Chapter Gills
Gills
Journei tried her best to figure out why I was upset with her.
I gave in to her one too many times, and because of that, I felt reckless.
Our bodies connected unprotected and exposed.
She was selfish for the acts she pulled that night.
Any time we had sex, I was so mesmerized and caught up in her essence that releasing inside of her never registered.
Everything I wanted with her came to the forefront of my life, including a marriage and kids.
I asked her to get off me for a reason that night.
I loved being inside her, but I crossed a line by being intimate with her already.
I wasn’t gon’ take it a step further and put my son in her womb.
Her ignoring me possibly resulted in just that.
I was pissed from her selfish ways but still wanted her near.
However, she was toxic, and I didn’t need that.
That woman brought a side of me out that I locked away. Disrespecting women the way I did her was never somethin’ I participated in, but my mouth was definitely reckless that night. I used unpleasing words and cursed her out like she wasn’t the one who I was ready to drop any- and everything for.
A talk with my granny was needed, so I came over. I didn’t hide anything from her, so she was gon’ get the real deal about me and Journei. I used my key to enter her crib. She was in the kitchen fixing a plate of peach cobbler and ice cream. I placed a kiss on her cheek before I sat down.
“How you feeling, Ma?”
“I’m good, baby. Where you been lately? Haven’t seen you or talked to you in a week. What’s been goin’ on, son?” her sweet voice asked.
“I got an earful for you, Ma. Don’t scold me ’til you heard everything, a’ight?
” She nodded and sat with her dessert. “I found a woman. Thing is, she’s married.
Ma, I think about this woman every day, all day.
When she’s around, I’m praying every second to not give in to her.
As a man of faith, I should have more control, but she knocks down any wall I have up with lil’ to no effort.
And these last few months, we’ve been intimate.
I know it’s wrong, but when I’m with her, my soul is at ease. She pullin’ at my heart, Ma.”
“When I say this, I want you to listen well. Yo’ grandaddy had me wrapped around his finger.
I mean to the point where I divorced my high-school lover and didn’t look back.
Marvin moved somethin’ in this old body that Danny didn’t.
We didn’t have relations until I was a free woman though.
Yo’ grandaddy had one up on Danny. He made time for me, no matter how busy he was, while I had to beg Danny for his, and we shared the same bed.
Marvin was the best thing I ran across. He valued me and reassured his love for me every day. I don’t regret a damn thing.”
“Ma, I don’t want to confuse her with sex.
When she leaves, it needs to be on her own time.
I try so hard to respect her and her marriage.
I’m not perfect, so I make mistakes, but I can’t stay away from her.
I’m in Chattanooga, and all I want to do is be in her presence.
I see the pain she carries in her eyes, and I want to be the one to heal her.
I want to protect her and love her the right way.
Ma, ain’t no way what I feel for her is based off sex. ”
My granny sat there with a smile on her face.
I knew what she was thinking. She was happy to see me fond of a woman.
She’d been praying for me to settle down and have a family for years.
My granny understood the ways of life. She was religious, no doubt, but she knew no one could follow the book page for page.
“Let me meet her, son. I can tell you if she’s the one or not. And before you try to sass me, remember who the boss is.”
“Yes, ma’am,” was all I had for her. Asking to meet Journei caused conflict. I wasn’t tryna be around her any longer.
I got up and went to chill in the family room. She put a lot out there that had me thinking. I just needed a moment to figure out how my life was gon’ proceed.
&
That day I was heading to the prison in Chattanooga to talk with the inmates and deliver a message. From time to time, I would go with the head pastor of Gethsemane to get a feel for it. That particular time, I was stepping in for him. I was a lil’ nervous, but God had me.
After gettin’ clearance, I set my things up in the library.
I brought along a few deacons to help out and take some information for pen pals.
It was somethin’ I wanted to start for those who were in for a certain amount of years.
Everybody deserved encouraging words or just general conversation to take their mind off things.
Each inmate I recognized from the previous visits except one.
His face was familiar, but I knew I’d never seen him before.
I shook it off and got started. They listened intently and gave me props on what I chose to speak about.
Usually, givin’ them the floor to speak wasn’t offered, but I did today.
“If anybody has a story, they want to tell on how God brought them through, please feel free to stand and share it.” The new inmate stood with no hesitation.
“Wassup, Pastor. My name is Jourdell Evans, and I just wanted to speak on my trials and tribulations. As everybody in here know, I was a drunk. That bottle brought evil into my body on a daily basis. As a man, I can stand here and say I’m not proud of a damn thing I’ve done in my past. I lost my wife and hurt my daughter.
My daughter, man… I just wanna make it right with her when I get out.
Journei deserved a real father, not a drunk.
I send my prayers up hoping she’ll grant me some of her time again.
I know she hates me, but I’m not gon’ give up.
God put me in here to stop the hell I was causing her.
I heard she graduated from both high school and college, so she’s smart.
How she receives me is in God’s hands. Thank you, Pastor. ”
I was face-to-face with the man that hurt the woman I more than likely loved. On one hand, I wanted to walk over and give him the same beatings he was givin’ her for years. Then on the other, the Christian side of me wanted to help him. I didn’t know what to do.
“Thank you, Mr. Evans. Is there anyone else?” I asked.
The rest of the inmates shared briefly while Journei occupied my mind. Her father was about to get out of jail and would be comin’ for her. I knew how she felt about him, and the pain he caused was still fresh for her. Journei was nowhere near healed.
By the time I left the prison, it was close to five. Hunz was gon’ have to give me some advice on that. He knew the situation too well. I shot him a text, telling him to meet me at Cheddar’s so we could eat and talk.
We pulled up at the same time. He was gettin’ out the car when I parked beside him. Daps were exchanged with brotherly hugs. That had to get off my chest. It was too much to tote around. After finding seats and ordering our food, he dove right in.
“Nigga, what happened at the prison?”
“Jourdell Evans is what happened,” I said.
“How you run into Journei’s pops?”
“You know I do that pastor thing where we go and speak. He ain’t never been in the program before, but he was today. He comin’ for her, bruh. He wanna make it right with her. I know how she feels, and so do you. Ain’t no tellin’ how she ’bout to react.”
“Word on the street is he supposed to be gettin’ out soon. I’m talkin’ in the next week or so. Bestie ’bout to flee the state. The only reason she stayed was for me and then Alexis. I can tell you now, she gon’ run,” he responded, shaking his head.
If she was gon’ run, I wanted her to run to me. I wanted to be her protector. If she was with me, she wouldn’t have to worry about a thing. I was willing to take that side street on the righteous path to make sure she was good.
“Nah, she ain’t gon’ flee the state. I can promise you that.”
“The fuck you mean by that. The hell you and Journei been on, Gills? Y’all two muthafuckas been sneaky as hell lately. And her ass been up to Nashville too many damn times. She think I don’t know, but her location always turns off a couple miles before your spot. Spill, nigga.”
I didn’t wanna hide her anymore. She wasn’t really a secret, but I never talked about her either, so I told Hunz everything. Of course he acted like both of our best friend. He praised me for pulling her but then threatened me if I hurt her.
He brought up Alexis, but she wasn’t my problem. I didn’t care nothin’ ’bout that girl. Journei was my focus, and Alexis messed up when she cheated on my baby. Her marriage meant nothin’ to me from that day forward.
Journei was about to get hit with another punch and didn’t even know it.
Life was beating my baby up from every angle.
What life failed to realize was she had a man in her corner ready to switch sides and play Lucifer.
She’d been through way too much already, and I wasn’t gon’ let her go through no more.