Chapter 8
EIGHT
Elliana
Slowly, the noise downstairs gets louder. There’s laughter, music, and life. In other words, it’s easily the last place I would ever want to be.
That doesn’t mean it’s easy to ignore all the fun everyone else is having. I haven’t flipped a page in my book since I picked it up. I’ve been sitting here, staring at it—physically in my room, but mentally downstairs—wondering how it’s so easy for these people to have fun. What would it be like, going to a party and not worrying that somebody was planning to hurt or humiliate me?
I’m still remembering the humiliation of the last party I attended when a knock startles me. It’s not possible to call out with my heart in my throat the way it is now. Why can’t people leave me alone?
“It’s us! Wren and Maya!”
I didn’t expect them to actually come to my room. I’m too flattered to pretend I can’t hear them, so I get up from my desk and unlock the door for them. “What are you doing up here?” I ask with a shy, disbelieving laugh.
They both look so pretty, showing more skin and wearing more makeup than I’ve seen on them so far. Wren tosses her shoulder length hair over her shoulder, and I catch the scent of her shampoo and perfume before she leans in for an impulsive hug. I’m so surprised, I don’t know what to do, so I just stand stiff before patting her back. What is wrong with me? These girls are going to give up on me pretty soon. It might be easier if they do. I won’t have to wrestle with wishing I could be more like them.
“Here, have a drink.” Maya holds out a cup filled with ice and a pink-colored concoction. “It’s pink vodka and lemon-lime soda. You’ll love it.”
“I don’t really drink.” Though it does kind of smell good.
“Give it a shot. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to finish it.” Wren stands in the center of the room, hands on her hips. “Closet?” I point to the closed door on the other side of the room, next to the bathroom door, and she scurries over to it.
“What are you doing?” I ask. My shoulders start to creep up around my ears, and my skin feels too hot and prickly all of a sudden. This is all wrong. It’s too much. I don’t know what to do.
“I like your room.” Maya takes her purse off her shoulder and sets it on the dresser, then unzips it and starts pulling out makeup.
“Thanks. What are you doing?” I ask her—the second time I’ve had to ask that question in ten seconds. It’s like I’m standing in the middle of a storm that won’t stop swirling around me, no matter how much I wish it would.
“Getting you ready to go to the party.” Eyeing my cup, Maya adds, “Maybe take a few sips of that. It’ll loosen you up.”
“We can’t stand the idea of you being up here all alone. It’s too depressing.” Wren reappears with a few dresses over one arm. “You have so many cute things in there!”
Dresses Mom picked out for me—the kind of clothes she wishes I would wear. “I never feel right in things like that.” I sink onto the bed, then raise the cup to my lips because why not? I might as well at least give it a try. The fruity soda is sweet and refreshing. There’s only the slightest taste of alcohol on the back of my tongue before I swallow. This could be dangerous.
The whole situation could be dangerous.
“I bet we could pull this up into a bun.” Maya touches a hand to my hair, letting it slide through her fingers. “It’s so pretty, and it would be nice to see it pulled up, away from your face.”
“I don’t know. I’m… I’m not used to any of this.” Another sip of my drink doesn’t give me any of the liquid courage I’ve always heard about.
“Sometimes you just need to jump in and figure things out as you go along.” Wren holds up two different dresses, both of which are the short, tight kind Mom loves to wear. “Which one do you think?”
“She can try them both on,” Maya decides. “Then we’ll play around with makeup a little bit.”
“You girls don’t have to do any of this.” I feel my protests getting weaker, not that it matters since they haven’t listened to a word I’ve said. I can’t decide if they’re being too kind or maybe slightly pushy.
It’s the first time anybody’s bothered being pushy in a positive way in a long time. Mom’s just a bully about it. But their hearts are in the right place. That much I believe.
“Okay, I’ll try the dresses on.” The girls cheer, and my face flushes. I might actually enjoy myself a little bit tonight.
Except… “Carter is going to hate this.” My gaze bounces back and forth between the girls. “He ordered me not to come downstairs for any reason.”
