21. Connor
CONNOR
I find Scout in her room.
She’s on the bed, wiping blue nail polish off her toenails with a record playing in the background.
She barely looks up at me when I come back in before looking back down.
“Hey, can I come in?”
“It’s a free country.”
I step inside, looking around at everything. When was the last time I was in here? I recognize that Patti Smith poster and the Fleetwood Mac album mounted in a frame. The photographs of her and Elliot at concerts and hanging out by the pool.
“Can I?” I gesture to the bed.
She narrows her eyes at me. “Why are you being so weirdly polite? What have you done?”
“Nothing. I’m always polite.”
“Sure.”
“Why are you wiping that off? It looks good.”
“Blue nail polish is cliché. ”
I don’t know what that means and I’m not even going to try to understand.
Now I’m here, my throat feels tight and I don’t know how to start.
She looks up from her toenails. “You need to say whatever you wanted to say or leave, because you sitting on my bed and watching me like a creep is not okay.”
“Yeah, sorry.” I clear my throat. “I want to apologize.”
She frowns. “What for?”
“Sarah Levin and your sweet sixteen.”
Scout leans back, eying me with even more suspicion now. “Where is this coming from?”
I shrug. “I didn’t realize at the time, but now I’m older, I see how what I did was shitty, and I’m sorry. I didn’t think about the consequences.”
She screws the top on the nail polish remover and puts it on the nightstand.
“Why are you apologizing about this now?”
“I told you, I realized?—”
“Are you in AA or something?”
“No.”
“You’re going back to school, right?”
I nod.
“So I’ll see you all the time. You don’t have to do this weird making amends thing.”
“I do. That’s exactly why I do. I don’t want us to be at each other’s throats. We’re brother and sister. We used to be friends.”
She shrugs. “We’re different.”
“Yeah, but I still love you.”
She makes a face and I have to hold back a smile.
“I love you,” I repeat.
“Okay, stop, I get it. ”
“Do you love me?”
Her face scrunches up so tight it must hurt.
“Yeah, whatever. Can you leave now?”
“Sure, sis.” I lean over and plant a kiss on her forehead.
When I’m leaving she calls me back. “You’re not dying or anything, are you?”
“Why? Would you be sad?”
She rolls her eyes. “Just answer the question.”
“No, I’m not dying.”
“Okay.”
When I hesitate on the threshold of her room, she makes a shooing motion at me with her hand.
I set the table while Dad puts dinner out and Mom pours out a couple of glasses of wine.
“Why isn’t Elliot here?” Mom asks.
Dad and I share a look, but I pretend not to notice the way he’s goading me.
“I texted him, but he hasn’t replied,” Scout says. “He’s with his dad.”
“Maybe he’s had a breakthrough?” Mom says.
“I’m gonna go over there after dinner to see if he’s okay,” Scout says. “I can usually get Mr. B to eat something.”
“You’re a good friend,” Mom tells her.
Scout pretends she isn’t beaming at the compliment. “He’s my best friend. I’d do anything for him.”
“Anything?” I ask before I can stop myself.
Scout frowns, her mouth full of green beans. “Yeah,” she says around them. “Why?”
“Nothing,” I look down, my face on fire. I do not blush, but the heat engulfing me right now says otherwise. “It’s just … you want him to be happy, no matter what, right?”
Scout completely sidesteps my question and turns her attention to Dad. “Why is he being so weird? He came in my room to tell me he loves me, and that he’s sorry for kissing my friend at my sweet sixteen.”
Mom gasps. “Connor, you did what?”
Dad’s watching me carefully.
I have to watch myself. Elliot doesn’t want Scout to know. But it fucking sucks. All this lying and hiding how I really feel.
When I fail to say anything, Dad steps in. “Can’t you brother tell you he loves you?”
Scour shrugs. “It just felt random.”
“Maybe I’m random.”
“Urgh, you are not ‘random’, you’re the most cookie-cutter, vanilla, predictable, straight white man on the planet.”
I swallow, pushing my greens around my plate, feeling Dad’s gaze on the side of my face.
“Maybe I’m not.”
She just scoffs.
“Seriously. Maybe I’m not straight.”
Mom’s head snaps up.
Scout actually looks at me with a frown. It feels like the first time she’s taken me seriously in years. “Are you coming out?”
“Yeah.”
“As what? Gay?”
“Bi.”
“Seriously?”
I nod, my hands getting sweaty.
She blinks hard at me a few times, like she’s trying to figure out if I’m telling the truth.
She shrugs. “Okay, cool. You’re still boring as shit.”
I snort.
“Jesus, Scout,” Mom says. She’s standing up and heading toward me, hugging me in another second. “Richard, why aren’t you saying anything?”
“He already told me. Sorry.”
They have their own silent conversation over my head. When I glance at Scout, she’s watching me like she’s seeing me for the first time.
