Chapter 13
Regan
S pring was arriving, and the cool mornings were giving way to pleasant afternoons.
It had been months since I stormed out of Seth’s, and even though I see him around the house, he and I haven’t spoken much to each other since then.
We exchanged pleasantries, but nothing more than superficial.
My heart hurt for a few weeks, but I soon realized Seth and I weren’t meant to be.
But his attention did give me a small confidence boost, and tonight, I was going on a date.
John and I met at the bookstore a few weeks ago when Hannah and I were running errands, and when he asked for my number, I gave it to him.
Everyone had been telling me I needed to move on, or at least start experiencing life, so I was taking a leap of faith by going out with John.
Hannah and I were sitting on the back patio, enjoying the warmth from the sun as the chilly air swirled around us.
She and I had grown closer over the last couple months, and some days, I wanted to blurt out that all her pain was my fault, but I continued to keep my secrets buried deep.
I knew my time of keeping secrets was growing shorter every day.
“Are you looking forward to dinner with John tonight?” Hannah asked as she sipped a cup of coffee.
I lifted my sunglasses and looked across the table at her. “I guess.”
She leaned forward, lowering her voice as she spoke. “Has he given you a bad feeling, or is it the whole dating thing that’s got you worried?”
“Honestly, I don’t know. John and I have texted and talked for a few weeks now, and he seems like a nice guy. He’s polite, has a good job, owns his own house, and spends Sundays with his parents.”
“But?”
“But nothing. I guess I’m just nervous,” I reasoned, and she gave an understanding nod.
“I know we don’t talk about a lot of personal stuff, but I can only imagine how scary putting yourself out there must be after . . . everything.”
She had no idea.
“I think it’s more that when we really get to know each other, he’s going to have questions, and there are some things I can’t discuss with him. I mean, how do you tell someone that you spent your twenty-first birthday . . . away, instead of doing the normal things a young adult does to celebrate?”
She reached her hands across the table and took hold of mine.
It was something she and I started doing the day after Seth dropped me off at the house.
She found me staring off into the distance, and when Rhys tried to question me, she took my hand and walked us away from him.
Now, whenever she sees that I’m struggling, she takes my hands and it somehow centers me.
“You tell him what you’re comfortable with, and if he pushes, you can always leave. No one has the right to make you share anything you don’t want to.” Her eyes raised over my head as she released my hands. “And that especially goes for your brother.”
“What the hell did I do now?” Rhys asked from behind me as he placed his hands onto my shoulders and leaned over, pecking me on the top of the head.
Rounding the table, he leaned over and gave Hannah a sweet kiss before he took a seat at the side of the table and grabbed a biscuit from the covered tray. As he took a bite and groaned around it, I gave him a smile.
“Hannah was just reminding me that I don’t have to overshare if I’m not comfortable,” I remarked, and he shook his head as he popped the last piece of the bread into his mouth, dusted his fingertips, and took a swallow of Hannah’s coffee.
“I got the background check back on your little date tonight,” Rhys said, and I rolled my eyes.
“Jesus, Rhys, why would you do that? It’s just dinner, and I’m driving myself. There’s no need to investigate him.”
“Of course, there is,” Rhys returned and glanced at Hannah before turning his full attention to me.
“I know things didn’t work out with you and Seth, and to be honest, I really hoped it would.
But if you’re going out with someone, even if it is just dinner, I’m going to check his background.
We still don’t know who took you, what they wanted, or if they’re still a threat.
Add on top of that, Lucian and Devlin are close to tracking down the last few pieces to the puzzle of the missing Syndicate members, so we have to be careful. ”
I wasn’t aware they were gaining ground in their search, and now, I worried what else they would uncover when they found what they were looking for.
Pushing my chair back, I stood from the table and looked across at a knowing Hannah.
She knew how frustrated I was, even if she didn’t know all the reasons—my nosy brother accounted for my mood.
“I’m going to need you to step back just a little, Rhys.
I realize you’re worried about me, but I need to start building my own life and that means you have to give me some space to make mistakes and to learn and grow.
I allowed myself to be sheltered for too long, and I need to remove my safety net.
So, please, don’t track or follow me tonight.
” He pinched his lips together, so I asked, “Can you do that for me?”
“I don’t know if I feel comfortable with that,” Rhys admitted, and I looked to Hannah for help.
She touched his forearm, drawing his attention to her as she spoke. “How about this? Regan can take one of the secured vehicles so you can have her location, and you promise to text when you arrive and leave, just to make sure your brother doesn’t follow you on your date.”
Rhys and I looked at each other, and I could see him silently asking me to agree. Rolling my eyes again, I nodded then added, “Only if you promise to stop doing background checks on everyone I meet.”
“I’ll try,” he admitted, and I shook my head with a chuckle before turning and walking away.
The day was too nice to be inside, and with the nerves that were building, I needed the wide-open space to not feel trapped.
Rhys had built me a small patio with a covered pergola outside my bedroom, and I took a seat, looking out into the yard as the warm sun shone on my face.
I was enjoying the solitude when I heard someone approaching from the side of the house.
Looking around the corner, I saw Seth moving closer to me, looking like a wet dream walking.
He had gained muscle in his chest and arms since the last time we spoke, and seeing him in his black tactical pants and shirt, with a sexy Glock strapped to his side, was doing all kinds of crazy things to my libido.
Our eyes met, and he stopped in his tracks before exhaling and walking closer. As he got to the covering of the patio, I sat up straighter, waiting for another argument. When he cast his eyes down , I felt bad about assuming his intentions.
“Can I join you for a minute?” he asked, and I nodded silently as he pulled out a chair and took a seat. He didn’t say anything for close to a minute, and I was about to ask what he wanted when he finally spoke. “So, your brother had me do a check on your date tonight.”
