18. Connor
CONNOR
W hen Scout comes home and tells Mom and Dad that Eli’s staying at his dad’s tonight, I tell them I’m going over to Brad’s before driving to Elliot’s house.
My skin is tingling. My advisor emailed me back, enthusiastic about me coming back to school and forwarding a response from my old coach about how happy he’d be to welcome me back to the team.
I called Damien Rogers and discussed signing a contract at the end of the season if I was still interested in playing in the ECHL after graduation.
Left a message with my boss in California to call me back and an agent Damien gave me the number of to ask about representation.
It’s all really happening. There’s just one thing I need to do to stop lying to myself about who I am and what I want.
I text Elliot when I’m five minutes away. When I get to the house, he comes straight out.
He doesn’t look happy, but then, he has been in the house with his dad, and I know that’s tough on him.
“Hey, you okay? Do you need anything?” I need him to know I want to help. We’re a team. No matter what he needs, I want to be there to give it to him.
“I’m fine.” He offers me a smile. I know a fake one when I see it.
I drive, resisting the urge to kiss him. He doesn’t look like he wants me to do that right now.
My hands are shaky on the wheel. Palms sweating. Heart racing. Fuck, what if he turns me down? What if he tells me he doesn’t want this after summer’s over?
“I’m going back to school,” I say, my tongue dragging on the roof of my mouth. I don’t remember the last time I was this nervous. “My advisor emailed me the info. I just have to speak to the Dean and fill out this petition with my intentions to return.”
“Connor, that’s amazing.” He gives me another smile. It looks sad, but at least this one’s real.
“I’ll get to see you next year.”
He doesn’t say anything. I hear him swallow.
“Elliot … I’d like more of this. Me and you, I mean.”
Still nothing.
“I wanna see where it goes. I want more than casual with you.”
I couldn’t be clearer. But still, Elliot isn’t speaking.
“Eli?”
“I’m sorry,” he says.
“What for?”
He swallows and the sound is so loud in the silence of the car. “I can’t.”
I need to pull over. I can’t focus on the road. As soon as the car stops, I unclick my seatbelt and face him, praying that if he just looks at me, he’ll see how sincere I am, that he’ll feel the same way I do.
My hand’s shaking when I put it on his leg. He doesn’t move. “I know it’ll be rough at first, with Scout, but she’ll understand. We’re getting along better these days and?—”
“Exactly,” Eli says in a quiet voice. “You’re getting along better. Why would you want to ruin it?”
“Maybe it wouldn’t have to ruin it? Maybe she’d get over it in time?”
“She wouldn’t.”
Anger bubbles up inside me, but I control it as best I can. “I can’t believe you’re letting Scout bully you like this.”
“She’s not bullying me. It’s a shitty thing to do, Connor.”
“Eli, look at me.”
He keeps his gaze trained on the window.
“Please.”
Finally, he forces himself to look in my direction. Our eyes meet and his brows come together. I can’t help myself, I put my hand on his cheek and rejoice in the fact that he at least didn’t flinch.
He leans into my touch for a second before pulling away.
“Scout is all I have,” he says. “She’s been there for me through the worst times in my life. When I didn’t know how I’d get out of bed, she was there, dragging me out, making me take a shower and get dressed, somehow making me laugh, through it all. I didn’t even miss any school, because of her.”
My chest is tight. I don’t know whether my love for my sister or the jealousy I’m feeling right now will win out. It’s like they’re warring for dominance inside me.
“She will get over it, Eli. And while she’s getting over it, I’ll be there.”
He looks at me before dropping his eyes to his hands. “Will you?” His voice is small, but his words cut deep. He thinks I’m going to quit on him, like I quit on everything. Why would he think any different ?
I clench my jaw, trying to fight the sting building behind my eyes. I’ve never been heart-broken before. Never felt this way about anybody. Never been this scared to lose a person. I’ve always been so hyper focused on myself, on what I want, on my stupid dreams.
For the first time, I want to put someone else first, and it’s too fucking late.
I’ve already shown him with my actions that I’m not the kind of partner he can put his faith in.
I need to show him in actions that I can be trusted, that I can stick things out.
Because right now, my words aren’t enough.
I stroke my thumb over his thigh before forcing myself to remove my hand.
“Okay,” I say.
His eyes flicker up to mine.
“I understand. You don’t want to lose Scout.” And you don’t trust me to stay the course. “We’ll stop this thing. Before it goes any further.”
His bottom lip wobbles. Fuck, if he cries …. He gets himself under control and nods. Stoic. “Okay,” he says.