Chapter 6
SIX
Elliana
At least the day is almost over.
That’s pretty much the only thing I have to comfort myself with by the time I finish up in the bathroom after my last class on Thursday. The day is almost over, and I don’t have to be around so many people anymore; hearing them laugh at me, all because I committed the unforgivable sin of being different. Because isn’t that all that matters? Fitting in?
Forget trying to understand why I feel so broken and different. I mean, my own mother can’t be bothered to try to understand. Why would perfect strangers put in the effort?
Still, is it too much to ask for them to just leave me the hell alone? I’ve never hurt any of them. I don’t know their names. I don’t care to meet them. I just want to exist. Why is that unacceptable?
I’m still asking myself that question as I open the stall door with my backpack over one shoulder. The row of sinks is straight ahead. I push up the sleeves of my gray sweater and wash my hands quickly, avoiding my reflection in the mirror that runs the length of the wall. The less I have to look at myself, the happier I am. Not that I’m ever very happy.
The door from the hallway swings open, and a bunch of high-pitched voices fill the room before any of the girls walk in. “So I told him if he wants me to swallow, he needs to stop eating asparagus.”
The girls laugh louder than ever while I die a little bit inside, wishing I could’ve peed faster so I could be out of here before they came in. Instead of drying my hands, I wipe them on the front of my sweater before pushing my glasses further up the bridge of my nose. Nothing matters more than escaping.
Too late. “Oh. Look who it is. Carter’s new sister,” the ringleader announces. It’s pretty obvious—nobody has to tell me. I barely glance at her reflection in the mirror, staring down at the basin instead. The weight of their stares is crushing, and the sound of their soft laughter makes my skin prickle and flush. Why? Why can’t they just leave me alone?
“I guess living with Carter isn’t enough to give you a clue about how to dress or act.” The girls draw closer, surrounding me, pinning me in place with my thighs against the counter. One by one, they shove me, making me lurch in different directions. One of them yanks the backpack off my shoulder and drops it on the floor, while another kicks it, making it slide until it comes to a stop against the wall.
“I heard she didn’t have any manners,” one of them mutters before shoving me hard enough to make me bounce off one of her friends. “Maybe we should teach her some.”
“Rude little freak with the huge glasses.” That girl shoves me even harder, making me stumble sideways until all I can do is hold onto the counter to keep myself from falling.
“She dresses like it’s winter every day.”
“I didn’t know the thrift store had such a huge selection.” The girls’ laughter bounces off the walls until I could go deaf from the sound. Do not cry. Don’t you dare.
“Oh, for God’s sake.”
I look up at the mirror in time to see Wren stepping through the swinging door, with Maya behind her. “Are you seriously doing this, Tiana? Will you ever get a life?”
The ringleader tosses her thick ponytail over one shoulder, narrowing her eyes. “What a surprise,” Tiana mutters. “Talk about needing to get a life. Do you just, like, slink around school looking for people to defend?”
“Occasionally, some of us like to dole out an ass-whipping every once in a while.” Maya’s smile is sickeningly sweet and completely insincere. She falls in place beside me, folding her arms and cocking her head to the side. “But then, you would know that, wouldn’t you?”
On the one hand, it’s almost comforting to know I’m not the only person this vicious, nasty creature has tormented. They say misery loves company, and I am definitely miserable.
On the other hand, I hate to think of such nice people going through what I do. I would never have guessed it, looking at them. I guess not everybody wears their trauma on their sleeve like me.
“Whatever,” Tiana scoffs. When I find the courage to glance her way, she’s scowling at me. “Loser.”
“Just go away,” Wren mutters, rolling her eyes.
“Gladly. Fucking stinks in here, doesn’t it, girls?” Tiana wrinkles her nose before shoving her way past us, her friends trailing behind. They’re not laughing anymore.
“I would tell you not to worry about her,” Wren offers with a shake of her head, “but she’s a real pain in the ass. And she never knows when to leave it alone.”
“She’s all talk.” Maya picks up my backpack and offers it to me. With my head ducked, I accept it, slinging it over my shoulder. Now I’m even more embarrassed than ever, having them see me being bullied. Knowing I can’t defend myself. It’s beyond pathetic.
“Thank you,” I whisper, cringing, wishing I could disappear, and this would all be over with.
“Hey. You have friends here, whether you know it or not.” Wren’s smile seems sincere, and I do appreciate it, but I hate that she has to defend me at the same time.
“We’ve both been through it,” Maya explains before disappearing into a stall.
“Really?” I have to ask.
“Oh, girl. The stories we could both tell.” Wren washes her hands before digging into her bag for lip balm, which she applies while leaning in close to the mirror.
