Chapter 22
I exited out of the picture Phileigh had sent me with a huge smile. I knew the brand partnership was coming because I aided in setting it up. Well, Ma had at my request. Marsha was a good friend of hers, so it didn’t take much convincing to get her on board. I wanted nothing more than for Phileigh to never have to lift a finger, but I knew that wasn’t what she wanted. So, I opened the door for her to have something better… her own brand. She could sit back, approve designs, and collect checks she’d never have to spend. Still, I stepped out of the car and leaned against the door, dialing my girl to congratulate her like I knew nothing.
“Hey, baby.” Her sweet voice sailed through the phone like music to my ears.
“Hey, Ms. I Got a Haircare Brand,” I hyped her up.
“I really can’t believe it!”
“Believe it! It’s huge. I’m so proud of you, baby,” I said, and I could hear her smile through the phone. I imagined all thirty-two of her teeth were showing.
“Thank you for everything… from the spa day with Lolo to this. None of this would be possible without you. I know it’s your name and influence that got me noticed. I’m just so speechless right now.”
I closed my eyes and let the sound of her voice soothe my nerves. I needed it.
“You deserve it, Phileigh. You were going to have all this regardless, baby, ’cause you work hard and you deserve it.”
“I love how you take care of me,” she said as I stared out at the therapy building like it was a damn mountain I had to climb.
I would much rather be at home or on this spa date with Phileigh, but I’d been summoned to one of my mom’s therapy sessions. I told her I would come, but actually being here was rocking my spirit.
“You okay?” Phileigh asked. She could always sense when something was off with me, even over the phone.
“I can’t lie, baby. I’ve been hit by linebackers twice my size, taken concussions, played through cracked ribs, twisted ankles… you name it. But walking into a therapist office with my mom to talk about my brother… that shit got me bothered.”
The line fell quiet, and then a video request came through. I swiped it, and her beautiful green face appeared on the phone, making me smile.
“Hey, look at me,” she said.
“I’m looking, She Hulk.” I tried to crack a joke, but she didn’t even smile. She just stared at me like a woman concerned about her man.
“Are you looking?” she said, pointing the phone toward her belly bump and then back up at her.
“I’m looking.”
“Don’t forget who you’re doing this for. This is your first step in healing. You’re always making sure me and the baby are good. You’re our protector, but you can’t protect us if you’re not okay.”
I nodded my head, taking in what she had to say.
“Go in there and speak your truth. Start the first day of your healing journey. Your brother would be so proud of you. And when you’re done, I’ll be at home waiting in my birthday suit for you to take whatever frustrations you didn’t get out in therapy on my pussy.”
“Shit, this is why I fucking love yo’ ass.” I grinned, and the line fell silent. The realization of what I’d just said lingered between us.
“You love me?” she asked, calling me out on it and asking me to stand ten toes down with that statement.
“Hell yeah, Phileigh. I love you. Been in love with you. Just didn’t want to scare you away.”
“I love you too,” she admitted, and I couldn’t lie… it was just the motivation I needed to get my ass off my car and into the therapy building.
“Thank you, Phileigh Cheese.” I gazed into her eyes. “I’ll see you tonight.”
“You got it.” She blew me a kiss before disconnecting the call. I slid my phone in my pocket before making my way to the receptionist desk.
“Hello. I’m Kellon Barnes. I’m joining my mom for her session with Dr. Baites.”
The session started slow. My mom did most of the talking, and I just sat beside her unsure of when to chime in, what to share, or where to start. I didn’t do this. Talk about my feelings and shit. Not because I didn’t want to, but because before Phileigh, I never had anyone who wanted to listen. My eyes bounced around the office as my mom talked. It was a standard therapist’s office with a lot of bookcases, comfortable chairs, and a sofa.
The therapist, Dr. Baites, an older African American woman in her mid-forties or something, sat calmly across from us with a notebook in her lap, listening.
“Kellon.” She called my name, and my eyes darted toward her. I guess this was my time to chime in. “I want to talk about something you mentioned in the survey I sent you. You mentioned struggling to celebrate your accomplishments. You’ve won the Super Bowl, but you say you were afraid to be happy. Can you elaborate on that?”
I took a deep breath and swallowed hard. Phileigh’s word replayed in my head. Take care of you.
“I feel like I stole my brother’s life.” That was it, the truth I’d tried to push to the back of my mind.
“Why?” Dr. Baites questioned.
“Guilt.”
“Elaborate, please.”
“My brother… the night he died…”
I looked at my mom. Her eyes were on me, waiting for what I had to say next. Whenever I’d tried to discuss the night with her, she’d tuned me out. I guess now she was finally ready to hear it.
