she can understand mine in a way no one else could.

“I didn’t want to come to Undertow and seduce you in order to take down the Hartford organization,” I say. “I didn’t want to do any of the horrible things I’ve done over the last few years—my whole life, really. I don’t want to be this . I’ve never wanted to be what I am, but it was never a choice. My name was written in blood from the day I was born. I’ve fought as much as I could, but it wasn’t enough and I can’t do this anymore. I’m telling you all of this because I don’t care about the outcome. If you believe what I’m saying and want to execute me because of it, do it. If you don’t believe me and want to execute me for that as well, I’m fine with that too. Just please don’t return me to the McArthurs and RLC control. I can’t keep going on like this. I can’t be a monster anymore.”

The tears are dripping down my cheeks now, searing bloody cuts on their punishing path.

I wince when Julia cups my cheek and forces me to look at her.

“You’re not a monster, Shaw. You can’t be a monster. Not with those breathtaking words inside you.”

My throat closes as I search infinite beauty and undeserved love. How can she see good in someone as dirty as I am?

“My name is Jonah,” I say quietly.

Her eyes go wide. “Jonah?” She gasps and goes rigid at a thought. “Jonah… as in JD, the initials on your poetry?”

I nod and lower my gaze. “I needed one thing to be real, even if no one saw it.”

With a soft sob, she leans forward and draws me against her.

“You’re not a monster, Jonah.”

I close my eyes. More tears slip down my face and burn wounds that scream otherwise.

Jonah…

I haven’t heard that name in so long.

My arms tighten around her, absorbing this moment like a last breath.

Because it is, in so many ways. “Roman Shaw” is dead.

And I always knew Julia Hartford would be my end one way or another.