20. Connor
CONNOR
I swear I heard Elliot and Scout arguing last night.
I’ve never heard Elliot angry before, but he was definitely shouting.
I waited to hear if someone would storm out.
I told myself it would be okay for me to go and check on whoever it was.
That would be a totally normal thing to do, right?
Still respecting my promise to leave Elliot alone.
But no one stormed out. They probably made up, like they always do. Like they would if Elliot just allowed himself to have what he wants for once in his life and be with me.
Mom and Dad are surprised to see me up so early the next morning.
“Did you sleep okay? You look tired,” Mom says, touching my shoulder on her way to the coffee machine.
“Yeah, I just woke up early,” I lie.
“Hallelujah, you made the coffee,” she says. “Where’s the guy with the plaque for World’s Best Son?”
I huff a laugh, hiding my face in my mug.
Dad catches me and gives me a knowing smile. “Connor, you know in the future, if you’re ever struggling with anything, you can talk to us, right? ”
I swallow. It’s far too early for this conversation. I nod and hum, hoping he’ll take that as an answer.
“We’re not only proud of you if you’re at Harvard or playing professional hockey. We meant what we said when we told you we just want you and your sister to be happy—whatever that looks like.”
My heart pounds and my throat is too tight to swallow when I open my mouth to tell them the one secret I’m still keeping. But before I can say a word, Scout comes stomping into the room. How the fuck does she manage to stomp in socks?
Elliot’s behind her, his hair messy from sleep, his face naked without his glasses on.
He’s keeping his distance, but memory tells me what he smells like in the morning.
My eyes get unfocussed as I let myself imagine what it would be like to go and claim him.
Put my hand on his waist and kiss him good morning. Call him baby and ask him how he slept.
When I focus my gaze again, I catch Dad watching me with curiosity.
I could tell him the truth. I’d tell them all right now how I feel about Eli, but Eli doesn’t want that. So I keep my mouth shut.
I leave the room before I can do something stupid and give everything away. There are things that need to be packed before the end of the summer break. Books I need to find for school. Things I probably need to order. I can get a head start before I drive over to the rink today.
I’m looking for some fresh athletic clothes to put on when there’s a gentle knock on the door.
“Yeah?”
Dad pokes his head around the door. “Can I come in a sec, bud? ”
“Sure. What’s up?”
He smiles, putting his hands in his pockets and rocking on his heels. I don’t see him nervous like this often. I’m suddenly taken back to him giving me the sex talk. Is that what this is? I hope he knows I don’t need it anymore.
“Everything okay?” he asks.
“Yeah, just packing for school and getting ready to head over to the rink.”
Dad nods. “I noticed the way you were looking at Elliot.”
Blood suddenly rushes to my ears and my face gets hot. But I’m not ashamed of this, so why am I reacting this way?
“I’ve seen you looking at him like that a lot, actually.”
“Dad, I….” I trail off, not knowing what to say.
“It’s alright, Connor. I was waiting for you to tell me yourself. But now it seems like something’s wrong so I wanted to check in.”
I’m finally able to swallow, but it’s dry and my face is still red hot. “I’m bi.”
Dad nods. “Okay.”
“And I have feelings for Elliot.”
A big grin spreads over his face. “That’s wonderful.”
“No, it’s not, Dad.”
He frowns.
“Scout,” I say.
“Ah.” He chuckles and rubs the overnight stubble on his chin. “Your sister is all bark and no bite. She’s a big softie, really.”
I snort. “With you, maybe. But I’m not her beloved daddy. She will not forgive me for stealing her best friend. And I won’t do that to Elliot.”
Dad steps further into the room, looking at the unmade bed before taking a seat on the edge. “Why would you have to steal him? You guys go to the same college. Who says he’d have to stop being friends with Scout just because you two are dating?”
“Scout says.”
He laughs. “Don’t let her get her own way.”
“Says you.”
Before he can try to convince me anymore, I cut in. “Elliot doesn’t want it anyway. So it’s a moot point.”
“Something tells me Eli doesn’t let himself have much of what he wants.”
My stomach drops at my dad verbalizing something I already know. “I can’t change that, Dad. I can’t force him.”
“No,” he agrees. “But you can make it clear that you’ll be there, when he changes his mind.”
I sink down next to him, rubbing a hand over my scratchy face. “You don’t think it would be weird?”
He chuckles. “Don’t think what would be weird? You dating Elliot? No. Your mom’s been trying to get him married into the family ever since Scout brought him home from kindergarten.”
I shake my head.
