36. Benjamin
Waking up plastered to Tennant’s side is a dream come true. Especially after all the nights and days he’s been needed elsewhere. I try hard not to think about it, shoving my irrational thoughts to the side, because I know I’m not the only person who matters in his life.
It’s a hard pill to swallow when I’m alone.
I may understand better now how he can love more than one person, that our dark souls will always find one another, no matter how many people are in between and around us, but…
that doesn’t make it easier when I’m in a lonely bed for multiple nights on end.
But…that’s something we need to work on. Together, and with Reid. Even if allowing someone else to see my vulnerability, to know how badly I failed, hurts.
Taking a slow breath, I stare at Tennant, instead of focusing on my tumultuous thoughts. I probably need to speak to Anderson about those feelings, but later. For now, I get to enjoy having my everything in bed with me.
In sleep, Tennant looks younger than he is.
The harsh planes of his face are softer, and having those ice blue eyes closed gives you room to breathe when they’re not laser focused on you.
It’s a marvel that someone as beautiful as him wants me.
Especially, when he has Lio and Roman, who are both effortlessly gorgeous.
“I can hear you thinking, Topolino. It’s far too early for your brain to be working so hard.
” His sleep-rough voice makes me smile because there’s a tinge of his accent to his words that he can’t quite hide while half-conscious.
As ground down and barely-there as it is now, I can hear it.
It makes me curious about his past, and what came before Cristian and this life.
I only know the bare bones of it, but in these moments, when he’s soft and vulnerable, and not making himself appear as anything more than simply a man who is smarter than most people in the room, I see a completely different side.
It selfishly makes me want more, even though I know he already gives me everything.
When he opens his eyes, my breath stills in my lungs as I stare into those icy depths. One simple look shouldn’t render me so helpless, and yet, he’s always been able to take me to my knees with no effort.
“Do you ever actually sleep?” I ask, curious for the answer. It’s not like I moved or made a noise or anything. And yeah, maybe I was staring at him, but who wouldn’t if they had the chance? Still, it doesn’t make sense as to how he always knows when I’m awake.
He huffs and tugs me impossibly closer, forcing me to lay draped over his chest. “I sleep,” he replies.
“I’ve always been a light sleeper. It was made worse when I started staying with Cristian, to watch over his dumb ass after…
well, to make sure he didn’t die in the night after his uncle beat the shit out of him.
Then Roman came, and my instincts were honed further to wake at the slightest change in the air.
Don’t worry about me. I get enough sleep. ”
I have doubts about that, but then none of us have slept well in close to a year now, so there’s not much I can say in rebuttal.
“How do you feel?”
His question brings the slight soreness in my ass to the forefront, and I feel my face heating—much like said ass did last night under his ministrations.
“Embarrassed,” I whisper, looking down.
With a finger under my chin, he forces me to look at him again. His face is so close to mine that I have no choice but to focus on every minute detail and expression. “You don’t need to be, Topolino. What is it going to take for you to understand that you’re mine?”
Shame fills me at the reminder that I keep failing him.
I try to pull away, intent on curling into myself, but Tennant grabs hold of me, trapping me against him, and refuses to budge, no matter how much I try.
Not that I really put up much of a fight.
Being in his arms? There’s no place safer, even when my heart pounds and confusion mixes with the embarrassment deep inside me.
“I’m sorry,” I tell him, unable to help it. “I…I don’t know what you want from me?”
“There’s no right or wrong answer. You can tell me anything. How it felt to play your games again, what was running through you when your inner brat came out, how it felt to be spanked, and what repeating those affirmations did to you.”
It’s hard to swallow, and my mouth is dry as anxiousness threatens to consume me, but I use Anderson’s teachings.
Slowly inhaling and exhaling. Closing my eyes and focusing on the feel of Tennant’s arms around me, the quiet sound of his breathing that helps level mine out, and the immense peace and safety that comes with knowing I’m not alone.
“Good Boy,” Ten says.
I flush again, those words curling inside me.
Because I want to be good for him. I…want to be his Boy, as strange as that still sounds to me.
But… “I felt free when I pushed back at bedtime,” I murmur.