“He’s all talk.” Wren sounds pretty sure of herself. “Besides, it’s your house too. Like we said yesterday. You have a right to go downstairs in your own house.”
“And if you happen to be wearing a killer dress while you do it, oh well.” Maya shrugs her shoulders.
She’s right. I belong here. And I can always come back upstairs if things are too much for me to handle. That thought gives me a little more courage as I take the dresses back to the closet, where I try them on in front of the full-length mirror inside.
If anything, Carter deserves this. Maybe he shouldn’t have been so mean to me. Maybe he’ll learn he can’t get away with saying and doing whatever he wants.
“Can I have my drink?” I call out while trying on a black dress that barely falls halfway down my thighs. I don’t know what Mom was thinking when she picked it out for me. It makes my already pale skin look ghostly white.
But it also shows off my waist, my boobs, and my butt. I’m not used to any of this being on display. Right away, I want to cover myself up. Why would anybody want to see me like this?
“That’s the one,” Maya decides once I zip it up. She joins me in the closet with the red cup in hand. “Here. Drink up. Let’s get you some more downstairs.”
“I don’t know. I feel naked.” I follow her out of the closet, where Wren whistles once she gets a look at me.
“You’re a lot less naked than some of the people downstairs will be before much longer.” The girls giggle… but the sound dies when all I can do is gape at them.
“Oh,” Maya whispers. “You don’t know?”
“Some people like to walk around without their clothes on at Carter’s parties,” Wren explains. “But it’s definitely not required. I plan on keeping my clothes on—though I might strip down to my underwear to get in the pool,” she confesses.
“No pressure at all,” Maya insists.
Naked people walking around the house. I’m supposed to feel comfortable around that? The next time I raise the cup to my lips, I drain the contents, savoring the warm feeling that spreads inside me. If anything, that means Carter will be even more shocked when he sees me walking around. I can pretend to be cool for one night. I can do this.
After twenty minutes, I’m wearing lip gloss, eyeshadow, eyeliner, and mascara. My hair is in a thick bun on top of my head, with a few loose tendrils framing my face.
“Do you really need these?” Maya asks, picking my glasses up off the dresser once my eye makeup is in place. “Do you have contacts, maybe?”
“Mom had me get them, but I’ve never really liked putting them in.” The look they exchange tells me I should at least give it a try. And really, after Maya put in all that effort with my makeup, I should at least make sure it’s on display. That means I have to force myself through touching my eyeballs—something that grosses me out more than I can say—but I have to admit it’s nice not having to push the glasses up my nose all the time.
“Wow.” Wren shakes her head slowly, grinning once I’ve put on a pair of black sandals. “I’m not trying to be offensive, but I would literally not recognize you if I hadn’t watched this whole transformation come together. You look gorgeous.”
I think she’s overdoing it, but I do feel prettier than I have in… ever. Like Cinderella before she leaves for the ball.
Only it’s not my wicked stepmother I’m worried about as I venture from my room. The noise immediately gets ten times worse as soon as the door is open, and I’m quaking inside, but the girls give me the courage—along with a drink, which has definitely started loosening my nerves. It must be, or else I never could’ve left the bedroom.
It’s pretty dark down there, and I take the stairs slowly, absorbing the scene taking place below me. There are so many people, bodies moving to the beat of loud, driving music whose bass vibrates up through my legs with every step I take.
So far, everybody’s got their clothes on. Maybe the fun doesn’t really get started until it’s time to get in the pool. That would at least make sense. I can’t imagine people walking around naked for the sake of being naked.
Until a pair of girls pass us on our way to the kitchen, and neither of them is wearing a stitch. I don’t know where to look. How does everybody take this so easily, like it doesn’t even matter? I’m in a whole different world.
I definitely need another drink.
Good thing that’s where we’re headed, to the jam-packed kitchen where people are pouring from various bottles. “Hey, good to see you!” one of the guys calls out. When Wren puts an arm around his waist, I realize it must be her boyfriend, Briggs. The girls told me all about their guys while we were at the diner, but this is the first time we’re meeting face-to-face. The adoration radiating from her when she looks up at him is both sweet and enough to make me burn with a sudden rush of insane envy.