I scoffed and went to stand when he looked up and requested, “Please don’t go. I . . . I need to say how sorry I am about what I did and how I reacted the last time we spoke.”
Sitting back, I crossed my arms over my chest and replied, “Saying sorry doesn’t change the fact that you accused me of allowing women to get hurt. All because I’m not willing to strip myself bare and lay out my shame for you and the rest of them to pick apart.”
“I was wrong to say that, and there’s not any way to make up for it, but I’d love the chance to try.”
Clenching my jaw, I counted to five, hoping it would give me time to calm down, but with each passing second, I felt my anger growing.
Standing from my chair, I looked over at him and simply replied, “For four months, you’ve walked into this house, barely looked at me or gave me a look of disgust, and now, once you find out I have a date, you suddenly decide that today of all days is when you need to apologize?
” I leaned closer to him as I continued.
“I realize deep down that I’m nothing but a used-up whore, but I’ll be damned if I allow anyone to judge me. ”
As I turned to walk away, he said, “You’re not a whore, Regan. You’re perfect.”
I shook my head and used the keypad to unlock my bedroom door before slamming it behind me.
From the monitor near the door, I watched the camera pointed at the patio and waited for Seth to leave.
He sat there, crossing his arms over his chest as he stared at my bedroom door, almost like he could will me back outside.
And he probably could have, if his painful words weren’t still playing on a loop in my brain. The accusations he made against me were nothing new. I’d been blaming myself for years but knew I was powerless to do anything. And if I told anyone, they could get hurt trying to avenge me. Or worse.
After a few minutes, Seth stood from the chair, looked at the closed door again, and turned to walk away.
I wanted to run after him and tell him I’m sorry for being a bitch, but I couldn’t strip myself bare for him or anyone else, and with the questions he had about my kidnapping, he wouldn’t let it go. Just like all the men in my life.
And the further they dug, the greater the chance my secrets would be revealed.
Sighing, I debated on telling everyone so they could wash their hands of me now, but I was too much of a chicken-shit.
If I kept this up, I was going to drive myself crazy, so I was determined to be better today than I was yesterday.
I opened my bedroom door and walked down the hallway.
Hannah was sitting in the interior patio reading a book, and I knocked on the door and waved as I passed by.
She lifted her head, smiled at me, and returned to her book.
The kitchen was my destination, and as I got closer, I saw Devlin and James in a hushed conversation near the stove. When they heard me, they both turned to look, and I offered them a smile as I walked to the pantry.
“Watcha doin’?” James asked, and I gave him a confused look.
Pulling out the flour, I held it up as I placed it on the island. “I wanted to make something for lunch.”
“You don’t have to do that. Rhys can order lunch so you can get ready for your date,” James offered as I washed my hands in the sink while Devlin silently looked on.
“I don’t have to leave for,” I glanced at the clock, “seven hours, so I think I’ve got time to make lunch for everyone.”
“Where are you going for dinner?” Devlin casually asked, and I glanced over my shoulder at him while I dried my hands.
“I’ve already agreed to take a secure vehicle so you can track me,” I answered.
“That wasn’t why I was asking,” Devlin interjected, and James moved back as the madman stepped closer.
“I know you’re pissed off at . . . everything, and I’m the first person who agrees people should be able to keep secrets, but I worry that you’re keeping something inside that’s going to split you apart. ”
Exasperated, I turned to look at him. “What are you going on about?”
“I’m talking about the fact that for years, no one knew how close we were to you or what you were living through. And that doesn’t take into account what we saw when we rescued you. If you could just tell us something . . .”
His words trailed off as I cast my eyes down, suddenly feeling exposed. Lifting my gaze again, I was about to say something snide when I heard someone defending me from behind us.
“Leave her alone. If she doesn’t want to talk about it, who the fuck are you to try and guilt her into it?”
I snapped my head and saw a pissed-off Seth standing at the edge of the kitchen with his eyes locked on me.
He shifted his stance and gave Devlin his undivided attention.
“Whatever secrets Regan has, they’re hers to keep or share.
You trying to guilt her or persuade her into spilling her guts onto the floor is pretty fucking low. Even for you.”
“Listen here, motherfucker,” Devlin started, and I jumped around him to stand between the two men.
“Seth’s right, Devlin. If I want to discuss what I experienced, then I will, but it’s wrong of you to expect me to share something deeply personal, extremely painful, and highly shameful.
” He cut his cold, blue eyes to the side, and I snapped my fingers, drawing his attention back to me.
“I don’t see you asking Elise or Aubrey about their pasts.
Hell, why don’t you call Stella, or even Grace, and see if they want to take a walk down memory lane? ”
“I didn’t mean—” Devlin began, only for me to speak over him, causing James to smile behind his back.
“I don’t see you telling anyone what your life was like during the years you were kept by that man, what he did to you, what you survived, and what you don’t want to remember. So, if you’re so eager for me to share, why don’t you go first?”
He opened and closed his mouth without uttering a word. James walked up and clapped him on the shoulder. “I told you that wasn’t going to work, asshole.”
“Damn, I never realized your temper rivaled your brother’s,” Devlin remarked, and I gave him a smile.
“Rhys only wishes he had the temper I have.” Stepping closer, I added, “Please don’t push me on this, Devlin. You won’t win.”
He and James shook their heads as they moved out of the kitchen and headed toward the war room, leaving Seth and I alone. The smile I was greeted with when I looked at Seth spoke volumes. People tended to let Devlin run over them, but I wasn’t in the mood.
Something about today was bothering me. Maybe it was my date, maybe it was talking to Seth after so long, or maybe I was close to getting my period.
Whatever it was, I felt like the next corner I turned was going to lead me into the mouth of the lion, and I feared I wouldn’t return from something like that.