“I enjoyed expressing myself in a way I never had before, not even when I was a kid. The push and pull…the exhilaration at seeing how far I could push you before you did something about it… I also feel ashamed because…how dare I make things harder for you. You have a lot going on. You have so much stress with the Council, with Roman and Hollis still not being mentally stable yet, and having to navigate a new relationship with Allesandro. I don’t understand why you let me get away with the things you do. ”
“Because I’m your Daddy, Topolino, and I will always be the safest place for you. There’s no judgment from me, no censure. You can always express yourself however you want, and you do not need to worry about if you’re going to take it too far.
“I told you last night, you’re safe to be a brat with me. When you need to be punished, I will spank you until I either get bored or you earn your marks. And if you need more punishment, I will give you that too.”
I stiffen at the thought of other punishments. Tennant gently runs a hand down my spine, forcing me to relax in his hold.
“I won’t put you in the corner,” he says, in a far gentler tone than I’ve ever heard him use before.
“Corner time is common, though,” I tell him. “I’ve read about them. Most of the time, it’s used for reflection, making the submissive think about their actions. It can be a punishment in itself, or used with other punishments.”
“You’ve been curious, I see.”
I swallow and nod. “You and Anderson have given me a lot to think about. And…I owe it to Lio, too. To understand him. Because of all the shit I felt, and being unable to comprehend why he wanted or needed a Daddy when...”
“When you want and need yours,” he finishes for me.
“Yeah.”
“Everyone is different. You’re a Middle, and how you define that is yet to be determined, but I saw it last night.
You enjoy video games, like all your snacks, but are too nervous to ask for them—for now—and can be a bit of a brat when things don’t go your way.
Lio is a Little. He falls deep into his Littlespace, and loves his stuffie, cuddles, and though he’ll probably protest, I’m going to put him in a diaper and give him a bottle because that’s what he needs. ”
My face is on fire at his frank talk about what he plans on doing to my best friend, but the wonder and excitement is clear in his gaze, so I don’t say anything.
“Neither of you are the same, so it makes sense that you wouldn’t view punishments the same.
You’re afraid of being alone and abandoned.
Which means, corner time is not a good option for you, even though I’d never leave you alone during it.
Still, the point of a punishment is to correct your behavior, to remind you of who’s in charge, and then forgive you.
Causing you emotional and mental distress is not the point. ”
“Thank you,” I reply in a choked voice. “You always know what to say.”
“Because you’re mine, Baby Mouse. You always have been. We’re exploring something new, but that doesn’t change the facts.”
I blow out a slow breath. “I loved all of it,” I confess. “E—even calling you Daddy.”
He grins. “You fell so fast into Middlespace, Benji. I’m so proud of you.”
I scowl. “I thought I imagined that… Really, Benji?”
He laughs. “You needed a name for your Middlespace. Benjamin is for when you’re really in trouble, and Topolino is your everyday. So…Benji works.”
I sigh, but his logic—if you want to call it that—makes a sad amount of sense. “I’m not a fan of nicknames, especially shortened names…”
“I know,” he says in a tone that makes it clear my opinion doesn’t count.
I sigh again, because we both know I won’t win this argument now that he’s made up his mind.
“Anything else we need to discuss?” he asks lightly.
I think about it all. Last night, hell, the past few weeks, rolling through my mind before I shake my head slowly. “I’ve missed you, but I will always miss you when you’re not around. I am…slowly getting used to the idea. It’s just hard.”
He squeezes me tightly. “I know. I’ve found myself missing you too.
I know we’ve gotten off track, and I’ve made some egregious errors with you.
” I try to protest, but he gives me a look, effectively cutting off my words.
“I have. I’ve always known you were different, that my methods would need to be tailored to you, but still, I let it go.
I pushed you too hard, and made you feel as if who you are isn’t enough for me.
” He rolls us so I’m on my back, staring up at him as he looms over me.
My heart speeds up, and my cock wakes at the feel of him on me. Spreading my legs further, I let him settle between them. His body just barely grazes my sore ass as I lift my knees and offer myself to him.
“Behave,” he orders, a glint in his eyes that steals my breath.
“You did what you thought was right,” I whisper, shame filling me once more. “It’s me who failed you.”