Chapter 26 - Nico #2
She closes the laptop. Stands. Walks to where I'm positioned by the window, always by the window now, sight lines clear, tactical positioning I don't need but maintain because it's easier than being close to her.
The dying light catches in her hair, turns it to spun gold. The same hair I buried my face in while she came around my cock. The memory makes my jaw clench.
"I need to understand something."
I wait.
"Three days ago you held me while I fell apart. You made me eggs and touched me like I was already part of you." Her voice is steady, controlled. "Now you can barely look at me. And the only thing that changed is I stopped crying and started fighting."
She's right. The unfairness of it is staggering.
"So which version do you want? The disaster who needs you? Or the woman who doesn't?"
I should explain about Sofia, about ballet, about the corrosive effect of proximity. Instead:
"I think some space would be beneficial. For both of us."
The mask drops.
What's underneath isn't rage or tears. It's recognition: the look of someone who's heard this before and always knew she'd hear it again.
"Space." She tests the word like it's bitter.
"The situation is…"
"Don't say tactical. Don't use your soldier words to make leaving sound like strategy." She laughs. Short, broken, nothing funny in it. "I actually believed you. 'Whatever it is, we face it together.' Remember?"
I remember. The promise I meant when I made it. I nod.
"I told you things I've never told anyone. Gave you every broken piece of me." Her voice cracks once, pushes through. "And the moment I stopped being broken, the MOMENT I tried to be strong, you decided you were done."
"That's not…"
"I knew you'd leave." Quiet. Final. Bone-deep certainty. "Everyone does."
She walks to the bedroom. Our bedroom. Closes the door.
Not a slam. The soft click is worse: someone who's accepted the outcome.
I stand at the window while Miami blurs because I'm crying. Silent tears, the second time in my adult life. The first was in her arms.
Marco's voice echoes: You're confirming every fear she has.
I know. I know I'm wrong. But Sofia's voice is louder: I don't need you anymore. You made sure of that.
Three AM. The penthouse is silent except for sounds that shouldn't exist.
I stand outside her door listening to muffled crying, the sound of someone trying to hide their breaking.
She's not sleeping. I can hear sheets shifting, occasional ragged breaths she's trying to muffle in her pillow.
The silk sheets we made love in. The ones that probably still smell like us, like what we were before I destroyed it.
I press my forehead against the wood. My hand finds the doorknob.
Open it. Go in. Tell her you're an idiot who's afraid of breaking everything he touches. Tell her about the ballet and the flat eyes and how Sofia leaving wasn't freedom but proof that I destroy soft things.
My hand drops.
I walk back to the guest room. The narrow bed. The punishment I've chosen.
There are two kinds of failure I know intimately.
The first is Afghanistan: the wall breached, the mother and child in the rubble, the mission completed at a cost that never stops compounding. That failure earned me a commendation, a medal for decisive action while innocents died in the dust I created.
The second is this: standing outside a closed door, listening to the woman I would die for cry because of wounds I inflicted, knowing I could end it with three steps and the truth, and choosing not to.
The narrow bed feels like a coffin I've built from my own fears. And somewhere through that door, the woman who used to exude sunlight is learning that trust is just delayed abandonment.
I taught her that too.
Then, through the door, barely audible: "Nico?"
I freeze. Every muscle locks. She knows I'm here. Has probably known the whole time: heard my footsteps, felt my presence the way I always feel hers.
I'm on my feet before I decide to move. Three steps to her door. My palm presses flat against the wood that separates us, and I can hear her breathing on the other side. Not crying anymore. Just breathing. Waiting.
"I'm here," I say, the words barely more than breath.
Silence. Then the smallest sound: her moving closer to the door. I can picture her, forehead against the wood like mine, both of us suspended in this moment before I either open this door or confirm every fear she's ever had about people leaving.
The doorknob is cold under my hand. One turn. That's all it would take. One turn and three steps and I could have her in my arms, could tell her I'm sorry, could explain about Sofia and the way I destroy everything soft.
"I know you're there," she whispers. "I can feel you."
My fingers tighten on the doorknob. The metal warms under my grip.
"Why?" Her voice cracks on the single word. "Why are you doing this to us?"
The truth burns in my throat. Because I love you too much to watch you become something hard. Because I've already changed you and I can't stand to finish the job. Because everyone I train to survive ends up forgetting how to live.
"Marisol…"
"Just tell me if you're going to leave. Really leave. So I can stop waiting for you to come back."
My forehead presses harder against the door. She's giving me an out. A clean break. All I have to do is say yes, I'm leaving, and she'll stop hoping. She'll armor up completely, become the tactical operator who doesn't need anyone.
The doorknob turns a fraction under my hand.