“How about this?” The toilet flushes, and Maya reappears. “We were going to go into town, grab something to eat. Why don’t you come with us?”
“After what just happened, you could at least use a milkshake or something,” Wren agrees.
It’s funny, but for the first time in as long as I can remember, I actually can see myself interacting like a normal person. Doing the sort of things other people do without giving it a second thought.
They make it easy to believe they’re sincere. I want them to be. I want it so much.
“Okay,” I agree before I can talk myself out of it. When their smiles widen and their faces glow, I’m glad I said yes. My bruised heart needs a win today.
And since it means I won’t have to ride home with Carter, I’m even gladder. I’m sure he’ll be relieved, not having to ride with me today.
I can’t remember the last time it felt like I had anything close to friends. I don’t know yet whether they qualify, but they could. And that alone sparks something close to happiness in my heart.
“So anyway, she got the ass-beating that was coming to her.” Maya dips the last of her fries into a chocolate milkshake, swirls it around, then pops it into her mouth.
“She was practically begging for it,” Wren agrees. “You would think after all this time being embarrassed for being such a bitch, she would learn her lesson.”
“Maybe she needs a visit from three ghosts on Christmas Eve,” I suggest, and the girls’ laughter makes me laugh.
“Now, that would give me hope,” Maya decides.
“So, really.” Wren pushes her plate aside and folds her arms on the table. “Besides Tiana, what do you think about your new school? And what about your new house?” she adds.
“The house is nice.” Boy, that sure sounded sincere. “And school is fine. It’s… big. There are a lot of people.”
“Yeah, but you’ll get used to it,” Maya muses, playing with her straw. “And you’ll get used to Carter, too.”
Have I said anything that makes them think Carter is a problem? Wait, who am I kidding? They know him. They have to know he’s a problem. “I guess,” I murmur, taking a sip of my soda.
“What about the party tomorrow? You’ll be there, right?” Wren asks.
“Do you doubt I could do it?” A shiver creeps down my spine when I remember Carter’s parting words yesterday. His threats. “I’ll be at the house, probably, but I won’t be at the party.”
“How come?” Maya asks. Is she for real? After what she just witnessed back in the bathroom at school—not to mention everything else about me—she’s genuinely surprised I wouldn’t want to join the party?
“I get it,” Wren interjects while I fumble around for something to say. I’m already exhausted from all this socializing, but I don’t want to be rude. “A lot of people you don’t know, plus things can get kind of crazy at Carter’s parties. Maybe I’ll hang out with you, if you wouldn’t mind,” she jokes.
“You’ll find me in my room,” I tell her. I genuinely wouldn’t mind hanging out with her. That is beyond unusual, but then this whole interaction is unusual. Being defended by virtual strangers, girls who seem genuinely interested in hanging out with me. Girls who are kind and accepting and welcoming. Did I forget there are people like this in the world? Did I ever know in the first place?
“But really, I won’t be much fun. I mean, I’m a little nervous just sitting here with you two,” I admit with a nervous laugh. “Imagine me when there’s a million people in the house.”
“Maybe you’ll feel differently tomorrow.” Maya seems dead set on this.
“If Carter is the one who told you to stay in your room, maybe he needs to be reminded it’s your house, too.” Wren wears a knowing smirk when I look at her in surprise.
She’s not wrong. It is my house now. And it would piss him off to no end if I made an appearance. That alone makes the idea of venturing out of my room tomorrow night a little too tempting. “I don’t know. We’ll see.” I still highly doubt I’ll go through with it, but I don’t want to come off like I’m being impossible. They’ve been so nice. I don’t want to ruin it.
I hate feeling like I have to weigh every word, but I don’t have a lot of experience socializing. It’s a chicken-and-egg situation—I would probably be more comfortable if I had more experience, but I’m too uncomfortable to stick my neck out and give it a try. I’ve been burned too many times, and too severely. Those memories are an invisible but very real and very solid wall separating me from everyone around me. They swirl in my mind as I follow the girls out of the diner, feeling like the odd one out. The pity friend.
Don’t do that. How can I help it? I have years of evidence to fall back on. Evidence that takes a lot of the wind out of my sails by the time I’m in the back seat of Wren’s car.
She knows the way to Carter’s without me needing to give directions. Good thing, because I’m completely tongue-tied after draining my social battery. I’m just not used to this. I have to wonder how they’re so good at it. The way they make it sound, they were bullied pretty hard for a long time, but they came out on the other side, looking happy, sounding hopeful about the future.
Because things like that are possible for some people. I am not some people.