Someone rings the doorbell.
“Who’s that?” Mom asks.
Dad gets up. “I’ll get it.”
I think my heart stops when I hear him say, “Elliot, hi! What a nice surprise.”
Mom’s still hugging me when he walks in. There’s an obvious, weird vibe in the room. He pauses, watching us all. I’m just glad he doesn’t look upset. I’m glad he’s here, even if I can’t be with him the way I want to be.
“What’s going on?” he asks.
Scout looks at me. “Can I tell him?”
I nod.
“Connor’s bi. He came out and Mom got all OTT.”
Elliot’s eyes get wide. I give him a miniscule shake of the head I hope conveys that I didn’t tell them our secret. That I’ll take it to the grave, if that’s what he wants.
“Um, Connor, that’s … I actually don’t know what to say. No one’s ever come out to me before.” He smiles and everything in me soars.
Mom laughs.
Dad comes back in, hovering around the table. “Sit down, Eli, let me make you up a plate.”
“Actually I already ate with my dad. ”
Scout’s face lights up.
They have this silent communication between them. It’s different to the kind my parents have, but it still works. In another moment, Scout’s standing from the table. “I’m done, let’s go upstairs.”
When they leave, I have to sit with my parents, wondering what they’re talking about up there, while Mom asks about boyfriends and moments of realization. “What do they call it, a bi-awakening?”
“Jesus, Mom, who are you talking to?”
ELLIOT
Scout closes the door and heads over to the record player.
“Tell me everything. How did you get your dad out of his study? Did you talk to him about therapy? Do you need me to do anything? I can drive him to his appointments.”
She has her back turned and I tell myself I could chicken out, but the second I saw Connor, I knew I couldn’t. He came out to his family for fuck’s sake. He has already been brave. He told me what he wants. I’m the only one running away now.
“Scout, I need to tell you something.”
“Huh?” She half turns from the record player, the intro to Rumours by Fleetwood Mac playing.
“I want you to know that you’re my best friend, and you’ll always be my best friend, and I love you so much?—”
“Woah, Eli, what the fuck is going on around here? Everyone’s acting like they’re dying.” She gasps. “Am I dying? Does everyone know but me?”
“No.” I stifle a smile.
She narrows her eyes at me. “Why are you and Connor being weird? ”
I open my mouth, not sure what will come out, despite how many times I practiced this speech in the mirror before I came over here.
She gasps before I can say it, her whole face suddenly changes. “Oh no.”
“Scout.”
She shakes her head and starts pacing in front of the window. I watch, wondering when to jump in. She holds her hand up as if to stop me.
Cocking her head, she says, “Am I crazy, or is it no coincidence that my brother just came out as bi and now you’re here, telling me you’ll always love me?”
I swallow, hoping my silence will do the work for me.
Her eyes get so wide she looks like one of those anime characters.
“Eli, no!”
My heart pounds, my fingers tingle. This is what I came here to do.
“Will you please listen before you go off? That’s all I ask. Give me five minutes to explain.”
Her nostrils are flaring, but she gives a stiff nod.
“Okay.” Deep breath. “I have had feelings for Connor for a while?—”
“Urgh.”
“Scout, please?”
“I didn’t say I’d be silent.”
I raise my eyebrows.
“Fine. Go on.”
“We kissed.”
“Urgh!” She shakes her whole body out, like she can get rid of the words.
“We tried to stay away from each other, and when we realized we couldn’t, we thought we’d just let it play out, like a summer fling. But….”
“But what? You’re madly in love and going to get married and adopt babies?”
“I mean … the marriage and babies part is probably a bit soon, but?—”
“You’re shitting me right now. Please tell me you’re joking.”
I bite my lip and shake my head.
Scout marches across the room and grabs me by the shoulders.
“How long will I have to shake you for you to come to your senses?”
“Scout.”
“Seriously, Eli? How long? This is Connor we’re talking about.
You two are not compatible. Okay, fine, you want to jump his bones—gross—but when you go back to your real lives and Connor’s a college hockey star and you’re a super smart whatever, it won’t work.
Can you really imagine Connor hanging out with the people you know at school?
Can you really imagine yourself hanging out with a load of hockey bros after a game at the college bar? ”
“I mean … yes?”
She frowns, dropping her hands.
“What happens when we come home for Thanksgiving and Christmas? Are you going to be his boyfriend or my friend?”
“Can’t I be both?”
“No.” She shakes her head. “No. Don’t you see? You can’t be both.”
My heart sinks. “Are you asking me to choose?”
She frowns, her eyes getting shiny. Fuck, please don’t cry.
“It sounds like you already have.”
Panic flaps its wings around inside me as Scout heads over to the door. “Why don’t you go downstairs and hang out with your boyfriend? Mom and Dad will be so happy to finally marry you into the family.”
“Scout.”