“The night Jeronee died, I was driving. He wanted to drive, but I insisted. I was a hotheaded teenager who didn’t listen. That truck… it came outta nowhere. It hit his side and flipped us in the air.”
I looked down at my hands, remembering holding his lifeless body.
“I survived. He died instantly. And every win, every fucking touchdown I throw, every endorsement deal, every damn dollar I’ve made since then… all feels like I stole it from him… like I stole his life, his joy, and his happiness.”
My mom’s hand flew to her mouth, and loud sobs escaped her lips.
“You never told me you felt guilty,” she whispered. “You never said that you held him as he died.”
She sobbed.
“I couldn’t. You never wanted to talk about Jeronee. Sometimes I felt like you blamed me.”
“I never blamed you. Never!”
Dr. Baites nodded, writing something down in her notepad before speaking.
“Tell me, Kellon. Is there anything in your life you feel you earned and didn’t take from your brother?”
“My girl and my son. She’s pregnant. They are the only things I’ve had in a long time that I feel I deserve. The only things that I feel like aren’t his because God designed them specially for me. They’re mine.”
“Your feelings are a very human response to grief, Kellon. You were a teenager. It was an accident that you didn’t cause. Blaming yourself won’t bring your brother back, but it will keep you from fully living.”
I nodded slowly. “I know, but it’s hard to stop. It’s like if I’m happy, I feel like I’m betraying him, rubbing my life in his face.”
She glanced at my mom gently. “Ms. Barnes, how does hearing Kellon say these things make you feel?”
My mom’s sobs were now just quiet whimpers with tears draining from her eyes.
“I never knew he felt that way. I lost a son... but I didn’t realize I was also losing the one who lived with guilt. I thought you were so strong. I never knew you were hurting behind that mug.”
“Grief doesn’t mean you stop living and being happy. It doesn’t mean you’ve stolen from the dead. It’s okay to celebrate this life and your accomplishments. You’re here for a reason, Kellon.” I’m here for a reason. I sat with that for as long as I could before Dr. Baites spoke again. “You ever think that girlfriend and baby are the reason you were chosen to stay?” That was more to sit with. “Is she good to you?”
I smiled a little. “Yeah. She saved me. And I don’t even think she knows it.”
“Then let her,” she said gently. “And let your mother support you too. She’s ready.” She turned to my mother. “He needs you to share the weight. It’s too heavy for him to carry alone.”
My mom reached over and put her hand on mine. “I want to support you, baby. I do. I’m sorry. I didn’t know how before, but I do now.”
For the first time, it felt like I wasn’t grieving alone, like it wasn’t a mistake that I had lived.
“Kellon, we’ve made some great breakthroughs today, but I’d like to keep seeing you together for a few more sessions. I think you should start your own solo ones as well. Can I refer you to my husband? He’s great with male clients.”
“Yes. I’d like that.”
I stood from the chair and hugged my mother before leaving the office. She still had a few things she wanted to discuss, and that was cool with me. I needed some time alone to walk and think. The doctor’s words clarified what I already knew. Phileigh was the reason I had lived. She was my soulmate, and the universe couldn’t leave her out here alone.
When I stepped outside, I felt lighter. I did not feel fixed, but I was healing, finally healing, and not just coping. I pulled out my phone to call Phileigh. I wanted to let her know how it went, but before I could dial her, my phone rang. It was Lolo. My face balled up. Something in the pit of my stomach told me something was wrong.
“Sup?” I answered quickly, waiting for Lolo to confirm what I already suspected.
“Kellon, we’re heading to the hospital!” Lolo yelled frantically through the phone. “Someone attacked her in the parking lot. They think it was random. She’s asking for you. There’s blood. The baby?—”
And just like that, my world dropped to the damn grown and shattered in a million pieces.
“Which hospital?” That was all I wanted to know.
“Mount Sinai.”
I didn’t say goodbye. I don’t remember if I hung up. I just turned and ran back into the building through the receptionist area and back into Dr. Baites’s office.
“Kellon!” Dr. Baites shouted in confusion.
“Ma, we gotta go.” My voice was dry and broken.
“What’s wrong?”
“Phileigh’s in the hospital. Someone attacked her.”
Her eyes went wide, but she didn’t ask questions. She stood from her seat and followed me out to my car. I didn’t even remember pulling off or speeding through traffic. All I knew was a nigga’s heart was thumping like it was trying to break out of my chest. Every worst-case scenario played in my head as I rushed to her. I didn’t know what I was walking into, but I knew they had to be okay. The universe couldn’t leave me without my soulmate.