“Carter’s home, I see.” I look up at Maya’s announcement. Yes, Carter’s truck is parked at the top of the driveway. Oh, shit! I didn’t tell him I would be out with the girls. I was so excited—and thrown off by that Tiana girl and her wretched friends—that I completely forgot to let him know I wouldn’t need a ride with him. Well, he eventually made it home, right?
Something tells me he’s not going to share the sentiment.
“We should do that again.” Wren turns in her seat while I get unbuckled. “Really, it’s nice getting to know you. Just remember, you have friends at school, and we have your back if you need us.”
I could cry. I guess she understands how important it is to find a little support in a new world full of new people. The way she did, according to what she told me at the diner. She and Maya relied on each other a lot. What makes me so special that they would go out of their way to help me?
“Thank you.” And I mean it, I really do, but that’s as much as I can force out before I need to go or else start blubbering all over the place. I knew I was hard up for friendship and kindness, but this is pitiful.
Would it be too much to ask for Mom not to be lurking around when I enter the house? Silly me, thinking I might get a reprieve. “Look at you!” she almost shouts as soon as I have the door closed. Was she watching from the window? “See? It’s not that difficult to make friends if you only get out of your own way.”
“How do you know they’re friends? I could have hitchhiked.” Why did I say that? Why did I bother challenging her? Probably because I can’t stand the know-it-all sound of her voice. I hate the way she tears me down whenever she gets the chance, then acts like she had anything to do with it when the littlest thing goes right.
“For once, would you try to act like a normal girl?” Her disdain might hurt if I hadn’t given up on trying to earn her approval ages ago. Why bother when I know I’ll never earn it? Oh, that does break a girl’s heart, hoping for something that will never happen. And my heart is already shattered into shards.
“You are impossible,” she tells me, rolling her eyes before going to the kitchen while I head upstairs. Carter’s bedroom door is closed—is something going my way, finally? Holding my breath, I start to tiptoe down the hall, pretty much clenching every part of my body as I silently pray to avoid him.
I forgot. My prayers don’t get answered. And if they do, the answer is usually no.
His bedroom door is closed, but he’s not in there. No, he is sitting at my desk, leaning back in my swivel chair while typing something on his phone. When I freeze in the doorway, my heart in my throat, he looks up from the device. “And there I was, thinking you were dead. Imagine my disappointment seeing you now.”
Okay, all things considered, that’s not a terrible reaction.
But of course, he’s not finished. “I know I’ve asked you this before, but now I really want to know.” He stands, kicking the chair away from him and making it crash against the desk. “What the fuck is actually wrong with you? Do you think I’m your personal chauffeur? Am I your Uber?”
“I forgot?—”
“Oh, you forgot! Forgive me,” he mutters, snorting. “Once again, I have to wait around for you. Only this time, I waited close to a fucking hour in the truck.”
“An hour?”
“Because somebody didn’t bother to do the decent thing and tell me she didn’t need a fucking ride.” I swear, he would spit fire if he could. That same dangerous, fiery light burns behind his eyes, practically searing my skin as he draws closer.
“You have my number,” I remind him, knees shaking. “Why didn’t you just call me?”
My simple, totally reasonable question stops him in his tracks. His brow wrinkles—can this seriously be the first time he thought of that?
It’s pretty obvious he was too busy imagining what he would do to get back at me to actually do the smart thing and give me a call. It was one thing for me not to bother calling him once I knew he had already left for school the other day, but this was different. He was just looking for a reason to be pissed at me, and it blinded him to common sense.
Am I going to say that out loud? Sure, why not tap dance on a field full of landmines while I’m at it?
“Let me guess,” he mutters, folding his arms. God, he is overwhelming—so much that I have to consciously hold myself together in front of him. He makes me feel so small, and I already felt small enough. “Since there’s only two people I can imagine who would actually talk to you, you went out someplace with Wren and Maya? Don’t flatter yourself into thinking that means you’re worth anything. They’re just nice girls. They would do the same thing for anybody.”
He’s right, of course. I already knew that. That doesn’t mean I needed to hear it. Something within me aches.
“Why don’t you think about that while you’re alone here in your room?” He pushes his way past me, but not before hip-checking my dresser hard enough to make everything on top of it either fall over or roll off onto the floor—including the one and only memento I have from my grandma, who was always more of a mother to me than Mom ever was. Her beautiful porcelain music box tumbles to the floor and smashes against the wood, destroying what’s left of my heart all at once. Tears fill my eyes before I can help it as I stare down in disbelief at the pretty, painted porcelain now in tiny pieces.
“Whoops.” That’s all Carter says before striding from the room, snorting softly on his way across the hall while I curse the day Mom met Paul.
Forget that. I curse the day I was born.