Chapter 15
Chapter Fifteen
Aria slipped on her sandals and put her hair up in a high ponytail.
Applying sunscreen, she looked in the mirror, letting the memories of the night before linger.
She was still conflicted about the feelings Alex had evoked in her and was not prepared for the onslaught of emotions that followed her home.
Longing, hope, guilt. All of them visited her mind in varying degrees throughout the night as she wrote.
Despite her conflicting emotions, she had written for hours until sleep finally overcame her, and she awakened with a smile on her face, ready to start again.
Ideas were flowing freely, and she had to keep grabbing her phone and jotting down notes so she wouldn’t forget them.
It was as if a secret door inside herself had been unlocked.
Her words finally freed, speaking them into the world now seemed as necessary as her next breath.
It was Sunday morning, and she planned to grab a quick breakfast and head to the beach to write. She needed a new perspective and going to one of her two favorite places in Positano was just what she needed.
She would visit the other soon. The thought of pine trees and orange blossoms was tempting, but today she needed sun, ocean, and sky. It had been several weeks since she’d been to the place she and Nicholas loved so much, and she promised herself she’d make the time soon.
Placing her journal, pen, sunglasses, and water in her beach bag, she headed out to her favorite coffee shop.
She sipped on an espresso, deep in thought as she drove toward the coast. The rich, almost chocolate taste made her wish she had bought a double. Making her way toward the beach, she hoped the early hour would mean solitude from the ever-growing onslaught of tourists.
Luckily, Aria found easy parking and a somewhat empty stretch of beach. Taking a deep breath of salty air, she grabbed her bag and pastry from the passenger seat and closed the door before leaning into her backseat to grab the blanket that she kept there.
After locking the car, she walked into the sand and took off her sandals, letting the cool sand squish between her toes. It had been far too long since she allowed herself this indulgence.
As an Italian, she was familiar with “dolce far niente”—the sweetness of doing nothing—but it always made her feel so guilty on so many levels.
Her ever-wise grief counselor, Daniela, repeatedly told Aria that guilt was a normal part of grief but warned that if she allowed it to consume her life, she would continue to struggle with finding joy again.
She was determined to allow that unfamiliar feeling of joy in finally.
Finding a spot, Aria spread out her blanket, momentarily distracted by the sounds of the waves coming in and out and the seagulls overhead.
Finally settled down, she slid her breakfast from its bag and moaned in pleasure at the perfect combination of buttery pastry and sweet whipped cream.
It didn’t take long for her to devour it, and with a quick wipe of her hand, she was ready to write.
Taking out her leather journal from her beach bag, she let the beauty of her surroundings inspire her. Her writings had started as something akin to poetry about love, loss and hope. But as she continued, a story formed like clay in her hands. She shaped and molded the words into a beautiful tale.
Aria stopped and read what she had written, overwhelmed by what she had created. It was still rough around the edges, but the satisfaction brought a smile to her face.
She believed for far too long that there were no more words left when Nicholas had passed, but she was wrong. The words were just hidden inside her, and she needed the courage to unlock them.
Several hours later, she rolled her shoulders to ease the tension in her neck and tilted her head back toward the sun. Taking in the warmth, her thoughts were brought back to where she was in life.
Her usual Sunday routine had been researching businesses that she wanted to emulate, gleaning from every article words of wisdom that could help her with her own. In the place of her journal were books on leadership and book trends.
Then and there she made a promise to herself to find more balance between her career and her own passions.
Wait. Shouldn’t our business be my passion? Shouldn’t what Nicholas and I built fill me with joy and fulfillment?
An uneasy feeling gripped her insides and unfurled its claws as this truth penetrated her heart.
Leaning her elbows on her knees and cradling her chin in her hands, Aria looked down at the words on the pages.
That’s my passion. Those words are my joy. Not the business.
Could it be true? Deep down she knew it was. She had entertained those thoughts before but never gave place to them.
Like so many things since becoming a widow, dealing with the uncomfortable almost always gave way to emotional fatigue. This truth about their business was always on the edges of her consciousness, but she had refused to acknowledge it.
But there was something that never failed to force its way in.
Guilt.
It had been swallowing her whole. Guilt about feeling something when Alex kissed her. Guilt about losing Nicholas. Guilt about wanting more than what she and Nicholas had built.
Guilt as she voiced what she never dared before.
Aria felt the tremor start in her hands and spread to her whole body as the tears stung her eyes, but she held them back. She was so tired of crying.
“I don’t want to keep running the publishing house.”
As the words spilled out, she let that truth settle into her heart.
She wanted to write. Travel. Experience life, not sit at a desk every day. The knot in her stomach returned just thinking about it.
Laying down on the blanket and closing her eyes, she fought with the guilt that was always present.
Think about Nicholas. Think about what he would want me to do.
Aria let those early years play like a movie in her mind.
They had been married for close to six wonderful years. He was the first man who made her feel beautiful, desired, strong, and confident. He always made sure she felt safe and secure.
They had been gloriously in love. In her mind, when they met he was so out of her league.
She couldn't believe that he would ever be interested in her.
Her, a shy daydreamer, always lost in a book.
Him, a confident, popular guy loved by all.
She had a few close friends in school, but Nicholas knew everyone.
If there was ever an “opposites attract” story, theirs was it.
Aria smiled as she remembered the day he walked up to her in school, sat down next to her in the courtyard, and introduced himself.
She had been rendered speechless at the sight of the tall, handsome fifth-year student she’d seen around school, always in the middle of a group. Every girl in school was attracted to him.
She laughed at the memory of him taking her gently by the hand and asking her to come with him to Cena Dei Cento Giorni. She had been so nervous, her hands had trembled. She remembered finally finding her voice and answering softly, “I didn’t think you even knew who I was until about a minute ago.”
“I’ve asked about you, Aria, and I really would like to get to know you better,” he had said, his eyes shining as he stared at her.
“Yes, I’d like that very much.”
They were so young, but she soon found herself falling in love with the boy who had swept her off her feet.
When she shared with him her desire to write books about love and the adventures she dreamed of having one day, he encouraged her to follow her dreams. And she did, filling journal after journal all through school.
But she wrote less and less during her last few years in college. The class load was demanding, and it was hard enough just to find time for each other. After that, getting married and “adulting” ended any free time she had for writing.
Aria sat up when she heard the laughter of a child nearby. She wiped a strand of hair from her face as she watched a little girl run in and out of the surf, her mother chasing close behind.
One of her biggest regrets was their decision to delay having children until their business was established. When she lost Nicholas, dreams of a family died with him as well.
Looking around at the families gathering their things in the waning sunlight of the late afternoon, Aria did the same. When she picked up her journal, she let her hands smooth over the words she had written.
Aria knew she couldn’t keep shoving down the things she didn’t want to deal with. These feelings were pushing their way to the surface and the sooner she dealt with them, the sooner she could start to heal.
She had to find a way to honor Nicholas’ dreams and memories but still be true to herself. To her dreams, her desires. She hadn’t even thought it was possible until...
Until what?
Until Alex Rossi held her in his arms, his kiss bringing her back to life.
She turned to look at the waves once more as a thought lingered.
Was it his sudden reappearance in her life that had unlocked the words in her heart?