“He doesn’t trust me, Dad.”
“What do you mean?” Dad frowns.
“I haven’t exactly given him much reason to think I’m anything but a flight risk.”
He puts his hand on my shoulder. “You’re so young, you don’t even realize. I wasn’t exactly always on the right path when I was your age either.”
I don’t believe him. I know my dad’s life, or at least, I think I do. As far as I know, he never almost flunked out of school and gave up on his life’s passion.
“You know, I wanted to be a pilot when I was your age. In the Air Force.”
“What? ”
He nods. “I was in the air cadets and everything.”
“What happened?”
“I met your mother. My goals changed. I didn’t want to be stationed all over the place with a family or put them in a position where I might be in a dangerous job and have to leave them to fend for themselves. It’s okay if you change course, son. So long as it’s for the right reasons.”
“Yeah, well, I don’t think any of my course changes have been for the right reason.”
“No? Well, looks like you’re course correcting now.”
He gives me one of those dad smiles.
My shoulders relax. “Does Mom know?”
“She’s suspicious, but I managed to convince her she’s imagining things.”
“Good old-fashioned gaslighting. Nice.”
He chuckles. “I wanted to give you time to figure things out for yourself.”
I nod.
“You sure you can’t work through things with Elliot? I could always talk to your sister, if you want.”
“Nah.” I shake my head. “I don’t want to pressure him. He knows what I want. The ball’s in his court now.”
ELLIOT
I can’t stay in that house and be around Connor without giving something away.
It all feels like a waste of time. Like no matter what I do, I can’t go back.
I’ve opened Pandora’s box and all this shit has flown out and everything I thought I knew before is alien to me now.
Like I’ve ruined it, no matter what. All because I couldn’t stop myself from giving in.
The house is silent when I step through the front door. I take a deep breath and grit my teeth. This is my house. That man in a hole-ridden cardigan, hiding in his study, is my dad. Scout’s family is her family, and this is mine.
Channeling Scout, I storm down the hallway and open my dad’s study door without knocking.
He looks up from his computer, blinking in surprise when he sees me standing there, being rude.
“You need to get up,” I say.
He frowns. “Eli?—”
“No, Dad. Enough. You need to stop hiding away in here and get up, take a shower, put some clothes on that aren’t full of holes, shave, eat something, and go back to work.”
His throat works, like he’s trying to find something to say. Finally, he manages to choke out, “I am working.”
“No, not your academic papers, I mean teaching. I mean, talking to other people. Not just reading peer reviews. I mean, using your voice. Showing your face.”
He looks down at the keyboard. “Elliot….”
“Look at me, Dad.”
He keeps staring at the keyboard. I take a few more steps into the room. “I said, look at me.”
Nothing.
“ Please. ” I feel the tears in my voice before it breaks.
His gaze snaps up to mine and I see surprise and pain written all over his face.
“Why can’t you look at me?”
His eyes get watery. “You remind me of her.”
I bite my cheek to stop from overflowing like I did at the movies. “Of course I do. She was my mom.”
“I know that.”
“If you don’t talk about her … if you take the pictures down and pretend it didn’t happen … you let her die all over again. ”
His shoulders crumple and he makes a huffing sound, like the air has been knocked out of him.
His elbow slips on the desk before he can get purchase and hide his face in his hand.
I march across the office, side-stepping piles of dusty books and scattered notes full of Post-it Notes and highlighted texts. They look just like my deranged study notes. I do exactly the same thing he does when things get hard. I hide in books. I try to make it better with work.
“Dad.” I wrap him in a hug and my stomach drops the second I feel how bony he is through his cardigan. His clothes are so loose, I never realized just how much weight he’s lost since Mom died.
He lets me hold him, keeping his head in his hands as his body is wracked with sobs.
“I’m sorry, Dad.”
“No.” He sniffs, wipes his face and pulls away from me. “ I’m sorry.”
When he looks up at me, it kills me. His skin is sallow and his cheeks hollowed out. I miss my smiling dad. The man who could talk for hours on any subject without running out of steam. Who Mom complained ate too fast and too much. Who carried me on his shoulders and had a sparkle in his eyes.
“I need you to try, Dad. I can’t do this on my own.” I swallow, swiping the back of my hand across my eyes. “I can’t lose you and her.”
He takes in a shaky breath. “What do you want me to do? I don’t know what to do.”
A wave of responsibility washes over me. For a second, it’s too much. But then I remember Scout telling me she’d help. I remember Connor bringing me food and cooking pasta in my kitchen. I am not alone .