I don’t have much time to focus on that, as it turns out. “Are you fucking kidding me?” All at once, someone is almost on top of me, pressing me against the counter where I was pouring myself a drink from the pink vodka Maya shared. His breath is hot on the back of my neck.
Right away, I freeze solid while my pulse starts racing so fast it makes me dizzy. It’s not hard for him to intimidate me—for anyone to intimidate me, really. But especially Carter, who growls like an animal in my ear. “What is wrong with you? Why are you so fucking determined to piss me off?”
“Why are you so determined to make everything about you?” Wow. Where did that come from? I mean, it’s one thing to think it—and this isn’t the first time. I’ve asked myself why he’s so self-centered. Somewhere in his life, he got the idea the entire world revolves around him. And all the rest of us can do is fall in line.
“Doesn’t she look great?” Maya appears beside me, like my own personal guard dog. As grateful as I am, there’s a part of me that wishes she wouldn’t do it. This is only going to cause more trouble once the party is over.
He doesn’t say another word. The only thing that comes out of him is a growl before he walks away, which means I can release the breath I was holding.
“You do look great,” Maya reminds me, wrapping an arm around my shoulders and giving me a squeeze. I’ve had more physical contact tonight than I have in the past few years combined, I think. I wish it didn’t make me so uncomfortable.
“I don’t know about you…” a guy I assume is Tucker creeps up behind her and grabs her around the waist, lifting her off her feet while she squeals. “But I could go for a swim.”
Let’s see if she can float!
The memories slam into me, making my head spin and my stomach churn. All that high-pitched laughter. All the screams and the cheers. I’m drowning and they don’t care. I’m going to die, and they don’t care.
“Come out with us,” Wren urges, jerking her thumb toward the doors leading out to the patio. They’re sitting open so people can move in and out of the kitchen, like a never-ending flood. Paul is going to be so pissed if he finds out about this. How in the hell does Carter hope to keep it a secret?
“Come on, it’ll be fun,” Wren insists, while Briggs pulls her toward the door and Tucker does the same with Maya. I can’t move—my feet are rooted to the floor, my fingers curling around the cup so tight I’m probably going to smash it. You’re safe. You’re okay.
“Go ahead,” I call out in a voice that doesn’t even sound like mine. It sounds strained, tight, like the cries of a dying animal. “I’m going to hang out in here.”
What I’m going to do is go back to my room, because this was a mistake in the first place. There’s too much skin everywhere. I don’t know where to look. I don’t know how to act. Everybody’s standing around having their conversations like it’s totally normal for a guy to walk through the room with his dick bouncing around. My skin is on fire.
It’s desperation that makes me look out through the back window—but all that gets me is a view of a topless girl pouring beer over her boobs so a guy can lick them clean while a handful of people laugh and cheer him on. This is normal?
I am not cut out for this. I know the girls meant well, but they don’t get me if they think I’ll be comfortable here. At least I can tell myself I tried as I duck my head and start fighting my way through the crowd. It’s a solid mass of people, and I don’t think they mean to be in my way, but that doesn’t make a difference. They are. They’re making it impossible for me to get where I desperately need to be.
“What are you in such a hurry for?” A deep voice comes from in front of me, slightly slurred, but it’s not unkind.
Right now, all I’m looking at is a bare chest, so I force myself to lift my gaze until I’m looking into a pair of dark eyes belonging to a very tall, tan guy with a quick smile and dimples that flash as he studies me. “Here I am, trying to get through this crowd so I can say hi, and you’re trying to sneak past me.”
I feel like such a fraud. He can’t possibly mean it. If he does, he’s wasting his time. If he knew who I was, if he knew the way people treat me, he wouldn’t want to have anything to do with me.
Before I can pull in enough breath to say a word, he puts a hand on my hip and guides me—or shoves me—into a corner just inside the kitchen doorway. He’s so tall, so broad, I can barely see anything around him. And nobody can see me.
“What’s your name?” His forearms are propped to either side of me, and he leans down, wearing a look that leaves nothing to the imagination.
“I…” I can’t breathe. He’s too close. “Please…” My free hand presses against the firm muscle of his chest so I can give him a pointless little push he doesn’t seem to feel. “Can you back up? Please.”
“Oh, come on. Loosen up. Have more of that drink,” he murmurs, chuckling as he lowers his head until his lips almost touch my earlobe. “Then we can have some fun. That’s what we’re here for, right?” Instead of swatting my hand away, he takes hold of my wrist. I don’t realize what he’s doing until his bulge is in my palm, held in place by his hand.
Let’s see if she can float! She needs a bath!
Too much. All too much. My heart is going to explode out of my chest if it doesn’t stop beating first. All I hear is the drumbeat of my pulse in my ears and the laughter trickling down from years ago. I was drowning, and nobody cared. They only laughed harder.
I’m drowning now. “Stop—stop—” The cup falls from my hand, icy drink splashing my feet, and the world is starting to go dark around the edges of my vision. I’m too dizzy to stand. My legs start to give out, and I can’t breathe! “Stop!”
“Hey. Hey! The fuck is wrong with you?” Sudden shouting close by reaches my awareness before the stranger in front of me is pulled away. I barely realize it’s Carter who did it, Carter who’s shouting, before he punches the guy and makes him stumble against the refrigerator. “Leave her alone. Can’t you take a hint?” His fists are curled tight.
I don’t know if it’s fear or relief, but my legs are too weak to hold me up, and I start to slide down the wall.
“Hey. Take it easy.” Carter takes me under the arms and pulls me to my feet, supporting me while I gasp for breath. He studies my face, brows drawn together over blue eyes filled with concern. “What’s wrong? What did he do to you?”
“Nothing. I just… I can’t breathe…” I have to close my eyes and rest my head against the wall, fighting for every sip of air. “Can’t breathe.”
“Okay. You’re fine now. You’re safe, all right? All you have to do is take one breath. Try it. Just one breath. I’ll do it with you. In…”
Somehow, listening to him makes it a little easier. I’m only following orders, that’s all. I don’t have to think about anything. I just have to do as I’m told. Slowly, I’m able to take a breath, filling my lungs and clearing my head.
“Good job. Now out.” We exhale together, and I open my eyes and see the way his gaze moves over my face like he’s still worried.
Don’t get any ideas . He’s worried because he knows what will happen if Mom or Paul find out there was trouble tonight. It’s not because he cares. I’m a liability.
At least now I’m a liability who can breathe. “I’m okay now,” I whisper, trembling. “I’m fine.”
“You better go back upstairs.”
“That’s what I was trying to do,” I admit with a short, unhappy laugh. “I’ll go now.”
What a relief, being able to work my way through the crowd that seems to all be heading out to the backyard, anyway. It makes it easier to walk down the hall and round the bottom stair before climbing, holding onto the iron railing just in case I get a little dizzy again—especially since there are people walking up and down the stairs at the same time. I guess this isn’t a downstairs-only party. I wish somebody had told me.
“Oh, the line for the bathroom was too long.”
I know that voice, and the familiar sound makes me turn my head. Tiana is strutting down the stairs with her friends behind her in various states of undress, and all of them are laughing.
“So we used yours instead,” Tiana explains with a giggle, her teeth flashing and her eyes shining like a predator going in for the kill. But all she does is continue down the stairs while her friends giggle. I guess I don’t look all that different, after all, if they recognized me right away. That’s what floats around in the back of my head as I walk down the hall, ready to get in the shower, thanks to the soda and vodka all over my feet.
And maybe I would… if it wasn’t for the horror show my bathroom is.
There’s wet toilet paper everywhere, including a bunch that got shoved down the toilet until it overflowed. Somebody raided my dresser—bras, panties. It all sits in the water that’s spilled onto the floor and soaked into the bathmat. Somebody took my shaving gel from the shower and covered the mirror with it, then sprayed it all over the sink and the toilet seat.
Why? Why can’t they just leave me alone? What did I ever do to deserve this? Any of it?
This time, my legs can’t hold me up, and I sink to the floor outside the bathroom door before putting my head in my hands and weeping while the sounds of so much fun and laughter go on under me.